| 1 | AITA for insulting my husband for what he said about our daughter’s bf? | My daughter (17f) recently started dating this boy 17m. He is her first bf ever. One of my biggest concerns when my daughter started dating is her getting mistreated, an obvious concern. However, after meeting her bf at one of his baseball games (she met him trough one of her friends in baseball) I realized this was not something I had to be seriously concerned about. \n\nHe is genuinely one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Every time I see him interact with the coaches, his teammates, his opponents, my daughter, etc. it is always positive. He is just generally a very soft-spoken and kind individual, always positive and happy. I also say this with no ill intent, but he is fairly short and somewhat tubby, which is relevant to my husbands opinion\n\nI obviously do not care about this as he is a good person and quite clearly treats my daughter well. When my husband met him earlier however he did not seem as happy. \n\nOnce he had left he told me that he don't think he was right for our daughter. He made comments about him not being man enough. I said that our daughter clearly loves him and he clearly loves our daughter, and that I'm happy she's with someone we know is going to treat her right. My husband said that he would rather her be with a "real man", not some short little gay kid. I got a little mad at this and said what would you rather have him be then? some big macho man that snaps at our daughter? He responded by saying that that would be better then some fat pansy.\n\nI told him he was just being an annoying dick to the kid for no reason other then he doesnt think hes "man" enough for some stupid arbitrary reason and that he should be supporting our daughter. He said if yout fine with our daughter dating a fucking pansy so be it I guess. He stormed off and I've been reflecting on it and think maybe what I said was uncalled for as he has his own perspective on these things as a dad, and I should not have started thrown around insults as that does nothing to fix this issue for our daughter and her bf | Not the A-hole | [So he would rather your daughter be married to a brute tough guy who treats her like shit than a shorter chubby kid who treats her well? So appearance is actually more important than character to your husband. Tell your husband you did some research and found out there iszero obligation for him to fuck your daughters boyfriend so he can actually shove his opinion up his own ass. \n\nNTA but pay attention to how he acts and what else he has these opinions on,he doesn't think like that in a vacuum. He's gotta be an asshole in 4D., NTA. \n\nIs your husband always this much of a jerk and judgemental about people? Does he treat you well? I only ask bc, like you said, it sounds like your daughter has an amazing boyfriend, and I can't imagine why he would be so negative about him. \nLike, does he feel bad that he's not as kind as this kid or something? Or is he being negative to get her (in a bizarre way) to stop dating completely?, He doesn’t “have his own perspective on these things as a dad,” he’s a homophobe and an overall jerk. NTA but I find it hard to believe that you didn’t know you were married to a bigot after 17+ years., NTA the fact he would rather have her with someone abusive that fits his stereotype than a sweet gentle man is atrocious. You didn't insult enough!, I’m glad your daughter’s boyfriend treats her better than your husband treats you. Good job teaching her to do better than you did. NTA., Your husband is toxic AF. Id be crushed if my wife talked that way, and I know without a doubt, she'd leave me over comments like that. I'm so glad your daughter never learned what type of man she needs from your husband, and chose the man she wants. Don't know you, but damn that pisses me off, people like him.... I'm sorry you're married to a "real man"\n\nBTW, nta., ~~YTA~~ ESH (except your daughter and her boyfriend) if you don't nip this in the bud. Stop entertaining this BS.\n\n>He has his own perspective on these things as a dad.\n\nSTOP. This is your daughter. Do you really want the number one male influence in her life telling her that her safety and wellbeing is less important than the perception of adequate gender roles? Step up and demand better from your husband.\n\nEdited judgement for everyone telling me I'm doing it wrong., Sounds like your daughter values kindness which is good. Your husband sounds like an insecure jackass, NTA. Your husband is, at the most merciful best, expecting too much of someone who is still in the throes of puberty and is a nice kid. But plainly, he’s homophobic and shallow.\n\nClearly the kid isn’t gay if he’s sincerely into your daughter. Who cares what he is? He treats her well and has been polite and friendly around you. You hit the high school daughter’s boyfriend lottery, and your husband is behaving like a fool., NTA…why is your husband threatened by a teenager?, NTA. I hope you don’t have any sons who are like your husband., NTA but your hubby definitely is. Have a one on one conversation with your daughter and advise her not to let your husband's comments sway her opinion on her bf (if she is aware of the comments). Perhaps hubby needs some form of individual counseling, maybe an underlying insecurity., Your husband sounds like an ass., NTA. You didn't use strong enough insults to put your gross, misogynistic, homophobic child-abusing caveman of a husband in his place. Apologies to cavemen., NTA - but you’re definitely married to a homophobic/fatphobic clown., ESH. E being the adults. Your husband is behaving like a misogynistic homophobe at the detriment to your daughter’s happiness and safety. That is wild to me - fathers are usually so protective and gooey with their girls and this one is like ‘I don’t care if he’s a good kid, impresses everyone around him, and treats my daughter like a princess, he’s not toxically masculine enough to date my daughter.’ You didn’t insult him by calling him a dick, you simply pointed out his immature behavior in a language he seems to understand better.\n\nYou’re the asshole by trying to defend his behavior as a ‘perspective’ worth having because he’s a father? No. Quite the contrary. He shouldn’t have that perspective because he’s both a man and a father. And that’s scary. Y’all need to sit down and discuss wtf is going on and leave your daughter and her bf out of this discussion. It is not her problem or burden to deal with. She didn’t get to pick who her parents are, but you picked your husband. Make sure he doesn’t end up hurting your daughter’s feelings with his gross opinions. If my dad said something like that about a bf of mines at such a tender age? Just…. No., NTA \nOh Sweetie... \nYou sure you shouldn't have been looking out for yourself a little. \nThe way you describe your spouse makes me wonder how often you get snapped at 'dating a fucking pansy', 'some fat pansy'. \nI am reading into things I am sure but please, speak to your husband about how he talks to people before he speaks to your daughter., Very opinionated husband/father here. NTA. The world needs fewer dicks, more decent people., The real “pansy” here is your shitty ass husband., I’d hate to say it but this is a time when you actually may need to be reconsidering *YOUR* marriage. If he would out of his own mouth say he would rather see his own daughter be **MISTREATED** than be with a guy who’s a little bit less “manly” than what he expects/requires. You’re in trouble and so is your daughter, I’d be reevaluating some things., What the fuck is wrong with your husband? NTA., NTA but I would think long and hard about this marriage. Your husband has made it clear that your daughter should be with a stereotypical tough guy who most luckily would mistreat her (and possibly worse) than date a "fat pansy".\n\nThen storms off after he said "if yout fine with our daughter dating a fucking pansy so be it I guess."\n\nKudos to you for standing up for your daughter, but keep doing it and for yourself. He sounds like a sexist AH on all accounts. Plus, it makes me wonder how he treats you and your daughter at home...., NTA. \n\nSounds like your husband has been drinking the Andrew Tate koolaid., NTA\n\n\nThe fact that you would even consider that it's very possible that someone else may have a very valid opinion and that you just don't understand it, proves that about you. Not only that, but you're putting in extra effort to try to understand that opinion. Super not an asshole\n\n\nThat being said, your husband sounds like kind of a jerk. And the fact that you're on here, second guessing yourself for standing up to him, and thinking that YOU are the asshole makes me worried about how he treats you. , Your husband is jealous and insecure of a 17 year old boy that has captured the affection of both his daughter and wife. Tell him to keep his opinions to himself especially far from your daughter and boyfriend., NTA. Who could ever fault her for choosing someone who isn’t like her father? Her boyfriend is not a pansy but your husband is a prick., NTA for this particular situation, but honestly - YTA for turning a blind eye to what has likely been 17 years of shit like this. Him ruining things and forcing his bigoted opinion into places it isn’t asked for. This doesn’t suddenly just come out after 17 years…, NTA. Check your husband’s browser history though. Chances are it’s full of twinks or stepdaughter porn., Wow. Just wow....your husband is an a\*\*. How can you even stand being married to him? He is not entitled to his "own perspective" when it is as ugly as the things he dared to say out loud. This can't be the first time you have heard ignorant disgusting things said by him. Thank goodness your daughter seems to have a good head on her shoulders and is not dating someone like her father! I only pray she stays that way., NTA. Your husband is just homophobic., YTA for staying married to this asshole.\n\nHe literally said he'd rather your daughter be mistreated and abused than date a soft spoken chubby boy. \n\nYour husband is disgusting and this is an example of marriage you're setting for your daughter., NTA but you have bigger issues than insulting your husband. \n\nYour husband is sexist, homophobic and a bigot. He has you questioning between what is better, a “manly man” who is going to mistreat your daughter to show how macho he is or someone who is going to treat your daughter like a person?, NTA.\n\nThe fact that his first...opinion was that the boy is gay because he's... nice and quiet? Like, what? Also like, the quiet ones often *do* have fierce tempers underneath. Your husband knows one side of this boy. He could be sweet with your daughter while being fiercely protective in the right situations. Even guard dogs are sometimes big soft babies with their people., NTA ask your husband if making fun of teenagers is manly in his opinion? His insecurity is fucking weak, Is this real life? Your husband is clearly insecure about himself but will never admit it. That’s why he has to talk about other men not being manly enough. \n\nBut I’m sure he’s a real man. He probably spends every Sunday watching football all day drinking beers. If he’s not working then he’s probably somewhere outside working on a project so he doesn’t have to deal with any true household responsibilities. All the usual manly stuff., YTA for staying with as man that would openly admit he'd rather have a daughter be PHYSICALLY BEATEN instead of a guy that he deems ugly. \n\nAs as former battered woman, holy crap I dislike your husband's attitude., So... your husband is homophobic? Are you just finding this out now?, OP, he literally said he’d rather your daughter date someone who’s abusive towards her because, in your husband’s eyes, that’s manly. Think on that for a while. \n\nNTA, NTA but honestly this is a red-flag opinion to have on his daughters bf. The kid's only 17 and he's acting more of a man than your husband is, I think your hubby has a problem with your daughter dating, and he’s taking it out on this poor kid. He’d be mad about something else if she was dating a macho man. He’s pissed that daddy’s little girl isn’t little or only daddies anymore. Reassure your daughter that you support her, and let your husband ruin his relationship with your daughter on his own., ESH - I know people throw around “toxic masculinity” like candy on Halloween but this is truly it. Homophobic and fat phobic as well?!? You really need to have a talk with your husband and he needs some therapy because holy moly. \n\n(I hope this is a fake story), Your husband’s the A H for his blinding homophobia. You’re NTA for seeing that this kid makes your daughter happy, that he’s good to her, and that these qualities are what matter., NTA. \n\nMaybe it's an over reaction, but I would consider leaving my husband over some shit like this. Cause like, what other shit thoughts does he have that he's been silent on??, NTA. sorry about your husband’s fragile masculinity and small pecker., NTA as others have mentioned your husbands attiyude is downright scary.. I also just want to caution you that people can seem lovely but be terrible partners. So, while it's great you support your daughter's relationship, make sure she knows if anything ever changes you will believe and support her. Often people do not come forward when things go bad because the abusive partner has such a positive public image., In the beginning I was having reservations, thinking that perhaps it was going to evolve into your husband catching the boyfriend not being that respectful person that you know him to be - I say that only because I have been around a lot of narcissist and two faced people, even as a teen.\n\nHowever....HOWEVER...your husband just exemplifies why women choose the bear. If he is willing to have a "real man" be abusive to your daughter, how is he treating you? I ask this out of sheer concern because that isn't a "I prefer this over the other" it is his attitude, and most definitely something to be concerned about., OP, I’m more concerned for your well-being being married someone who thinks he’s “a real man” and someone like your daughter’s bf who’s genuinely kind to everyone and exudes positivity is not 😢\n\nHe sounds like an immature jerk, like the stereotypical jock in high school who thinks they are god’s gift to all women 🙄🥴 \n\nNTA. What you said was not an insult. You were just stating a fact. The best of luck to your girl and her bf’s relationship. I started dating my husband when I was in high school (now married for over 10 years) so maybe she already met the one 😉, Run far far away and bring your daughter. Your husband has unresolved issues and was probably the bully growing up. I had chills reading this post., I don’t normally comment in this sub, but as a soft-spoken pansy myself I feel I have to say ESH. It’s good that you’re calling your husband out regarding his language, but it’s not enough. This language and judgment (toward a child!) is not simply unacceptable; it’s deplorable. He would quite literally rather his own daughter date someone potentially abusive over a young man who doesn’t fit his narrow vision of what constitutes masculinity. \n\nThe fact that you’re questioning whether your callout was appropriate is where I get my judgment. Your husband is being wildly homophobic and echoing some extremely concerning misogynistic opinions. Again: he would rather your daughter potentially be abused as long as her boyfriend is Man Enough. Please consider this as something severely concerning regarding your daughter’s safety around him., ESH (except the kids)\n\nIt sounds like you married the kind of man your husband wants your daughter to marry. You know, the one who calls other males gay for not being man enough and gets into piss matches with his wife about manliness. One that makes you question his whole parenting point of view after 17 years of raising a kid together. One that forces you to go to reddit to ask "is my asshole husband being an asshole?"\n\nSo do you want your daughter to date someone like the guy you came on here to complain about? Stand up for yourself, and other women, pls, I’m sorry but hearing my husband talk that way about a kid - hell, anyone- would make me seriously reevaluate our relationship. How long exactly has he been a bigot?, Your husband’s ideas about what masculinity is are ugly., Nta. Your husband 100% is. \n\nMy fiance is a lot like your daughters boyfriend and always was (we are almost 30 and met at 16)\n\nHe was a rugby player, is on the “shorter” side for a man (Im 5’ so what is short). He is soft spoken, loves to garden and loves cats. \n\nHe also loves to hunt, ride his motorcycle and is a tree farmer. \n\nThere is no RIGHT way to be a man. There is a right way to treat your partner. Your husband sounds like he could learn to be better, Oh no. NTA. Your husband literally would prefer she be with someone abusive than this kid. That's a serious issue., YTA \n\nFor not dealing with your husband more thoroughly. If he feels insulting teens is fine, I doubt this was an isolated incident. \n\nLove that the tough guy advocates always seem to storm off like my 6yo vs try to work out their drama., NTA not for one second. Your husband is the kind of man I would like to drop kick to the moon and leave there. \n\nHe would rather some guy SLAP AROUND your daughter than have her date a really sweet kid who’s a little bit on the heavier side. What does he think a real man is because his comments about that kid prove he isn’t one., Your husband is an insecure homophobe who probably has secret gay feelings and thought he was cute, bc you think you were the one acting out of line? Ew. Your husband sounds like a weak little boy, please tell him I said that.\n\nETA: I can’t imagine procreating or dating someone who has weird gender issues like that. It’s normal but it shouldn’t be. But Jfc what a little coward for having his masculinity threatened by a teenage boy., Why are you ok with your husband even speaking this way? Homophobia and being an asshole would be a huge deal breaker for me., NTA he is the shittiest of husbands and fathers. You almost certainly deserve better., Your husband is an AH and I suspect a bit of a bully based on this post! Don't let him influence your daughter, you don't want her to be a judgmental AH, too., Your husband must listen to a bunch on incel podcast. Imagine talking about a literal child that way and then preferring your daughter be with a dick like him. I personally would be rethinking my relationship., NTA.\nYour husband is insecure about himself and projecting on this kid. \n\nTell him he needs therapy., NTA!!! What kind of grown man talks like that?, Has he ever said anything like this before (or even just sneering looks) about people in general, like his boss, coworkers, an uncle he dislikes? Is this new behavior?\n\nIs he listening to new podcasts, or videos than he usually does?\n\nUsually people don't just suddenly start throwing out insults like that. \n\nNTA, but husband absolutely is., NTA\n\nTBH, Your husband doesn't actually love your daughter as a person or as his child. If this is his honest and first literal reaction, he's been raising her so she can gift him a[nother?] son (and grandsons)., Yikes talk about the toxic masculinity rollinggggg off of your husband. I hate his homophobic comments, casually throwing around ‘gay’ as an insult. I hate that your husband is more concerned about the volume of someone’s voice than the words they speak. I hate that he’d prioritize physique over personality. Sounds like he sure knows how to pick him - honestly out of everything, I think this is most offensive to you, his partner!!! NTA, you did the right thing in sticking up for your daughter. I’d maybe try talking to your husband about the bigger picture - chances are your daughter will date numerous people of all different shapes and sizes, and the most important thing is that you support her throughout her journey to find her person., YTA for not being angry enough at your husbands views and reactions.\n\n>I've been reflecting on it and think maybe what I said was uncalled for as he has his own perspective on these things as a dad\n\nYeah nah. Perspective is one thing. Having an attitude of toxic masculinity, coupled with obvious homophobic tendencies, and being dismissive of his daughters choices makes him a bad dad., NTA but you would be if you don't nip this behavior in the bud, your husband is a Massive F***ing AH. Frankly its disgusting., ESH. There is a BIG difference between having one’s own perspective, and then being disrespectful towards someone just because they do not fit your standards or your beliefs. Your daughter should be taught and know that her partner being a good person and treating her right is 10000% more important than them fitting some stereotype. I wonder if this is the first time he has expressed beliefs like this or if this is the first time that you realized that they can be harmful. Please discuss this matter this with your husband and reassure your daughter about her relationship if necessary., Your husband is a Mega TA.\n\nWho says that about a daughter's boyfriend? I'm actually struggling to find the words to express how outraged i am that he would choose his daughter be mistreated by a macho asshole over this nice pleasant boy.\n\nEven if he thought it, you keep that kind of opinion to yourself.\n\nI hope your daughter doesn't find out. It will really destroy her faith in her father.\n\n*Still shaking my head 10 minutes later*, You’re NTA. “His own perspective” is misogynistic fueled by the patriarchal system we have in the US (assuming you’re from here). \n\n“His own perspective” is a bigoted, homophobic asshole.\n\nMen like him are why we have the phrase “toxic masculinity”. They think masculinity can only be achieved one way: a controlling, muscular, asshat. \n\nMy biggest concern with the bf would be that he’s secretly douchey and hides it well. My son played high school baseball and refused to associate with most of the team outside of baseball, because they are fake nice, Christian, “good guys” who present a good front but are bad news. \n\nYour husband’s world view is exceedingly small if he thinks the only way to be a man is to be loud, pushy, etc, ESH. I'm certain that this is not the first time that you've heard your husband say sexist and homophobic things. Do you call him out every time or just when he's insulting someone that you personally like? I feel bad for your children having to grow up in an environment like this. Idk if you also have a son but good luck to him., Your husband is upset that this young man won’t be able to protect your daughter from…what, exactly? Roaming herds of bison in the suburbs? Wildfires? Smallpox? Men like him? \n\nFrankly, statistically this relationship probably won’t last. But unfortunately for you, you’re stuck with your husband. \n\nESH unless you support your daughter in this., “Short little gay kid”\n“Fat pansy”\nAnd you think what you said was uncalled for?\n\nThis is not a perspective as a dad. This is hatred. These are bigoted comments by a homophobe. This is toxic masculinity. \n\nI’m guessing this is not the first time you’ve heard him make ugly, discriminatory comments. You want to live with it, ok. You want your daughter to learn this behavior, not ok. \n\nYour family needs help, but there is no Bigots Anonymous. I don’t even know where one turns to heal a hateful heart. \n\nYTA for not telling him his hateful words will never be allowed in this house, in this family., Wtf did I just read? \n\nNTA for this situation but.. I think you have bigger problems than this being married to this guy., Husband sounds like a big old bag of toxic masculinity. \n\nThis is your daughter, the moment he said he’d rather she have some macho guy that snaps on her I’d have become unglued. \n\nHe’s absolutely being ridiculous.\n\nWhy are you even entertaining the notion that you may be wrong?!?, So he’d rather your daughter be with some “manly man” who treats her like crap? Really? \n\nCan I ask why you were concerned she’d be mistreated until you met him?\nDoes it have anything to do with how your husband treats you? \n\nNTA at all. Continue to protect your daughter and her gem of a boyfriend. His misogyny is definitely showing., No, you're NTA. The thing is, my ex was similar with our daughter. Your husband would have picked apart anyone, even a model-worthy jock, despite what he's saying about "real men". The issue isn't with *that* boy at all, the issue is that your daughter has a bf in the first place. \n\nYour husband needs to work on letting go and letting her grow up. That includes deciding for herself who her significant other is. The fact that he's that possessive and worked up over who she's dating is worrying., Esh. He's definitely a huge AH. But you suck because it sounds like you're well-versed in making excuses for him., ESH \n\nClearly you bigot husband sucks. But remained married to a known bigot is tacit endorsement of bigotry. Stop endorsing the bigot you married., I am a man, and let me tell you this: There is not a shadow of a doubt that your husband's attitude is so fucking stupid I became dumber by reading it. NTA., I’m so impressed that when your daughter sought out her first bf she chose someone completely opposite to her father personality wise. Congrats to her!, I know homophobes are stupid but surely dating his daughter proves he's not gay??\n\n(I know LGBTQ+ people often date in a hetero way when young because they're scared to come out but that doesn't sound the case here), This is the kind of thing that confuses me about the whole INCEL attitude. It’s an entire community of rabid men complaining about women having impossible standards, and spreading all this bs “alpha male” myth, yadda yadda…it’s ALL stuff completely made up by men FOR men, and is not at all a reflection of how most women feel AT ALL. \n\nI identify as a woman, and I have always prioritized dating men who are intelligent, funny, respectful, and kind. I’ve only personally known other women who do the same (my sister describes her “type” as “bald, ape-shaped men with a high IQ.”) Looks are only ONE level of attraction, and not at all primary to majority of heterosexual women. I’d argue the same is true for a lot of heterosexual men, as well, and it’s mostly women holding themselves and other women to impossible beauty standards (all designed and packaged by patriarchal systems, to be sure). \n\nI’m sorry to speak ill of someone I don’t know at all, but it sounds like your husband is TA., Your husband is a despicable person., I’m getting fake post vibes, guys do not talk like that, especially a dad. It’s not just the words but the sentence structure. It sounds like a child wrote this, with the maybe I’m an asshole,is what an idiot would say., Your husband is TA for calling this boy, who you've recognized as a good person, all these terrible names. What you said is totally justified, and honestly I would've probably said worse if I was in your situation., NTA \nHe's homophobic and a jerk., NTA\n\nIx-nay the knuckle draggers, Your husband sucks, You were right. He is a dick., Your husband is a dick. NTA, NTA you were spot on. And a manly man would be able to take criticism without flinching while crushing an aluminum can on his forehead and changing the oil on his Ford pick up with the other hand. Barefoot. In the sun. Without a beverage. \s, Sounds like your husband doesn't know what a man is, NTA., NTA.\n\nI was about to say that maybe your husband is not properly expressing his feelings -which is still a possibility - but it's pretty bad to say that he'd rather your daughter be with some macho guy that snaps at your daughter than a less masculine looking dude. Jesus. And I'd much rather have a kind of dad that he's prepared to throw down if his daughter is mistreated. Now that's a real man (wonder how he'd respond to that).\n\nAlso there's a creepy undertone in his comment. He wants a 'real man'. But he's not the one sleeping with him, your daughter is (or will be and sorry for making assumptions here, you get my point I hope). What is it to him?\n\nAntagonism aside...the possibility still remains that your husband is seeing something in the guy that bothers him or brings something up for him that is always worth exploring since you guys are a couple.What is he actually worried may happen ? Is he making some negative association with a certain type of men? Is he actually worried that the boyfriend is gay and is going to leave your daughter for a guy and break her heart (sorry I know this sounds ridiculous but this is the human mind we're talking about). Did he have some negative experience in the past with a guy like that? Is he insecure about his own masculinity in a way and how so?\n\nIs it maybe some way to react against you and any persistent worry you may have about your daughter being mistreated? Is he worried about you guys mollycoddling her?\n\nAt the end of the day this could be an opportunity for you and your husband to understand each other better, and for him to understand himself. So rather than an opportunity for a schism you can treat it as an opportunity for deeper understanding.\n\nObviously what matters for your daughter is that she is happy with whatever guy she chooses., NTA he wants someone like himself with his daughter so she can be just like her mom. Don't be a doormat to an insecure male. Show your daughter it is important at ALL phases of life to demand respect from your partner. \nThe red flags are whipping in the wind. Take a long look at your relationship and examine how many times he had a "man" perspective against your opinion. Don't brush off his denigrating opinions as just a perspective - it is verbally abusive bullying., Your husband is an asshole., NTA. Your husband would rather see his daughter abused than with a member of the opposite sex who isn’t conventionally attractive or “useful”. kid is 17. that’s insane, He would literally rather your daughter be mistreated because he thinks being kind isn't manly?\n\nThis can't be the first time he's said something like this. \nIf he thinks being a man means being an asshole, then I wonder how you and your daughter are treated. \nAre there things you've accepted or let slide over the years because "that's just how he is" or "that's just how men are"?\nAre there things that happen so often they've become "normal" to you, but in fact, isn't?, Your husband is calling a 17 year old boy a “pansy” and you think that’s just a dad thing?? That’s toxic masculinity at its peak and you need to call it what it is. Dad needs to grow the F up and not call 17 year old boys pansies., ...] | 1481 | 10857 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1iz4o6f/aita_for_insulting_my_husband_for_what_he_said/ | 2025-02-26 20:57:36 | NaT | 9 | 0 | 164 | 0 | 13 | 2 | 0 |
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| 2 | AITA for asking a guest to not crochet at my bachelorette party? | I'm (28F) getting married this year (yay!) and went on my bachelorette party trip last weekend. The trip was to a cabin-type setting where we all stayed in the same house. I have three bridesmaids, but also invited some friends to come along.\n\nPart of the group is my brother's girlfriend (36F, brother is 38M) of five months who isn't in the wedding party. She wasn't initially invited because I don't know her well and they live in another state, but my brother asked me to invite her as a favor to him. He said that she's never been invited to a bachelorette and likely never would be (I have no idea why, this is just what he told me), and hoped she could have this experience.\n\nSince people would be paying their own way and the group wasn't large, I figured why not. She seemed nice enough.\n\nThe problem is that during the weekend, she would insist on crocheting all the time, even during our events and games. When I asked her to participate with us, she said that she took time off for the trip, and wanted to make the most of her "vacation" by catching up on her crochet projects. And that playing games and hanging out with my friends wasn't "fun" and she didn't want to "waste" her days off (all her words, not mine).\n\nTo be clear, I don't care that she wants to crochet in general. Most of our activities ended after dinner anyways and we'd just hang out in the living room. I just asked her to saving the crocheting for at night after the activities.\n\nMy issue is that she was taking her crocheting with us to places like wine tasting, brunch, a museum tour, etc. It was super disrespectful in my eyes because she'd insist on coming yet wouldn't participate in the activity. Honestly, I was bothered that she was crocheting when we were playing bridal games, but at least that was in our living room!\n\nThe trips over now, but apparently she was super peeved that I asked to limit her crocheting time, and my brother's been pestering me to apologize to her for ruining her trip. I personally don't feel like I should, because she shouldn't have come to a bachelorette party if she didn't want to do bachelorette-y things!\n\nBut I also love brother very much and I don't want this to come between us. I'm starting to doubt myself because his girlfriend sounds really annoyed with me. Please help!\n\nEdit: I wanted to add some details in case it helps, because I think some people think I'm being a bridezilla: \n\n1. She was crocheting a throw blanket about the width of my entire arm span. That's what she was carrying with her to dinner, museums, wineries, etc. It wasn't some small thing the size of my palm. She also had the materials for the blanket with her: about five balls of yarn? I'm not sure what you'd call it, but each ball was about the size of a cantaloupe. \n\n2. We gave her the option to stay home. I told her I wouldn't be offended if this trip wasn't her style and she wanted to spend it crocheting. But she insisted on coming out with us to every single event. \n\n3. Even though my brother asked me to bring her, she admitted to me that she wanted to come and that she had asked my brother to ask me. \n\n4. She's doesn't have social anxiety. She just thought our activities were boring and a waste of her time. I mentioned this in another comment, but I overheard her calling my party a "basic bitch bachelorette", but I didn't want to confront her because I *didn't* want to cause drama. \n\n5. My biggest issue isn't that she wasn't giving me attention. Please! I'm a grown adult and already thankful for the friends giving me love and joy during the weekend. I just thought it was super rude to crochet such a big project during group activities. She literally brought her blanket to a museum and crocheted *during* a private tour! | Not the A-hole | [So... do we maybe see why brother's GF would never be invited to a bachelorette party?\n\nNTA. I'm SUPER curious about whether B's GF even wanted to go on this bachelorette weekend or whether it might have been your brother's idea, and that answer changes how much I judge the GF here. If this was your brother's idea, her A-holery is super mild. She had vacation time, this is what she wanted to do with it, your brother set this trip up so she could spend some time with you.... it's unfortunate that he inserted himself here and ruined both of your weekends.\n\nIf she made the suggestion herself, then she is WILDLY A-holish. You don't need to sit around at a wine-tasting doing crochet, and more importantly... no one with much sense of etiquette would. It's one thing if you're sitting around the house in those quiet evenings. Yes, by all means, relax how you want. But during scheduled events? Don't come on the trip if you don't want to participate in things. \n\nThe worst part is that if she had done one or two things, maybe the wine-tastings or the games, without the crochet, and had just told you she was shy or quiet or an introvert with a limited social battery, this would have been fine. You would have cared more that she did the one or two things than that she crocheted during all of the other things., NTA and honestly, a private museum tour is the least basic bitch bachelorette activity I’ve ever heard of., If anyone needs to apologize, it's your brother, for asking that his gf come along AND the gf. She's just RUDE.\n\nNTA., Who does crocheting when they're wine tasting or on a museum tour anyhow, bachelorette party or not?\n\nNTA, Tell your brother, "you owe me big time, bro. Not only did she sour the vibe of my trip, but I don't appreciate her calling it a "basic bitch bachelorette." Get off my back and do not ask for any more favors regarding your two-faced gf until she alologizes to ME for wasting my time. After all the nasty things she said, I don't even want her at my wedding because lord knows what she'll say or do there."\n\n\nBe honest with brother and stick to the facts. Update us on what happens. She sounds like loads of fun! Lol NTA , Your brother literally said he wanted her to go because she'd never been invited to a bachelorette and she "hoped she could have the experience" but instead of her being in the moment and ACTUALLY participating to GET THE EXPERIENCE she closed herself off by focusing on crocheting. You didn't ruin her trip. She imposed on your trip and isolated herself. You have nothing to apologize for. NTA, NTA - I crochet, and her behavior is abhorrent. Like, if you’re all sitting in the living room chatting or something, that would be reasonable.\n\nHauling a blanket/materials out & about while snarking is mean and disrespectful. She should have taken you up on the offer to chill in the cabin or just gotten a hotel room for a solo crochet vacation (crochetion?) and told your brother she was going., My wife is a knitter, and she always brings her stuff in case there’s a moment that it makes sense to do something’s like that. She will knit at virtually any family event where there’s some time to be sitting around. Shes still engaged in conversation, will even put everything down if the conversation warrants it. And if theirs no conversation at all, sometimes people really like talking to her about her knitting project. \n\nALL THAT BEING SAID, and considering my wife is the epitome of an introvert, I don’t think she would ever insist on focusing or prioritizing her project like your bros GF. She would put it down for any organized event, and would be fully involved to what was happening. It’s one thing to love your hobby, and it’s another to insist on it when totally inappropriate. And I think this would count as an inappropriate time for your bros GF. \n\nNTA at all. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You’ve asked because it isn’t a straightforward situation of intentions/feelings of offense. But I think OP stick with your feelings. Be gracious/kind in your conversations, but OP is NTA at all. There’s gotta be a good way to sort this. Sorry I’m not equipped to provide specific suggestions. But OP you’re in the right and I hope you get some good tips because it really seems like you just wanna be good to people. So commendable., Sounds like this is your brothers mess. His GF wanted to crochet, not go to museums and wine tastings 🤷🏾♂️\n\nAnd it's not a group vacation, it's a special event for the bride that if you're not into participating, _you don't join_.\n\nSounds like your brother was trying to force his GF to socialise, at the potential cost of your bachelorette.\n\nJust to keep peace I'd say ignore it and they can choose to come or not to the wedding, but I wouldn't forget about it.\n\nNTA, NTA. As a fiber artist, I would save my crochet project for the evening. You need to tell your brother everything, especially the "basic bitch bachelorette" comment. Why did she want to come if she was going to catch up on her projects and not enjoy the "once in a lifetime trip"? She owes you an apology, and so does your brother for not getting the whole story., I’m a crocheter. I have brought crochet to wineries and had yarn in my bag when we were playing tour guide for out-of-town cousins. Small talk often makes me physically uncomfortable and we semi-seriously joke that I have undiagnosed ADHD, so I always need something to do with my hands. \n\nThat said, my “travel” crochet projects are all small. I deliberately plan for 1-2 skeins *at most* for a 3-5 day trip. One time I was doing colorwork, brought 3 skeins for a week-long trip, and felt uncomfortably overpacked. \n\nIf she didn’t want to “waste” precious crafting time on social activities, she should have skipped the bachelorette and stayed home with her yarn. \n\nNTA, She is rude. Do absolutely nothing. this is on your brother for insisting you invite her but you will know better next time. \n\nThe trip is over..she didn't flat out ruin it so no point being mad but your request was reasonable and while was was within rights to decline to participate she was the impolite one, not you. \n\njust be your usual friendly self and if the subject of apologizing comes up very sweetly decline to do so and change the subject to something light. \n\notherwise you'll be walking on eggshells at family gatherings catering to this new entitled member of your family. deflect with humor., Well... I think you know why she was never invited to a bachelorette party before... NTA. Weird that she wanted to go so much that she asked for an invitation and then didn't want to participate in any of the activities., NTA gonna guess she asked to go because she has no friends. But she doesn’t get why., I don't think you owe her an apology! She asked to be included, but then didn't want to participate in the thing she begged to attend! That's some BS. Unless you think this women is your soon-to-be sister-in-law don't apologize. Counter and tell your brother that she was super disrespectful and owes you an apology. NTA!, NTA and I think it's a real possibility that if she's invited as your brothers +1 to your wedding that she'll be coming with her bag of yarn and blanket..., Nta- tell your brother she can work in her crocheting instead of attending your wedding, I think you'd have to be a pretty odd person to request to go along to the bachelorette of someone you don't know well, particularly as it seems she knew no-one else at the party. That's just... weird. And as for crocheting a massive blanket whilst out at museums and wine tastings... that's also weird. I guess the bachelorette did allow for one thing: you know your future SIL a lot better now!\n\nNTA., NTA. I'm a crocheter and would almost certainly bring my work on a weekend getaway but I wouldn't bring it on outings! I might keep it on my lap during games at the cabin I guess depending on the games but knowing me I'd get too distracted by playing so I'd put it aside. \n\nSounds like she wanted a vacation which isn't really what a bachelorette weekend is about. It's an extended party. You don't owe her an apology, I would just grey rock both of them. "I'm really sorry she feels that way" is the only apology you should offer., Lol, as a crocheter myself who does in fact bring yarn just about everywhere I go, I was so ready to call you TA, but after reading the post? NTA at all. \n\nI specifically have 'travel projects' like a hat or something else small that I usually keep in my purse, so if I end up waiting somewhere (doctor's office, DMV, lunch when I'm at the office, etc) I have something to do. I crochet during work meetings, with my boss's approval, because keeping my hands busy means I'm much more likely to engage and pay attention. \n\nI would never bring a whole ass blanket to a wine tasting or a museum. \n\nAnd even if I thought the activities were basic af? If I'm not the bride, that shit ain't about me and I'm shutting up and pretending to have a good time. *She* asked to be included and wormed her way into the entire trip, and then had the gall to say you were wasting her time? I think we can see why she'll "never" be invited to parties. \n\nTbh I generally think inviting yourself along on someone else's trip (regardless of what the trip is for) is just tacky and classless, but to then spend the entire trip complaining? When you weren't invited in the first place? That's a Whole Ass Her Problem™️, and you certainly don't owe her an apology about it., NTA\n\nYou asked her to participate fully in the bachelorette activities and she did what she wanted anyway. There was no harm in asking and you didn’t stop including her when she refused.\n\nI’m really confused why she wanted to come. She’s nearly 10 years older than you, very clearly didn’t want to be doing bachelorette party festivities, and it sounded like she had a super crummy attitude m., NTA\n\nYou do not owe anyone an apology. As a matter of fact, I'd tell your brother HE owes you an apology for foisting this woman on you on what was a special trip to celebrate you. You learned valuable lesson about letting other people decide your guest list. In yiur place, the instant "basic bitch Bachelorette party" left her lips, I would have cussed her out & thrown her out. Imagine someone who has NO friends judging you & your friends. Keep this incident in mind. You dont have the relationship with your brother you think you do.\n\nPlease, please update!!! I *need* yo know if she whips out crochet project at your wedding/reception., You asked. She said “no.” Enough said. This does not require any apologies. You are entitled to a request. She’s entitled to a refusal. \n\nNTA, >He said that she's never been invited to a bachelorette and likely never would be (I have no idea why, this is just what he told me), and hoped she could have this experience.\n\n\n>I overheard her calling my party a "basic bitch bachelorette"\n\n\nThere's definitely a basic b here and I'm not sure how that basic b even knows what a basic b bachelorette looks like. \n\n\nNTA, it sounds like she was using her project to intentionally let you know she was looking down on you. I crochet and was ready to fight you but this is next-level snubbing here. , Ngl, I would prefer crocheting to bridal shower games as well bc that is my own personal hellscape I actively avoid (even if it’s a baby shower)\n\nBut your bro expecting you to apologize? That’s messed up. \n\nIf she wanted a vacation with better amenities/activities she should have booked a cruise and not hijack your celebratory weekend with her wet blanket attitude., At least you don't have to wonder what was meant by her never having the opportunity to attend another bachelorette party! Watch, next your brother will be telling you to include her in other things because "she doesn't have any friends". NTA, it's so rude of her and totally tone deaf of her to not see that. Sorry you had to deal with it., Your brother's gf is a spoilsport who apparently has little to no social awareness. I'm puzzled as to why she wanted to go and then spent the majority of her time not hiding her disdain for you and the activities that were planned. You don't owe her an apology. Inform your brother of her behavior toward you and the other guests and how she created an atmosphere of awkwardness by carting around crochet material which she would then unfurl and work on at the dinner table and during a museum tour.\n\nHonestly, she is either dense or just rude. Ask your brother if you owe someone an apology who behaved abominably and called your bachelorette party a "basic bitch".\n\nI would inform your brother that technically you are the one owed an apology, but you had decided to just write off her boorish behavior. Suggest to your brother that he might want to clue her in when you are at someone's party and act arrogant and disdainful to the extent that it makes everyone uncomfortable and that she single handedly seemed to be going out of her way to ruin everyone else' joyful/playful mood that its incredulous to you that she wants an apology from you for casting a wet blanket on your celebration., It wasn't a vacation; it was a bachelorette party. NTA. If she used it as a way to focus like a lot of AdHD people do, that would make sense. But she's not even paying attention, and is insulting you and your party. Like, I'm autistic and even I know what she did would be considered rude in a social situation., You tell a good yarn! I hate to make a blanket statement, but that's a pretty knotty situation., Ooof NTA.\n\nI'm a crocheter and this is definitely a case of not knowing when it is appropriate to bring it along as an activity. (Which feels hilarious for me to say as an autistic bitch who doesn't read social cues well haha) \n\nOut for coffee with friends? Okay to crochet.\n\nSitting drinking wine after dinner with the girls? Okay to crochet.\n\nDuring the activities for someone's bachelorette party? (Someone who will shortly become family!) Not okay to crochet. That's just rude.\n\nI'd tell your brother that while you appreciate that she wanted to come celebrate your bachelorette with you, and you were grateful she wants to be included with events for your big day, she was really disrespectful towards you and your friends with her comments and behaviour. Tell him the 'basic bitch bachelorette' comment. Tell him how she said the activities were a waste of time. Say that you really wished that she would have asked, before she agreed to go, what the activities would be. Because not all activities are for everyone, and that's totally okay! But it isn't okay to attend an event that you specifically asked for an invite to and then to complain about it. \n\nBest of luck for your wedding - I hope everything going forward is as stress free as possible!, Bro, she was rude most of the time. She joined in going to the planned activities, buy failed to participate in any of them. Instead, she sat around crocheting and insulting us. She called our events silly and said our activities were a waste of her time. She talked down to us as though she us better than us!\n\nThere is no way I will apologize! She ruined my Bachelorette party. She insulted my friends. She has nerve to think I will apologize. If anything, both of you should be apologizing to me! This was my trip, in my honor! I didn't need a griping chaperone to spoil it all. \n\nOh, and if she crochets at my wedding, I will have her kicked out! So decide now if you're going to stay or leave with her. But she is not spoiling anything else wedding related for me! I wont allow it, not even as a favor for you!\n\nNta! More like the victim!\n\nYou and your bridal party need to take a secret "here's to hoping they don't marry" shot at the rehearsal dinner! You all earned that and more!, Ask your brother if she crochets while they... never mind., Ok I crochet and enjoy it. BUT WTF. Leave it in the house for quiet time. Its not something you take out and about. That was rude and uncalled for. NTA. Sounds like someone who wanted attention “oh what are you making?” “That is so pretty i wish i could do that”. Can you make me one? Please. She the basic err. Sorry you are definitely NTA. Be careful she may take it to your wedding., Nta but you need to show your brother this post. Her behavior is not okay., She’s 36 and you and your friends are in your midish 20s right?! Most bachelorette parties are “basic bitchy” in a fun way - she should have never been invited or agreed to come., NTA. It sounds like the real issue is she was crocheting a wet blanket., so, first off, NTA. if she called your bachelorete party a "basic bitch" party especially, that is out of line. its your party for your wedding, it doesnt matter what you do as long as you enjoy it\n\nthis doesnt excuse anything but this does read to me a bit like parralel play, which is something a lot of neurodivergent adults (my friends and i included) like to do. you just vibe together and do your own things, not the same thing, because the company is comforting. but this wasnt the appropriate time or place for it and even if she didnt understand that at the time it doesnt mean she shouldnt be told that now and she certainly shouldnt ask for an apology., "I really want to have this life experience! Can I come? I can? Thanks for the opportunity!"\n\n\n"Look at these basic bitches having this experience, I'm clearly much superior to them! I'll come along to gawk and critique like an armchair quarterback, how dare the host try to include me by asking me to participate in the event I went out of my way requesting to attend!"\n\nNTA, and also I see why no one else would want to invite her to their Bachelorette events.\n\nIf you're worried about damaging your relationship with your brother, I might offer a toothless apology to her like "I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding when I tried to include you." But frankly I don't think I'd be too worried about trying to smooth things out with the girlfriend herself, she doesn't sound like someone who would make an effort to befriend you or be much fun to hang out with. \nI'm personally conflicted between keeping out of it any further and letting your brother know what you overheard her saying about you so he knows who he's in a relationship with before he's too invested. That's totally dependent on how close you are with your brother and if he'd listen at all. If a new partner was being that disrespectful to someone I loved I'd be pretty pissed., I love to crochet. When I first started reading your post I thought “a cabin with a bunch of women just hanging out and drinking wine, perfect spot to crochet!” But when you mentioned she’s not participating and she’s bringing it out to wine and museum tours, that’s not appropriate. \n\nI can crochet and keep up a conversation or game (i do it all the time) but I wouldn’t bring it to places like that. Plus to say she’s using her time off to catch up on projects, maybe she should have stayed home then. It doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship with her and if her and your brother stay together, I can imagine how awkward it will be in the future to have this story about her., Not sure if this has been said but OP I'd be super aware that this blanket is more than likely coming to the wedding with her. Whether it's out of just pure social ineptitude or spite for you speaking out surrounding the bachelorette party (if she's that kind of person, which her demand for an apology would suggest) \n\nIf this is something you're hoping to prevent, I would talk to brother and even show him the post, because it sounds like any attempt to address no-crochet-at-wedding with her directly will just make her harder to deal with.\n\nAll in all congratulations to you and your fiance!, I would politely but firmly call her out for the “basic bitch” comment AND ask for a truce (mutual apology?) that you were both disappointed by comments and the weekend in general as it relates to both of you. Then really and truly file it away until your brother and her breakup 🤞. I bet you can easily move past any anger toward her by LAUGHING, on the inside, at her. I’m rolling on the floor for that poor chick., NTA. As someone whose only hobby is crochet, I kind of got it. Until I got to the part where you said the work in progress was a blanket she carried with her everywhere. Lmao., I have a friend like this who hates not being invited but also rarely chooses to participate. She also will just sit in a corner and crochet the entire time. She just wants to be there, I guess? It’s mildly annoying always inviting her to join in on whatever we’re doing and getting turned down but it’s what she wants to do and we like her so 🤷♀️, NTA - your edits make it clear you gave her enough grace to do her own thing and skip events she didn’t want to participate in., Nta. \n\nYou want to come to a bachelorette that means you participate. \n\nYou want a vacation to do crafts, she can do that on her own, NTA. \nIs your brother long-term serious about her? \nYour trip sounds fantastic!! She straight up used your "basic bitch bachelorette" party for her wants and needs. I'm curious, were you offended by her calling it that? I find it hilarious. Seems like she doesn't have girlfriends of her own. If that's true, makes sense. Considering she and your brother haven't been together long, she's pretty presumptive.\nIn everyway, you are definitely NTA, NTA.\n\nYou don't go to an event and then use it like your own personal holiday without getting involved.\n\nWhat an atrocious woman, no wonder she doesn't get invited to anything.\n\n>and my brother's been pestering me to apologize to her for ruining her trip.\n\nIt wasn't HER trip. I'm a male but if something similar happened to me it would spoil my trip. She was the one who spoiled your celebration.\n\n>But I also love brother very much and I don't want this to come between us. I'm starting to doubt myself because his girlfriend sounds really annoyed with me. Please help!\n\nWut?! Was your brother golden child, the one who parents deemed as always right, growing up? I say that because it's very odd you're doubting yourself.\n\nFor the love of God please don't apologise when this <name for a female dog> was the one who caused all the problems.\n\nShe has no invites (and likely no friends) for a reason. Don't make it your responsibility to babysit her in future. She's self entitled and will continue to ruin everything., First of all your brother needs to stop period. This was a bachelorette party not a crochet party. If she didn't want to do the party things she shoulda stayed her ass at home. Second it wasn't her freaking party nor was it her vacation. You were all there for a specific reason and if she didn't want to then she should stay home. Third do not apologize and tell your brother to back the fuck off, I crochet. I would never bring an afghan as an out and about project, that is honestly nuts. Lugging several POUNDS of yarn around a museum? No thanks.\n\nHonestly from that alone I have a hard time believing this is real. But if it is, NTA., I would’ve said y t a except for what the girlfriend told you – that the activities weren’t fun and she didn’t want to waste her vacation. She obviously saw this as a vacation and not a chance to have fun with you and your bridal party. I’m with the other posters, who say if your brother pushed her to do it then she’s somewhat less of an H but if she wanted to do it because it would be the only chance she would have to go to one then she’s the H., After reading just the title.....my thoughts were....some people are introverts, anxious or not super great at people-ing.\n\nBut the fact that she brought hordes of material and blatantly to your face said she wasn't enjoying herself or going to waste her vacation on being apart of things......\n\nYou are totally NTA. \n\nShe may perhaps have some other medical or personality things at play.\n\nBut her abrupt responses to NOT try to include herself for some time daily....on a bridal shower getaway.......is rude.\n\nAgain, dunno if she may be neurodivergent, and may hv not known to ...ahem....word her opinions in a more subtle fashion.\n\nYou are put in a difficult spot.\n\nHer 'output' was disrespectful and not okay at a time of celebration. \n\nI think you may wanna delay any action until a later pt. Or....sit down and hv an honest talk with just your brother first. \n\nBut enough of letting that at all cloud your special time. Enjoy, focus on all that is joyous....proceed as you were.\n\nBest wishes ❤️, Soooo...I'm pretty sure I know why she doesn't get invited., Crocheter with ADHD here: She packed ALL the skeins for going out for activities? At most, only pack one when bringing a project unless either there’s a bunch of color changes or the one you’re on is almost finished!\n\nIf it was about her needing something to fidget with or help with anxiety alone, then I’d be on her side—I crochet in a lot of social settings to help me regulate my emotions or to help me fidget so I can focus on conversations going on, so if it was that kind of situation it would have been a jerk move to give her grief. \n\nBut she was insulting activities and you and your friends? Not ok. And packing something unwieldy for outings? That’s when you do the hat size projects, maybe early stages of a triangle shawl. \n\n(Btw, you might be the first time I’ve sided with an OP that was giving someone grief about crochet, lol), Is she going to crochet at the wedding? Her behavior was incredibly tacky and disrespectful., Your brother owes you an apology and another party because he ruined yours. , NTA \n\nI’d apologise along the lines of “I’m sorry you felt bored at my basic bitch bachelorette, don’t stress, you won’t be at my basic bitch wedding.”, NTA \n\n\n1 Her attitude was very rude. It sounds like she was degrading your events, and that is disrespectful.\n\n2 knitting and crocheting after dinner when everyone is just sitting around relaxing is different than disengaging from every group activity. That is itself is rude.\n\n3 My partner knits and I crochet and there are acceptable travel products. (Scarves/socks) When I bring those projects I maybe have one ball/skein or yarn and the project in a small bag. She walked around with essentially an entire blanket project.\n\n4 The reason she’ll never get invited to a bachelorette is that it sounds like she cannot respect other activities than what she actually wants to do.\n\n5 If she wanted to sit around and just crochet she can join one of the many knitting/crochet retreats that exist. My partner and I are part of a men’s knitting retreat that goes away to a lodge every year for a weekend. We eat great food, enjoy each other’s company and just work on our projects. Sounds like she would prefer that, NTA this women made rude comments and insulted the BRIDE on her Bachelorette trip. \n I'm surprised you didn't kick her out. \n She ruined your trip and your brother is an AH for expecting YOU to apologize. \nYou did them a favor and in turn shit on your trip. That's super fucked up. \nIf your brother knows all this and still wants you to apologize, that horrible women has poisoned him and will slowly decay family ties. \n \nBoth her AND him owe you an apology \n \nWow. This story is wild, Maybe she thought the bachelorette party was going to be fucking wild, with muscular half naked glazed men, some meth, tons of alcohol, get involved with other girls, get wasted and remember absolutely nothing the next day. And crochet was her backup plan!, NTA. Your party sounds so awesome, too!! Seems like brother'd GF just assumed that because y'all are in your twenties that the party would be Basic and beneath her. She sounds judgmental and exhausting. Wine tastings, museum tours, and playing games with my friends in a rustic cabin... that sounds lovely! She really missed out on a great time to connect with you and make some friends. , NTA\n\nThe whole point of a weekend bachelorette is to hang out with those women, not catch up on your favorite solo activity. That’s just weird behavior, and you don’t have to apologize to her for asking her to stop., Actually going NTA. She wasn't originally on the lost but she wanted to come and your brother pulled a "do it for me as a favor" card. Expecting her to be actively involved in most not all but most of the planned events isn't asking too much., Eventually your brother will tire of her crocheting through their sexual experiences., you shouldn't have invited her. her behavior was shit and you shouldn't apologize. if anyone should apologize, it's her, F**k that bi**h!!!! She was rude, pushed her way into an event she disrespected and degraded, and was very outward with her disappointment with YOUR BACHELORETTE? You handled this very graciously and kudos to you for not being mean to her and entertaining apologizing to her for your brother. \nDon’t invite her to your wedding. If she talked smack about your bachelorette I can picture her crocheting at a table with your brother next to her by themselves at table and her complaining about the wedding. She sounds absolutely awful and it’s clear why she won’t go to another bachelorette. This makes me so angry!!!, Yeah NTA. And I would seriously limit my interactions with her if I were you. \n\nMy social meter is the size of a teaspoon but even I wouldn't do something like this. If we are friendly enough that I've been invited to your bachelorette, I would also be comfortable with you that I can tell you outright if something is not to my taste or if I'd do something else. \n\nAnd calling it a basic bitch bachelorette? Really??, NTA. She asked to come on a bachelorette party she wasn’t invited to and you were gracious. Instead of enjoying the experience with the bride, she was disrespectful and selfish. Do NOT apologize and make it clear why you shouldn’t have to., NTA she sounds like a drag. Not cuz she wanted to crochet, but that she couldn't be bothered to stop when it was inappropriate. She shouldn't have come and she should absolutely appologize to you., I had no idea that my life is a total failure because I have never participated in a bachelorette weekend. I'm so devastated at this news that I might have to . . . start a new crochet project., NTA. I love crochet. I do it at work. I do it at home. I do it in the waiting room at doctors appointments, and I do it on airplanes. \n\n You know when I don't do it? When I'm out with my friends. When I'm at dinner. When I'm on a date. When I'm with my family. I love the people I surround myself with, and I don't want to be distracted from the here and now. \n\n\nWhen my sisters was buying her wedding dress. I traveled out of state to support her. My crochet bag was back at her house in the guest room. We went to museums. We went to the dress shop. We went to a farmers market. We went to an art installation. We had brunch and lunch and dinners. My crochet was in her guest room, untouched almost the entire week. \n\n\nBack at her house, relazing after all our nonstop walking, when we were chilling on the couch I crocheted a little bumblebee toy for my sister's cat. We watched TV, and smoked a dab, and chatted and caught up cause I live like 8 hours away and I miss her so much. \n\nYour brother's girlfriend was being incredibly rude. Your Bachelorette is not about her want to craft. If she felt like your Bachelorette was basic: she could have stayed home. She could have stayed back and crocheted on the couch alone. Tell your brother no from now on. She should be the one apologizing., OMG I hope you didn't invite her to the wedding!! I can just see her there crocheting away with this big blanket unwrapped on the table!!! \nI crochet but there's a time and place. Wanting to experience a bachelorette party then pulling this stunt and being so rude about it is insane!!! Please do not apologize because then you'll be setting a precedent that your brother and her will take advantage of. Stand up, be honest and tell your brother exactly what happened and what she said on the phone. She's rude AF!!!, I almost always bring yarn with me for crafting, because busy hands help me focus BUT I would **never** bring a project that big or not participate in the event I'm attending. And I would never, ever bring yarn to a fancy dinner.\n\nNTA., Nta omg! Super rude to bring it on excursions! \n\nNot related, but when I read the title I was imagining her crocheting front row of a Chippendales show 😂, NTA. I might be biased, but I also crochet/knit and I do tend to bring my projects with me if I'm going out. Restaurants sometimes, baseball games, anything where I expect to be sitting around for at least a few hours. So long as it fits in a tote bag I don't see any big issue with her taking her project with her. \n\nThat said, her attitude suuucks. If she's insulting you and calling your party a waste of her time, she should learn some goddamn manners. Especially given she already broke etiquette by inviting herself along (even if she did it through your brother)., takes being crochety to the next level, You had me in the first half, not going to lie. \n\nMy first thought was “she’s clearly autistic and you’re being an AH” and then I saw her comment of “basic bitch bachelorette”. \n\nI would have left her at the hotel - plenty of time for her to crochet without the burden of having to interact with the hosts of the trip she crashed. \n\nGirlfriend of 5 MONTHS?! Girl, bye. \n\nNTA. Though, I do have to ask, why did your brother say “she was never invited to a bachelorette and likely never would be”? \n\nIt seems like details are missing here…why was he so insistent she come? I know that he told you that she asked him to, but did she actually? Why does your brother feel like you have to apologise? \n\nI get the feeling it was more his idea/encouragement - maybe there’s something going on with her and your brother thought “girl time” would fix it? It just seems bizarre to be insistent on joining an activity you know you’re going to hate. The fact that she brought crochet to do suggests she had no interest in involving herself at all. Not that any of that is your problem or are you expected to “fix” your brother’s girlfriend/relationship issues, I just think it’s equally shitty to put you in that position., “My brothers been pestering me to apologize for ruining her trip”\n\n*ruining her trip*\n\nNo is a complete sentence. In fact this annoys that ever living hell out of me. \n\nIt wasn’t *her* trip it was YOURS. And she was invited to participate, not spend time on her crochet projects. It wasn’t a vacation for her! \n\nYour brother is an asshole and hsi gf entitled.\n\nNTA., YTA - Why do you need to control what everyone is doing? Just have your fun and let people do what they want. You should apologize., Saying this as a crocheter myself, NTA but mostly based on the project she was making. In a big group where everyone’s friends but her, I can see wanting to have a hook and yarn as a comfort object, or to keep your hands busy (even at brunch and museums), but you HAVE to pick something you can do unobtrusively if you’re going to do that. A blanket is a couch-time-only project, I cannot stress enough how fucking WEIRD this sounds. Your brother’s girlfriend should definitely be apologizing to YOU, if anything. It sounds like she wanted to come on this trip to dampen the mood. (I love crocheting, but there’s a time and place.), NTA\n\nWhat a loser thing to do. Asks for an invite from people you don't know and then not even participate in it is wack., I wouldn't apologize, I fucking love to crochet, and I'll admit that i do bring it with me almost everywhere i go, but i also am fully aware that there is a time and place to do my fibre artistry and a bachelorette party is certainly not one of them! NTA and tell her she needs to stop this because it's gonna give all crocheters a bad name!! Haha, NTA it's a normal expectation for Bachelorette party guests to participate in the Bachelorette party., NTA. I’ve been to bachelorette events that I wasn’t interested in, but you’re there for the bride. You engage and participate, or you don’t go. That’s the etiquette. At least now we all know why she was voted most likely to never be invited to a bachelorette., Yeah, NTA but she definitely is. You can tell her that, from a crocheter who takes her stuff with her to places (the baby blanket I'm making right next to me rn) that she was exceptionally rude and entitled. \n\nOnce a project gets too big you don't take it to places like restaurants and museums. And you certainly don't basically beg to come to a bachelorette party and then dismiss and ignore people who are trying to include you in said party. Yarn aside, that's just rude. \n\nBut hey, now that she's displayed this kind of behavior you know why she would probably never get invited to a bachelorette party on her own., NTA she needs to apologize to you for not participating in your bachelorette trip, this was **not** her vacation this was an event she was invited to participate in as a guest. She's being entitled and your brother is being entitled on her behalf., NTA - as a seasoned crocheter, this is fucking weird. I literally have taken projects with me to Mexico from Canada **but** I barely touched it unless I was on a plane or bus trip. I’ve had close deadlines where I needed to take an order and finish it during a car ride somewhere. And even like you said, at then end of the day when everyone is chatting and winding down, why not? \n\nCan you imagine a wood worker or a hobby mechanic doing this?\n\nThis is absolutely bizarre. Taking a project like this every and anywhere seems like it would get dirty, weigh her down and kind of be a spectacle. \n\nShe was rude to you and your friends and shouldn’t have joined you. Your brother needs to back off and actually speak to her or drop it completely., As someone that would rather work on arts/crafts than be in a group of people, you are NTA. I would never take a project with me to a wine tasting or museum. You said you didn't mind if she crocheted during "down time", but she didn't want to compromise., NTA\n\nYour brothers gf was a major asshole for 1) bringing a giant, cumbersome crochet project with her to your public outings, and 2) for being so disrespectful and shit-talking your bachelorette weekend. Her calling your bachelorette a "bitch bachelorette" was entirely out of line.\n\nCrocheting in public isn't the problem here. The problem is the girlfriend's terrible attitude towards you, especially after you had brought your concerns to her. She and your brother owe you an apology., I'm 39, and I crochet, and she was rude AF. NTA, Plot twist. She was crocheting your wedding gift. 😂, NTA. I went to a seminar once a a woman was crocheting the entire time…I thought it was rude as fuck., NTA. If she's going to ask to be invited to a party, she could at least pretend she wants to be there. But to basically invite herself by proxy then use the time to catch up on personal projects and not participate but still insist on staying at the party/going to all the events while complaining that its not fun? That's rude as fuck. It's like a child insisting on being included in an activity they hate because "everyone else gets to do it!!", How rude and immature of her. Her behavior reminds me of teenagers who go out to dinner with their families while wearing headphones and looking sullen and disdainful the whole night. \n\nI would have put her on the spot all weekend with pointed but innocent comments like, “What do you think, SIL? Do you think a wine tasting is for basic bitches?” “What’s more fitting for a basic bitch bachelorette party, a wine tasting or private museum viewing?” 😂\n\nI think the best you could do is express your regret that the bachelorette activities didn’t seem to interest her but you’re glad she was able to get so much done on her blanket. Extend her some grace just in case this is a one-off aberration in her normal behavior, but you also don’t have to forget that she behaved rudely and shit talked a bridal event she doesn’t even have a frame of reference for! \n\nNTA, though in hindsight, it might have been better if one of the other attendees, preferably the one who gives no effs (there’s one in every group!), had brought it up to SIL, just to keep you out of the line of fire., Before I read the post I was reminded of my husband’s 20 yr high school reunion where a lady pulled a chair onto the dance floor and crocheted while everyone was dancing. It was the strangest thing. I thought she had a weird social anxiety but she was addicted to crocheting. \nNTA\nThere is some kind of psychosis with that lady. She seems like the type of person who would sit in the middle of a strip club, crocheting a parka for the stripper., Nta what a weird thing to do, You are NTA and if that were my brother, I would laugh in his face sooooo hard. You didn't ruin anything. It was YOUR party for YOU. If she had a bad time, that's on her and she was the one harshing all y'all's vibe. \n\nShe demanded to come and then didn't participate and actively disrespected your time and efforts. She's the basic bitca. Your brother can bite me. His entitled gf can bite me.\n\nYou are fine. She can take a long walk off a short pier., Wow! She sounds SO tedious. There is more than a bit of narcissism in her behaviour in my humble opinion. She sounds judgemental and lacking in social awareness. That selfish refusal to put herself out in any way or attempt to consider the enjoyment of others does not bode well. Your brother must see something in her but I think she is going to be causing discomfort and division between you all in the future when they are married and everyone has to make allowances continually for her very awkward personality. NTA, NTA. \n\nI get the vibe that she didn’t want to go and obviously you didn’t want to include her but maybe it was your brother’s idea? Maybe it was his idea so that you two bonded during this time but again, she didn’t want to be there and you really didn’t want her there to begin with., ...] | 775 | 8091 | 0.97 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j0isvh/aita_for_asking_a_guest_to_not_crochet_at_my/ | 2025-02-28 16:27:01 | 2025-02-28 17:02:40 | 2 | 0 | 161 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 3 |
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| 3 | AITA for not comforting my bf after he didn’t like my cooking? | Earlier in the day, I told my bf that I was going to make Mapo Tofu, a dish he’s never had before. It is one I like a lot. He told me he’s never had tofu before so I was excited for him to try it. Since we have different cultures and different taste, I told him ahead of time that if he didn’t end up liking it, he can order out. Not that it matters much, but he’s white and I’m Asian.\n\nWhen I was making the food, he comes into the kitchen and tells me “Tacobell seems nice right now.” To which, I tell him I want him to at least eat some of the food I’m making. When I actually made the food, he seemed sure that he wasn’t gonna like it as he told me, “I’ll just try a bite of your bowl.” And I responded “Why don’t you just get a bowl for yourself?” He responds with, “I told really eat Tofu.” I was confused because I thought he told me he’s never tried it before. When he took a bite, he said, “It’s good, I just don’t like the texture of tofu.” So I ate my bowl by myself while he prepared the dogs food.\n\nWhen I’m about to clean up, he asks me, “Are you mad I didn’t like it?” I said “No, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. I made this for us.” He said “Atleast I tired it. You’re making me feel bad, fine I’ll just eat it.” I was thrown aback because I don’t want him to feel forced to eat something he doesn’t like. So I responded with “No it’s fine, you can get tacobell. I’ll just pack this for my sister and I’s lunch”. He then said, “I’ll just eat it, you’re making me feel guilty”, to which I just shrugged. \n\nWe then got into a long argument with him saying he expected me to comfort him when he expressed himself feeling guilty after the way I acted/ my tone of voice. He said he felt like I was guilty tripping him. I felt like I am not responsible for him feeling that way, just the same way I don’t blame him for me feeling disappointed. I just don’t know what more there was to say. I told him he’s free to get take out, and that I wasn’t mad at him for not liking my dish. Maybe I did have a bad tone, but it might be because I was disappointed. Please help me because I have no idea if I was in the wrong or not. | Not the A-hole | [It's not your job to help him regulate his emotions. Tell him to grow tf up. \n\nNTA, Imagine telling your partner “Taco Bell seems nice right now” while they’re cooking a meal for you. \n \nThrow the whole bf away., This guy sounds fucking exhausting. He is acting like a child., You needed to comfort someone for not liking something?\n\nIs this person 5?? \n\nNTA this sounds utterly exhausting, He wanted you to COMFORT HIM after he said he didn't like your cooking?\n\nWhat a complete snowflake\n\nNTA., Is your bf 12? Genuine question, NTA. How old are you guys? He's super inconsiderate., NTA \n\n\n"we then got into a long argument with him saying he expected me to comfort him when he expressed himself feeling guilty after the way I acted/ my tone of voice. He said he felt like I was guilty tripping him." \n\n\nIs he...like 13? His emotions are his own and he needs to deal with them himself, you aren't his mom. Honestly he sounds exhausting to be around so it makes me wonder what else you put up with. , NTA. I like Taco Bell as much as the next guy but for a dude to skip Mapo Tofu that his girlfriend made at home and want Taco Bell instead is really sucky. Shows poor taste, immaturity, and a lack of appreciation. \n\nAnd how can he have a problem with the texture of tofu, but not the texture of Taco Bell slop?, This feels like an exhausting interaction. This person isn’t ready to be this intimate with someone., NTA.\n\nThrow this one back, it's underdeveloped. Comfort him? WTAF. I would have laughed in his face., Posting an update waiting for approval. Thank you all for your perspectives. 🙏❤️, NTA and he is acting like a toddler., Why are you having him get a whole bowl if neither of you know he’ll like it? Him having a bite of yours to try is totally fine and normal. Why are you making this “for us” when you know he’s not that adventurous food wise & there was a solid chance of him not liking it? Wouldn’t “for us” be a meal you know you’d both like?\n\nI mean he’s childish for wanting you to comfort him, but you really set the dude up to fail., ESH because:\n\n>Maybe I did have a bad tone, but it might be because I was disappointed.\n\nPlus:\n\n>So I just decided not to tell him “it’s okay, you don’t have to like it” and sulked\n\nI was all ready to say N T A, but if you were sending mixed signals with your words saying one thing and your tone (and expression/body language?) saying another, then I can understand why he said that you were making him feel guilty. He is still silly to expect you to "comfort" him though. Perhaps he meant he wanted you to reassure him that despite your tone it really was fine that he not eat it and there wasn't going to be any lingering resentment if he didn't.\n\nI think he should have just tried it and eaten it all (unless he genuinely hated it) without making a fuss and then said afterward if he liked it and would want to eat it again or not. I think you should have said you were fine with good grace, without the tone, or *instead* of telling him it's fine when you were upset, told him you were disappointed. It sounds like you did send mixed signals which lead to him wanting reassurance that things were good between you.\n\nETA: Now I want some Mapo Tofu, dammit., NTA - Just because women are nurturing doesn’t mean that is our role in a man’s life. He has to learn how to regulate his own emotions and own his choices., I feel like your expectations were kind of confusing when you start off as "I am making X, if you dont like it, you can order out" then its "I want you to eat your own bowl" without letting him have a bite of yours first to judge if he will like it. Like, you presented it as something he could opt out of at any time, then when he did, you were bummed. \n\nBut hes being a lot here with his drama and needs for comfort and guilt. \n\nWhen he kept hedging his interests, did you provide any further info? "You can order taco bell if you want, Im good with this" vs "before you order taco bell, can you try a bowl of this? I think youll enjoy it." \n\nDid you cook it to share with him or did you cook because you craved it and it was also available to him? Because the end results seems like the former but you definitely presented it at the start as it it was the second., NTA and this is my fear, I could never be with someone who wasn’t excited to at least try something. BUT I’m assuming this wasn’t the first display of squeamish dread before a meal. I have a feeling, and I would feel the same way, that the issue wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat it, it was that he was clearly setting the stage for not eating it, well before it was plated. You need to communicate that. As for his sad baby-like you didn’t comfort me act, be clear, you expected him to try it with an open mind. The agreement was if he didn’t like it so be it, but whining before it’s hit the plate isn’t open minded. And, you need to decide if you can be with someone who doesn’t eat the food that you cook. (For the record I’m white and I eat everything.), NTA because you are under no obligation to comfort him, that being said the way you readily offered he order take out and were prepared for him not to like tofu makes me think this is not a new situation. If you know your boyfriend either struggles with new foods or textures, you should be aware of how you offer him new foods. More specifically, you shouldn't be pushing him to have a full bowl when he's already going out of his comfort zone to please you. It's obvious he knew he wouldn't like the tofu but was willing to try yours for your sake. And while you can 100% be disappointed he doesn't like it, saying "I made this for us" was obviously going to make him feel guilty. You two need to have a good and proper conversation with each other about why the night turned out like it did., You are both miscommunicating, not hearing each other out, and making it a big deal.\n\nWhat he should have done:\n- Being more clear about not being ready to try the dish\n- Thank you for wanting to cook for both of you\n- Validate your feelings of disappointment, and potentially apologize for not being able to meet your expectations\n\nWhat you should have done:\n- Sticking to your original words about being fine with him not liking the food\n- Not insisting on him taking a whole bowl of food for tasting\n- Validate that you understand that your expressed disappointment might make him feel guilty, and potentially apologize for any behaviora that might signal that he should feel guilty., ESH, he told you he’d try it but didn’t like the texture. You should have said that’s understandable and he can get Togo food. You kinda did guilt him with the “I’m disappointed, I made this for us”. Then he wanted to be coddled after eating it because he felt guilted. You both suck at communicating., So, I've never had mapo tofu. So I looked it up.\n\nIt looks delicious. It also looks very much like something a picky eater would be able to tell by smell and sight alone would not be his thing. Is he a known picky eater? How does he feel about spice, and foods with mixed textures? Has he been willing to eat your cultural dishes in the past with no issues?\n\nI am a recovering picky eater myself, and have been taking great pleasure over the last few years in expanding my palate and spice tolerance, but it's possible your boyfriend isn't there yet. If so, trying a bite or two before needing a more familiar food is something to be celebrated, not discouraged!\n\nI don't think either of you are assholes, but I do think he needs to learn to manage his shame surrounding food without projecting it onto you., I'm going to get down voted, but it does seem like you were guilting him. The not mad, just disappointed line is a classic. And then to say you made it for the both of you makes your first statement that if he didn't like it he could order out just feel really disingenuous. But maybe I'm a little sensitive to guilt tripping. Shrug. I guess I'd say NAH here because you're entitled to your feelings of disappointment, but he's also entitled to be upset that you're sending him on a guilt trip for not wanting to eat a texture he doesn't like., This sounds a lot like when someone asks if they can go out with their friends instead of hanging at home with you and the response is “it’s fine”. We all know when someone says it’s fine that it’s likely not fine. For whatever annoying reason people do this. I imagine OP’s tone was one of disappointment which is fair but in return he felt guilty for not liking the dish. It’s hard to like a dish you already don’t want to eat mentally. I personally don’t like tofu. I haven’t really had much of it but the idea of it really gives me the ick. It’s a texture thing. Even if the dish was great my mind is already telling me no and therefore I can’t eat said dish. \n\nIf you made the dish for yourself and offered him some that would have been a lot less pressure than to make the dish for him to have. He felt bad about not liking it and your tone seems to have been one of disappointment so I can’t really say he’s the AH either., This might just be an area of incompatibility. Dating is about finding out if you can live together. \n\nFood is a HUGE part of daily life. What’s the plan in the future if you start a home together? Will you eat separate meals all the time? What if you have children? \n\nI am married to someone and we have very different tastes in food. We end up eating the few things we have in common, and they are not healthy. It is difficult. Add kids to the mix, and it’s miserable.\n\nYou may not be there yet, but it’s something to consider as you move forward in your dating., YTA. You said it would be fine if he did not like it. He did not like it, and you proceeded to pout about it and call it disappointment so you don't look like a big baby., ESH. Him more than you for reasons others have already stated. He feels guilty and wants comfort? Um… okay. Im not sure if you pouted or if you were really cool with it. \nHowever. Tofu is an acquired taste AND texture. Many people hate it. I was vegan for a while and even I can still be particular with it depending if it’s soft or firm tofu so expecting him to take a whole bowl - this is where you had unrealistic expectations after he offers to take a bite. That was reasonable. And his initial reaction was to the texture which is understandable. He told you it was good but he just didn’t like the texture so if that was an honest remark it wasn’t that he didn’t like your cooking OP and again, IF that comment was an honest one then your title is misleading because it wasn’t that he didn’t like your cooking, he didn’t like the tofu.\n\nIf he does this often then it MAY be relevant that he’s white. He may have a limited palette depending on where and how he was cooked for growing up. People can come for me if they want but whatever. I’m not white if THAT matters and there are some dishes from my own heritage that I think are just yuck because I wasn’t actually raised eating them and I think that has made a difference. (Sorry Mum and Grandparents!) \n\nI would say that I hope he cooks for you as well. If he doesn’t he’s a whole A just for that!! , ESH sure he probably should've flat out just said, "I don't want to eat what you're cooking" so I have a feeling he was subtly hinting at it without trying to insult you. You pressured him into trying it and then said you weren't mad but disappointed and that you "made this for us" which maybe you were trying to be sweet but it absolutely sounded like a guilt trip. Although the last bit about him needed to be comforted absolutely had me confused., NTA. Also it sounds as if maybe you weren't disappointed that he didn't like it, but were perhaps disappointed that he had fully decided not to like it before even trying it. \n\n'I don't really like tofu' before having tried your dish - that was the sound of an open mind banging shut. When my partner cooks for me, even if it contains mushrooms (loathe the taste of them, always have), I'll try the dish with actual curiosity in gratitude for his efforts, and 9 times out of 10 I'll love it because it's a complexity of flavour, not just a mushroom flavour. He's missing out on a lot with the childish attitude of 'not liking' something he's never tried., NAH or ESH\n\ni will probably get downvoted for this, but i think people are being insensitive to people who are picky eaters. If you are not a picky eater or someone with ARFID (which some picky eaters are, even if not diagnosed yet) you really can't understand how hard it is for some people to try new food. Even if its "just to make a love one" feel happy/appreciated, and would be no big deal to a non-picky eater. \n\nMy girlfriend has ARFID and behaves exactly like OPs boyfriend right down to Taco Bell being a "sensation safe" food. \n\nIt would have been easy for me to fix a bowl of OPs meal and eat it, and even find something enjoyable about if even if i mostly disliked it (but i am not food picky at all). My girlfriend, however, has dry heaved just *smelling* a new food that is unusual to her. She's vomited thinking about eating a food which has a texture she has an aversion to. \n\nObviously we don't know if OPs boyfriend has ARFID. But even just being a picky eater isn't something that should be dismissed. \n\nAlso. i don't think OP's boyfriend wanted to be comforted for NOT liking OPs tofu meal. He wanted to be comforted AFTER OP told him *"It's okay if you don't end up liking this/wanting to eat this"* but then OP behaved as tho it actually *wasn't* okay that he didn't like it. \n\nHe felt bad for disappointing his girlfriend and feeling pressure to eat something he didn't want to eat or couldn't stomach to eat due to the texture aversion to tofu. \n\ni don't think OP is an asshole. But OP definitely set her picky eater boyfriend up to fail (even if she didn't mean to). She knew he was a picky eater. She offered him a safe out, by saying it was okay if he didn't like it. But clearly she did not emotionally-mean that. It wasn't ok with her emotionally that he didn't like it. It made her disappointed. It made her even basically say "i wish you'd tried more". That is gentle pressure. \n\nImagine it as a sex. And boyfriend wanted girlfriend to try anal. She tries "a bite" and says she doesn't like it. Boyfriend goes disappointed face and says *"well i really like this i wish we both did. it makes me disappointed you didn't try longer/have a full bowl of anal."* i think ALL of you would understand if the girl was like *"You saying that makes me feel pressure to try anal again or do it even if i don't like it because now i feel guilty for hurting your feelings".* \n\ni know for non-picky eaters that comparison will seem crazy. For someone with ARFID or who is truly a picky eater, asking them to swallow and chew textures they have an aversion to is an extreme ask. \n\nOPs boyfriend is not a toddler for having food texture issues. OP is not a demoness for being disappointed. \n\nIt should really have been no big deal (to OP) that she likes a food and he doesn't. He shouldn't have to eat or pretend to like food he doesn't to be perceived as an "adult"., ESH. He sucks for expecting comfort about not liking a food, but you literally said it was fine for him to not like it and then got upset with him for not liking it. Many people can be sensitive to certain textures and tofu can be an odd one., NTA, and I will gladly accept donations of mapo tofu if he's going sulk because it's the bomb., Sorry sweetie, but YTA. You were acting passive aggressive AF. You absolutely were guilt tripping him with your behaviour. \n\nI understand your disappointment, but you need to calmly communicate these feelings to him. You can't just expect him to understand what this means to you. You also need to be prepared to be open minded to what he says, providing he's being respectful., NTA. You should ask him about his mom, and how she would act/react if he didn't eat something that she cooked, because I can flat-out guarantee you that this bullshit is all learned behaviour from his family. You need to tell him that you're not his mommy and you wont act like you are., Your boyfriend is a bit of a child, but you're also a manipulative individual, clearly from the story you related. Instead of coming online to seek validation for being so manipulative, why don't you speak honestly to your boyfriend. I honestly doubt the veracity of your story, and I suspect the interaction was much less one-sided, with you seeming like the benevolent one., NAH but only because you guys just need to learn to communicate better. Food can become a stressor for someone and foodtrauma is real. \n\nMy partner will eat and try close to anything, because he didn't always have access to food. On the other hand I am very food-sensitive and have a general dislike of food and tasting because I was pushed and pressured constantly. I had a lack of a safe space, rather than food. My default is 'I do not eat that' because if you give people an inch and a maybe, they keep pushing the food as if their lives depend on it. Somehow, not liking something they do like, is a capital offence., You're good. NTH. He tells you he hasn't eaten it before. You make it for him. He then tells you that he has, tries some, says it's good, but didn't want to even get a bowl for himself? Not even a small bowl? I would be disappointed too. But you told him it's okay to get other food. He should be feeling bad for not appreciating the effort you took to cook for him. You did fine. Just let him sit on thoses feelings., I’m not trying to be mean but do you want this? He sounds like a drama queen. You sure you’re not a fetish to this guy? Because I know loser white guys and this sounds like one of them., “I felt like I am not responsible for him feeling that way, just the same way I don’t blame him for me feeling disappointed.”\n\nHe seems set on that not being the case. I think he’s projecting how *he* would feel—i.e. that he would blame you, just as he is now, for his emotions—so you *must* be doing the same.\n\nSounds exhausting and unfair. Not to mention bringing up fast food as you’re actively making him dinner. Insensitive and thoughtless. NTA, ESH, but him more than you. If he's never had it before, and he isn't sure if he will like it, why would you want him to get a bowl of it? I mean, every time he tried to opt out, you made a comment. You could have just said "You can try a bite and if you like it have a bowl, otherwise just order out."\n\nBut the whole 'comfort him for feeling guilty' bit is nonsense, that's his own emotion to deal with, especially since he *asked* if you were upset about it. He needs to grow up a bit., ESH. Tofu is a really hit or miss food, especially with picky eaters. He offered to taste it with a backup option ready. You insisted he make his own bowl of it before he even tasted it which may have been perceived as more pressure to eat a full serving of the tofu than go to his backup. He was out of line by turning it into a guilt trip instead of simply saying he chooses to get something else.\n\nEdit: typos fixed, YTA. You made a dish, he said he'd try it, he tried it and didn't like it and you guiltripped him for not liking it. comforting him after has very little to do with this.\n\nI think op didn't mean it this way, but then saying "it's ok, I'll pack it for my sister" just sounds even more passive aggressive/guilting.\n\ntbh just needed to fully talk it out., NTA. Sounds like he expected you to be annoyed at him for not eating it. When you weren't, he tried to bait you into an argument about what you should have done/how you should have acted.\n\nAlso sounds like he wasn't expecting to like your food, talked himself into a TB then tried your dish, liked it then said he'd eat it so you weren't disappointed, and he could get away with eating it without having to correct himself or tell you he really enjoyed it. \n\nI've probably read more into it but he does sound exhausting. Why so much drama over a plate of food? OP please keep an eye out for him telling you how to react/how to feel/how to be. No one gets to tell anyone how to react, how to think., You can send your mapo tofu my way. I haven't had it in years and it's one of my fave dishes. NTA by the way. I'm ND and I understand getting focused on a meal and then not wanting to eat anything else. Usually doesn't hit me at home, but when I study an online menu beforehand and then go to the restaurant and the menu is outdated, I can completely lose the inclination to eat. I won't melt down, just not be interested anymore. However at home, if my partner laboured over a meal I would most certainly try it. We are both adults and understand the other might not like something and that's okay. We would bi nice "oh wow, I can see how you love this. It's nice but not for me, it's a little too (insert whatever here). Or he could just eat the rice and sauce and push the tofu to the side like my partner does with peas and mushrooms., I don’t think you’re the asshole, but at the same time, you literally told him “if you didn’t like it, you can order out.” When I’m trying something, it’s a bite, not a whole plate/bowl because if I don’t like it, the rest would go to waste. Would you have been okay if you made him a bowl, he tried it, didn’t like it, and tossed it? \n\nAlso, I’ve had friends and partners who were always iffy about trying new foods. That’s fine. You’re an adult, you make your own decisions, I just personally would not be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share my love for trying all the foods. It’s not my job to teach you culture., Sorry, but YTA. You told him it was okay if he didn’t like it, and then you have a tone «tone» from disappointment when he says he wants take out, which you already agreed he could do. You made him feel bad and you don’t give a shit about it. Don’t make a deal you can’t respect., YTA\n\nYou created your own problem here.\n\nAll the poor guy said was he never had tofu. Everything else is you making grand plans on behalf of bf to only have tofu for dinner (while presenting it as optional but at the same time guilttripping him that you are disappointed when he does not eat 'enough'). \n\nLet that sink in: he tried the tofu and you are upset he also ate something else. Talk about being controlling.\n\nYour bf is a grown adult and can decide what he wants to eat. He wanted to have taco bell. He was not up for trying something new (which is everyone's right) and does not have to explain that . He did not want to ONLY have tofu for dinner regardless of the taste.\n\nWhat the wants to have for dinner is not about your ego. The fact that you want to dictate what he eats and get disappointed about if he eats something else is an unhealthy you problem., Absolutely NTA.\n\nHe honestly sounds like a child., Why were you disappointed he didn't like your dish? My husband doesn't eat half of what I make because he doesn't like most veggies. It doesn't hurt me at all. It's a personal preference., Or maybe OP actually was giving him the cold shoulder because he didn’t like what she cooked? \n\nIn which case he could have just clearly said beforehand ‘I don’t like tofu’., NTA dude didn't even attempt to have an open mind with trying your food. You have every right to be upset about it., NTA. He’s ridiculous to need or expect comforting for feeling guilty over not liking your food, while apparently expecting you to just cheerfully accept that he’d rather have Taco Bell., ESH You guilt tripped him. You said from the beginning that is was fine for him to order something else but then got an attitude (by your own admission) when he took you up on that offer. \n\nYou don't have to comfort him, that was a weird thing to say, but you were definitely being passive-agressive at the very least and definitely trying to guilt trip.\n\nTofu seems to be one of these things you either like or don't. Many even find its appearance off putting. I (a white Anerican) like it, my ex and most of his family (Asian) do not. One of my sons will eat foods many Americans wouldn't, but tofu is a solid no for him., NTA, this guy is very immature OP. He doesn't seem like a good match for someone of your caliber., YTA or ESH.\n\nYou DID tell him "if he didn't end up liking it he can order out".\n\nHe is a bit AH for offering to order tacobell before he tried your food. Maybe after smelling or seeing your cooking he realised he definitely wouldn't like it, that's why he wanted to order out before trying. Or maybe he's inconsiderate AH.\n\nYou're a big AH for forcing him to eat it, and for manipulative guilt-tripping "I'm disappointed. I made it for us". Who is "us"? You said it yourself, there was a chance of him not liking it. You should've been prepared for it. And you shouldn't have forced him to make a whole bowl for him. If a person is so much sceptical about trying something there is a high chance of them not liking it because of reasons.\n\nYour inflated expectations are on you, they made you feel disappointed so much that you (intentionally or not) tried to guilt-trip him for not liking your food.\n\nI envision how this could go differently:\n\nHe orders tacobell. Before eating it he tries tofu from your bowl. If he had liked it, he would've put away tacobell for later and made a bowl of tofu for himself. But he didn't like it.\nHim: "It's good, I just don't like the texture of tofu".\nYou: "It's fine. More for me and my sister".\nAfter hearing your reassuring "it's fine" he goes to feed a dog.\n\nThat's it. No forcing anyone to anything, no need to comfort anyone.\n\nPerhaps I'm projecting my own experience here. I can get "Just try a bite, and if you don't like it, no hard feelings", sometimes I'll try a bite, sometimes I say "Still no, I'm sure I won't like it". And if they leave me alone after that, it's great. But I'm so done with people who don't listen to my multiple "No, I don't want it"., He sound like my Dad, and honestly my Dad is exhausting. He decides he doesn't like something before he's even tasted it and it's so annoying. I can't tell if your boyfriend has or hasn't eaten it before as that part is confusing. But he definitely decided he wasn't going to like it and wanted Taco Bell instead. Then made himself feel quilty when that became obvious to you. Then gaslit you into thinking it was somehow your fault and you needed to comfort him. Even my Dad doesn't do that. Your boyfriend is very immature 🤣 I don't know what that dish is, but I really want to try it now. NTA, NO you were not in the wrong. NTA. he needs a nap., ESH, Is this legit? It’s hard to believe these people are a real couple. If real, he’s really stupid. You’re NTA, but what do you see in him?, I suppose, since it's a partnership, you could provide a gentle reminder that it's okay to be disappointed but you wouldn't want to force anyone into a position they don't want to be in.\n\nBut a mature person shouldn't need that much comforting, and this should never require hour long arguments. \n\nYou're entitled to your peace, and that can't be bought., this is the behaviour of a spoilt child whose mummy asked him every single day what HE wanted for dinner. \n\nof course if someone has convinced themselves that they will not like something they have never tried before, they won't like it\n\nI would never cook for an adult like this, let alone go out with them, >>NTA. He expected you to comfort him after you went to all the effort to make a special dinner to share that you were happy about. LOL. BF is a selfish child in a grown body. I’m sorry you deal with this, OP. I hope it happens very, very infrequently., NTA. Your bf is a big baby. He needs to grow up., If tofu is a reason for both of you launching into such drama, it's time for some growing up on both of your parts., Does he even hear himself? NTA, NTA. He's got tiny, little feelings, eh?, You didn’t comfort him after he acted like a petulant child? NTA, ESH. Him for needing “comfort” for feeling guilty, you for making him try it when he clearly didn’t want to. He has the right to eat when he wants, whether his girlfriend cooked or not.\n\nIf I get a thought in my head about something specific and then make/try to eat something else, I eat the something that I want not what I was cooking and just put it away for another meal. I have binge eating disorder and if I try to force myself to eat when it’s something I don’t want/like/anticipate, it will usually spark a binge and I’ll eat everything in site till I get what I was fixated on. I’ve learned not to spark a binge. \n\nI have fairly childish tastes. I don’t like most seafood, I hate vegetables, can’t handle the texture of lunch meat, and a lot of other things.\n\nI have very specific ways things can be prepared. If something sparks a taste or texture issue for me, it immediately turns me off a dish sometimes forever. To the point of uncontrollable gagging and vomiting. I hate it about myself, but at 45 years old it’s not going to change. And it’s gotten worse through the years. \n\nNo one has the right to control what someone else eats., NAH. Apparently, his emotional range is as narrow as his culinary palate. \n\nBut, girl, you know this. And you knew when you started cooking that he was already craving Taco Bell. Since you presented your dish to him as an option, you shouldn't have been surprised when he wasn't interested in it. He never was. And he doesn't want to expand his palate. That, by definition, is a picky eater.\n\nPlease know, I am not saying the situation is right - just that it is. Don't give someone an out and be upset when they take it. That's just an exercise in futility., He needs to be comforted because he's acting like a little baby?okie dokie than., Ask why you should comfort him for feeling guilty about treating you badly? He was treating you badly., I'm sorry but I have to go against the grain here and say ESH. Don't get me wrong, the way he went through with it makes him a jerk, he should've communicated to you that he doesn't like tofu from the very beginning, and coming into the kitchen while you are cooking talking about buying delivery food is just plainly rude and thoughtless. Nonetheless, you also have some part of guilt here. You made a plate you didn't know whether he would like or not, you pushed for him to get a bowl instead of trying a bite first (which, I would find even more rude for him to grab a portion just not to like it afterwards, I think trying it first from your plate is perfectly normal), and when he expressed he didn't like the texture (which let's be honest, I generally like tofu but there's a lot of people who don't!) you visibly looked dissapointed (as per your own words: "maybe i did have a bad tone"), which is understandable, but I can see why he felt badly about it. \n\nHe tried it, didn't like it, and you did tell him originally that if he didn't enjoy it he could buy something else for himself, but when that happened you got upset (I understand the feeling of dissapointment, but I also understand why he would feel bad about it after being reassured it would be ok). That being said, going on a long rant about how you need to comfort him for making him feel "guilty" is just incredibly immature, I would very much take a long time thinking about your relationship because it just seems like a small issue made into a big fight., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nEarlier in the day, I told my bf that I was going to make Mapo Tofu, a dish he’s never had before. It is one I like a lot. He told me he’s never had tofu before so I was excited for him to try it. Since we have different cultures and different taste, I told him ahead of time that if he didn’t end up liking it, he can order out. Not that it matters much, but he’s white and I’m Asian.\n\nWhen I was making the food, he comes into the kitchen and tells me “Tacobell seems nice right now.” To which, I tell him I want him to at least eat some of the food I’m making. When I actually made the food, he seemed sure that he wasn’t gonna like it as he told me, “I’ll just try a bite of your bowl.” And I responded “Why don’t you just get a bowl for yourself?” He responds with, “I told really eat Tofu.” I was confused because I thought he told me he’s never tried it before. When he took a bite, he said, “It’s good, I just don’t like the texture of tofu.” So I ate my bowl by myself while he prepared the dogs food.\n\nWhen I’m about to clean up, he asks me, “Are you mad I didn’t like it?” I said “No, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. I made this for us.” He said “Atleast I tired it. You’re making me feel bad, fine I’ll just eat it.” I was thrown aback because I don’t want him to feel forced to eat something he doesn’t like. So I responded with “No it’s fine, you can get tacobell. I’ll just pack this for my sister and I’s lunch”. He then said, “I’ll just eat it, you’re making me feel guilty”, to which I just shrugged. \n\nWe then got into a long argument with him saying he expected me to comfort him when he expressed himself feeling guilty after the way I acted/ my tone of voice. He said he felt like I was guilty tripping him. I felt like I am not responsible for him feeling that way, just the same way I don’t blame him for me feeling disappointed. I just don’t know what more there was to say. I told him he’s free to get take out, and that I wasn’t mad at him for not liking my dish. Maybe I did have a bad tone, but it might be because I was disappointed. Please help me because I have no idea if I was in the wrong or not.\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, [removed], [removed], [removed], Look, nobody has to like a food, and sometimes you just know from the smell that something won’t be for you (pickles are like this, for me, fortunately people who like them seem to REALLY like them so I can usually hand them off to others- I tried them again a couple weeks ago just in case and no, still not for me). It’s good that he tried the food anyway, but I don’t think it’s horrible that he wanted to try a bite before getting a bowl himself, or that he decided it wasn’t his thing. Being disappointed is understandable, but then you probably should’ve not framed it as “you can eat out if it’s not your thing” and I wonder if you were just assuming he’d like it once he tried it and not really considering the alternative/just saying that to have him keep an open mind (as someone who’s not great with new textures, ask me how I know that people do this). However. Coming in and saying “Taco Bell sounds good right now” was pretty damn disrespectful, as was the whole “I expected you to comfort me” bit which also comes off as manipulative. Overall, I’m not sure either of you acted how I’d want a partner to treat me., You're not in the wrong. You don't owe him comfort because he had feelings. His feelings are his own to manage. He's acting like a child expecting mommy to coddle him because he got an ouchie., What kind of person doesn’t like Mapo Dofu? I’d dump him for his poor taste 👅, Tofu is like pit bulls. People judge before even giving them a chance., NTA. Is he an angsty tweenager? Good lord., Your boyfriend is such a pick me, omg., NTA. Sounds like you have a child not a boyfriend/partner., [removed], I don’t think either of you are the AH, but I think you did kind of act kind of pushy with the food. He must have smelled it or thought he could handle it but ended up not liking the look or the smell and changed his mind. I don’t think you needed to comfort him though either. You both did very minor wrong things but it didn’t make either of you ahs, You spent time making a dish and he knew exactly what was in it… And refused to eat it after you went to the trouble of actually making it.\n\nHonestly, if he had told you, he didn’t like tofu, there’s lots of other dishes, so I’m sure you would’ve been happy to make, or made another plan so that you could have Mapo tufu, and he could have something else..\n\nExcept he didn’t. He waited till the day and complained to you. And expected you to order Taco Bell before he even tried it. \n\nYou are NTA. You tried., To me it sounds like he really wanted/had a taste for Taco Bell 😂 none of the less I don’t think you’re the Ahole maybe he felt sum type of way the way you sounded or the tone you were talking 🤷🏽♂️, NTA, \ndoes he cry if Taco Bell delivery takes 18 minutes to arrive instead of 17?, He sounds super childish.\n\nEither he is not very mature and not in control of his own emotions, or he is the manipulative one attempting to insinuate you are manipulating him to feel guilty.\n\nEither way it’s not your job to coddle him. He doesn’t want to eat what you cooked, he is an adult and can cook for himself or go buy something.\n\nThis sounds exhausting, does he act like this a lot? Is this something you want to put up with rest of your life?\n\nDating is a time to audition people for the role of being a partner for the rest of your life. Does he seem like someone willing to do the work to grow, and has he demonstrated this or are you assuming he would?\n\nIt’s never easier to move on that the present. The longer you stay the more complicated it gets., NTA making himself some martyr for not liking your cooking and expecting an apology is manipulation and I wouldn’t have patience for it, You're not disappointed that he didn't like it. You're disappointed that he didn't give it a fair try. This likely won't be the last time he does this., NTA and change some habits.\n\n1. Do not pre-preemptively say "if you don't like it you can get something else or order out". That's just total disprespect for yourself as a cook. \nYou cook, he appreciates the effort. It is *food*, he will neither die nor starve. Worst that can happen to him is that he learned something new.\n\n2. When you are ready, prepare and serve two bowls and serve both of you. You know, like proper eating. \nDo not let him get in the kitchen, distract you or get put off by something he sees, before you have had a chance to complete the meal and serve it the way you want. This sounds like grazing, not eating: he comes by, goes to Taco Bell if he doesn't like what he sees. Don't enable that., What a drama llama!, [removed], This guy sounds tiring to be around., Anytime someone makes food for you, you have to be grateful. Even if you don't like the food, it is about respect, He'd rather have garbage fake Mexican food than a home cooked meal? \n\n\nNTA, drop him and find an adult to date., NTA.\n\nGood grief, what a manipulative little baby. If you don't like something, you don't like it. There's no need to feel guilty, he was just trying to make you feel bad for some reason (a reason that isn't nice, that's for sure.) It sounds like he was just determined to not like it and expected you to feel bad about that, it's weird.\n\nThe whole martyr act is so easy to spot, so manipulative, and so ugly, I hope that's not a regular thing with him., Are you the one who cooks predominantly?, ...] | 818 | 7515 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j284st/aita_for_not_comforting_my_bf_after_he_didnt_like/ | 2025-03-02 21:18:30 | NaT | 12 | 0 | 143 | 0 | 21 | 5 | 2 |
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| 4 | Update: AITA because I don't want my half brothers to come on a trip with my uncle and I | this is an update to my [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1iqn3wg/aita_because_i_dont_want_my_half_brothers_to_come/). thanks to everyone who answered.\n\nafter reading the comments, I realized it wasn't my place to ask my uncle not to invite my brothers, as he is also their uncle. also if I chose not to go it would just be denying myself something I really wanted to do and would upset my uncle, which I didn't want, so I decided to go to the nascar race. I also decided against saying anything further at that time.\n\nthe days before we left it felt like my brothers were being nicer than usual, so that was cool. they added me to their group chat 'so that it would be easier to keep in contact on the trip' (the reason they gave). I roomed with one of my older brothers, Max, in the hotel.\n\non Saturday we went to the racetrack for the first races. I was getting food when I accidentally cut the line (I thought the people standing in front had already ordered). someone pointed it out to me and I went to the right spot in line. there was a guy in line who was super mad, going on about how I was a little asshole and only apologized because I got caught and he walked up to me yelling. and then Max appeared and told the guy to calm down and to stop yelling at me. he kept yelling at me and max stood between me and the guy and told him 'if you say another thing to my little brother were going to have a problem' and the guy finally backed off. I've never seen Max as mad as he was right then over that guy yelling at, and it mean a lot the way he jumped in.\n\nback in our hotel room that night I was thanking Max again for standing up for me earlier and he told me as his brother he'd always do that for me. it seemed like the right moment, so I finally took the advice and opened up to him. I told him that I wished me, him, Jake and Shane hung out more together - and I'd like doing more stuff with him and them. we talked for a long time about our relationship. Max then talked to Shane and Jake, because the next day they both apologized for me having felt left out as well.\n\nwhen we flew back home Max had told Jake more of what I had said (he asked me if he could first). Jake and I went out on Tuesday and talked about it a bunch, and he kept apologizing for letting me down. I told it was probably mutual and I didn't act like I wanted to spend time with them - but he told me he was my big brother and should've been better. we've all agreed to do better going forward. kinda funny that it was a drunk guy yelling at me which got me to open up in the end. | UPDATE | [Definitely time for me to leave the internet for the evening. Glad for the update <3, This update made me really happy, I hope you all are able to have a better relationship going forward. Wishing you the best OP 💙💜, Thank you for taking the time to update. I’ve been wondering how everything went. I’m really glad you enjoyed the racing and, also, that your brothers will try to include you more.\n\nCheers, mate!, I've noticed that a great way for family to mend an issue is coming together because of an outsider. I think it takes a "them" to bring out the sense of "us"., This update brought to you by Kleenex, Omg this is so good, Got a rush of the warm fuzzies reading this 🤗, Awwww yaaaaay this makes me so happy! Sometimes people are just oblivious and not trying to be mean., finally something wholesome for a change.\n\n\nhappy for you, kid. things are looking up!, Moral of the story: Always get drunk and angrily shout at strangers. You might bring a family together., I absolutely love this. Thank you for taking the time to update. , You should be very proud of yourself, OP. You handled an extremely difficult situation with patience and maturity. Most people would not have handled it as well, but even at your young age you were able to use this controversy to make your family stronger. \n\nIf you continue seeking advice from others, being open-minded to the feelings and experiences of even the people hurting you, patiently weighing your options, and then choosing the wiser but more difficult course of action, I think you will be happy and successful in your life. It won't always work out this well because there is some luck involved, but on average you will benefit., You slay OP.. this is really amazing, It sounds like your uncle handed you a key, and you've unlocked a door.\n\nI didn't see your original post, but your update makes me very happy., Wasn’t expecting to have a happy cry this morning, but here we are - awesome update., Wonderful update, I'm so happy for you 😁, The sweetness of Max to stand up for his brother made me cry. I am so happy that you accidentally cut that line. You were very strong to be open and vulnerable with your brothers. I am so very impressed with your mature handling of this entire incident. I hope that you and your brothers have wonderful, happy lives!❤️, This is amazing🥹🥹🥹🥹, Thank you for the update, OP. This is one of the few times I’ve seen a post in this sub have positive results., Man I LOVE this update! Well done you on being brave and making yourself vulnerable to Max. Understand that there may be a few hiccups down the road as you all adjust but this is brilliant, One of the Best updates I have read!, Just the classic family reunion/ therapy session at a drunken NASCAR race!! I love it., This is a wonderful update, I'm so happy you and your brothers are starting to spend more time together!, Not me getting misty eyed on my work break 😭 OP, I'm really happy with the way this turned out for you. You handled this very maturely and look what happened! Here's to new beginnings :D, Who is cutting onions? Thanks OP, what a beautiful update., Awww this is nice. I’m very happy for you and your family., OP really has a nice heart for us not to keep on hanging. Thanks for the update it is amazing, 🏆, I'm so glad you had a good trip, and that things are going better with your brothers!, Are there onions around here somewhere?, This makes my heart happy, I'm happy for you., A relationship with someone you're not close with that later improves is the best thing ever! Hope things go well for you and thanks for the update!, Aww I'm so glad this was a good update. I was really hoping you'd have one. Sounds like things worked out really well., Yay!!!! This is what I needed to read today. Just a little bit of joy., This got me teary, very happy for the you OP, I’m so glad you decided to go and it ended up being the event that’s brought you closer to your siblings. \n❤️, Omg I love it. How sweet!, That was an amazing update! Good for you for having the courage to open up and share how you’re really feeling. It’s hard but it can be super rewarding!, I’m actually crying a little! So glad it all worked out!, YTA- for smudging my makeup by making me tear up. this is the sweetest thing i’ve ever read., Good on you. A rare win. Where everyone is happy., This is so beautiful I can barely believe it's real!\nThough I'll assume it is and say: dear OP, I wish you many loving years to come with your brothers!, great upsate, I'm not crying, my eyes are sweating., This is so terrific., There is absolutely the best update I’ve ever read. You were able to go on the trip and have a vulnerable moment that brought about a resolution to the real issue! Communication works!, I am so happy this is here! One million upvotes for OP! \nIt’s great that you were able to connect with your siblings, and I truly hope you’re all able to build a great relationship! Congrats man., this actually brought tears to my eyes. good for you, An actual good ending to a Reddit story? I'm surprised.\n\nAnyways, good for you, OP. Enjoy your newly formed bonds with your siblings. And take the lesson that communicating is important to your heart, it'll greatly help you in the future., This was so nice to read. This just prove that talking is the key to any relationship., Lovely little one. Wishing you the best relationship with your brothers. , This is the best update! It brought a tear to this mama’s eyes, Oh please let this be real. Please let this be real., yeah lol definitely not the asshole (maybe🤭😅) upvote returning to you, Wow, this is such a heartwarming update! It’s amazing how a tough moment led to you opening up and strengthening your bond with your brothers. I had a similar experience where a stranger’s rudeness made my sibling step in, and it brought us closer too. Family can surprise you in the best ways. Wishing you all more amazing trips together!, I’m literally crying rn, It's good to see your relationship with your brothers improve. Hopefully, it continues, it's nice seeing happy updates on reddit for a change., Aw, so glad that your relationship with your siblings might be improving., Reading this thinking about Domino saying "You hear yourself right?" to Deadpool.\n\n"back in our hotel room that night I was thanking Max again for standing up for me earlier and he told me as his brother he'd always do that for me. it seemed like the right moment, so I finally took the advice and opened up to him.", I am so happy it turned out so well!, This is so sweet! I’m happy for you OP, Yo, Its not my story but I needed to hear something good. I am so happy to hear that they opend up and you all are trying. Its not easy to move past issues like that but I am happy yall are trying. I am sending all the good vibes and healing powers i can. Happy 2025 and future years., This update has made me super happy! OP I wish you and your brothers and family the very best with your relationship going forward!, Congratulations OP. That’s amazing. My only advice is to keep actively working on the relationships. There are no road maps for half siblings. Coming from a toxic situation where I have 2 half brothers from different mothers, it was hard. Especially because my mom worked so hard to make sure my life was so stable, while my brothers had a much more tumultuous time. I had no idea how much resentment my brothers had built up over the years because I got to go home to somewhere safe. (We weren’t rich. We had no big vacations, I just wasn’t abused at my mom’s place like my brothers were abused at their mother’s place. We were all abused at my bio father’s place). We are working on our relationships now. But it’s a hard road. So I’m glad you are starting now! And that your brothers are so supportive of you., Bonding time with the bros! Maybe the uncle was hoping for this outcome., yea lets goooo, happy for u, I love this! I’m so happy for you! What initially started as something you were unwilling to do, and were out of your comfort zone (sharing your uncle) turned in to a really great bonding experience for you and your brothers. I wish your family a lovely life OP., Hell yeah dude. This rocks, aww im glad things are looking up, OP I am very happy for you!, I just wanted to say I am happy for you, and your brothers! All the best in the future., Hell yeah dude, I wish you and your brothers the best. Maybe you can start plotting a really cool road trip or something like that with them for when you turn 18, it'd be a really cool way to bond and you all can do something you like together., I'm glad things are looking up. We never know how one incident can turn things around. Your post reminded me of this one with a similar vibe.\n\n[AITA for referring to my cousins as "my brothers" in a post, when I (18m) never refer to my stepbrothers (20m, 17m, and 13m) that way](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/182kvep/aita_for_referring_to_my_cousins_as_my_brothers/), awww that's so nice, so glad you decided to go on the trip now, so happy for you, I'm 3 days late to the party but I'm crying in the club rn, I'm so glad I read the original post 1st. This is such a great update! And good on you for finally addressing your feelings out loud, and also to your brothers for being genuine in their ability to see that they needed to step up too! I love this for you all!, [deleted], that’s awesome. But your family still sounds toxic so i’d recommend cutting contact with all of them. LOL. just kidding., Someone should have a talk with step dad as well. After reading the original and the comments, especially how the uncle has four nephews not just OP, then the same should be said for the step father. If all 4 are going to go on trips with the uncle then OP should be included on all the trips the other 3 take with their father regardless of whether mom can afford it or not. The step dad has four sons now not 3!, It's all sunshine and rainbows but where were they when they went to Europe twice a year lmao] | 118 | 7296 | 0.99 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j12uam/update_aita_because_i_dont_want_my_half_brothers/ | 2025-03-01 11:07:20 | NaT | 1 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
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| 5 | WIBTA if I send an email to the bday girl’s mom explaining why my daughter left the party early. | My (43F) daughter Annie 9F) was invited to a party at a bowling alley to celebrate a classmate’s birthday. Only girls were invited to the party and about 21 (edit: i think it might have only been girls 17) were in attendance. We were about 5 minutes late to the party and arrived at the same time as another classmate (Betty). Due to the long lines, it took Annie and Betty about 10 minutes to get their shoes and to walk over to the lanes. The hostess had reserved 3 lanes next to each other. As typical with bowling alleys, there was 2 curved benches for seating for 4 lanes. \n\nWhen we arrived at the lanes, the other girls names were programmed into the two lanes and an adult male was programming his name in the 3rd lane. Annie went to the area and was directed to the third lane. I said hi to a few of the other parents and saw that Annie left the area. I asked her where she was going and she said that she was told to go get a blue ball because it was lighter. I realized that the ball was 14 pounds so I told her I will go look for a lighter ball for her. When I came back with a ball, one of the parents asked if I was bowling and I said that I was just getting a lighter ball for Annie. As I gave the ball to Annie, I heard the dad of one of the other girls say to Betty that her name is now on Lane 2 as the birthday girl’s mom, the hostess (Dana), came by. I asked Dana if Annie can also be added to Lane 1 or 2 and was told that Annie is in Lane 3. I was surprised and walked over to Lane 3 to see that Annie was added to Lane 3 and the only player on Lane 3 was Annie playing with the adult male who we didn’t know with a bunch of other players named kid 1, kid 2 and kid 3. I then saw Annie sitting by herself. I asked her if she wanted to go to the other bench to join her friends but she said she was on Lane 3 and was waiting her turned to bowl though the adult male was bowling for the other kids. I let her be and went back to talk to some of the parents but 5 min later realized she was still sitting alone on the bench rather than joining her classmates on the other bench for Lane 1 and 2. I walked over and asked her again why she didn’t join the other classmates and she said that she felt left out. So I asked her if she wanted to go. She said she did because she didn’t want to play with the adult male stranger. So Annie and I walked out. As we went out the door, her friends asked her why she was leaving and she said she didn’t want to bowl with the male stranger. The other parents asked me why we were leaving and I said that Annie was playing on a separate lane by herself. A few parents offered to have them take turns in Lanes 1 and 2 but by that time Annie had walked out. I then took her out for ice cream. After we left, I realized I could have asked Dana to divide the girls evenly into 3 lanes but by that we had already left. \n\nI’m really upset how the hostess thought it was ok to isolate Annie and am glad I didn’t just drop her off and leave. WIBTA is if I sent the hostess an email explaining why we left early and how the setup was exclusionary, and that it was improper to have my daughter bowl with an adult male stranger instead of her classmates? | Not the A-hole | [NTA, but: You should have asked, why there is a stranger bowling on the reserved lines. And yes, you should have asked Dana to divide the girls to the three lines. But it doesn't help now to send an angry e-mail. It will only backfire. Dana had much to do with 21 kids there. Yes it was bad that Annie was put on the last line. But I think no one was thinking that far. Children have the first come first served mentality and all wanted to be on the lines with the friends. And Dana had to do with all the other stuff - so I think she will be just angry at an E-Mail and it could backfire to Annie and her friendship to the classmate., 5 minutes late but yet everyone else had managed to queue up, get their shoes and be sat at the lanes?, Hosting a bowling party for a bunch of kids is SO draining. Dealing with putting kids names into lanes in order, late comers, and swaps and keeping track of who goes next, etc requires octopus levels of organization and a lot of help. The mom was probably overwhelmed, but she probably would have helped out if you had voiced your concern to her directly that your daughter felt left out and uncomfortable playing with a strange male., YTA for not speaking up and using your words at the time. \n\nTalk to the adult male stranger, for example: “are you part of the birthday girl’s birthday celebration? No? Then why are you bowling in this reserved lane?” Or, if yes: “who are these kids? Let’s introduce them to Anna, and let’s have them bowl for themselves so that you, the adult, aren’t the only one using this lane.”\n\nAlso talk to the host mom: “is that man in lane 3 part of the party?” “Can we swap the kids out periodically so that they all have a chance to bowl with the birthday girl?” \n\nAnd so forth. Advocate for your daughter in the moment, when something can be done about the situation, not later when you would mainly just be venting anger and it’s too late to change the outcome., I think YWBTA if you sent an email. I get that Annie was disappointed, and the hosts didn’t handle the situation as well as you would have liked, but what response do you expect? \n\nI’m assuming the ominously titled adult male stranger was probably a member of the birthday girls family or something since they were using the reserved lane, and while it sucks that Annie was added to a lane with people she didn’t know, it’s understandable that Dana was not focused on prioritizing the happiness and comfort of someone else’s kid at her own kid’s party., YWBTA if it wasn't a big enough deal for you to say something or just tell your daughter she didn't have to sit in the same lane as she was bowling in, or even bowl at all- then it's definitely not worth bringing up after the fact. \n\n" jsyk, I left your party because you as the host weren't paying lore attention and providing better entertainment for my child." \n\nThere's not a good way to say that because you didn't advocate more for her at the time. Kids don't know how to act at parties. It was your job to integrate her into the group, and you failed. You barely put any effort into making her comfortable and then just left when no one else did it for you. Sucks to be a kid whose parent doesn't teach you, YWBTA because you didn't address this at the time. Asking your daughter to fix things by going back and forth wasn't ideal, but it was something. Talking to a parent to fix this on the spot is what you should have done., YWBTA, you arrived late to a party with a large amount of attendees, and with 21 attendees, the host is trying to get everyone situated. 2 kids being a few minutes late to the place and then another 10 just getting shoes adds to that, and then having to go find a bowling ball that was an appropriate weight....\n\nPlease don't start drama for you and your child. Lesson learned that going forward you should be a few minutes early to an event like this, and perhaps offer to help the host organize to be sure everyone has a spot with friends., YWBTA. You know bowling parties normally go for more than one round of bowling, right? You wanted them all to switch around mid-round, when _you_ were late? Listen, maybe not at 9 years old, but at 10 or 11… the students at my bowling party would have teased your daughter for leaving like that. I wouldn’t have, but I would have been hurt my friend left with no explanation. Maybe kids have changed in the last two decades, but everything in me just instinctually cringed while I was reading this, so I’m gonna go with my gut here and say “Nah.”, YWBTA You already told them why you were leaving. And in my opinion, you left too quickly without giving anyone the opportunity to really remedy the situation.\n\nThe time to have dealt with the issue was then, not in an email afterwards., You typically can only fit 6 bowlers per lane. With 21 kids they'd need 4 lanes. How did 20 kids fit in two lanes. That's what I'm confused about., Certain parties definitely run smoother if everyone is on time, YTA It’s weird that you didn’t introduce yourself or your daughter to the gentleman. If the mere existence of a man at the party caused you such consternation, couldn’t you have asked one of the other parents who he was? It seems they were adding girls to lanes as they arrived and were expecting 3 more. Next time plan your time better and use your grown up manners/words., YTA for not actually advocating for your daughter at the bowling alley. Instead, you just left with her. You taught her to just take whatever crap she's given and bail if she doesn't like it. You could've had that convo with the parent in charge and made sure ahe was included in the proper way., INFO: You said that there were other kids’ names on lane 3, correct? \n\nWhere were those kids? \n\nIt sounds like they may have went over to sit on the other 2 lanes and been more interested in hanging out than bowling.\n\nWas your daughter the only kid assigned to that lane? Or was she the only kid assigned to that lane who didn’t shift over and sit with the group on lanes 1 & 2?, YWBTA. You say a strange male, but was it a random man at the bowling alley or someone with the party, but you just weren't familiar with him. I'm also not sure what you expected her to do if she'd already started assigning lanes before you arrived.\n\nIf your daughter wanted to leave, there was no reason to make her stay, but I don't see what blame the hostes had. It also looks like when you brought it up, people were looking for a solution, but you let your daughter walk out., Bowling parties for kids are nightmares. We normally had parties at home for our daughter when she was growing up but when she was 10 we thought we’d make it easier for ourselves and throw the party at the bowling alley. Only 15 kids. I felt like I had 50 kids. Never again. Total chaos. trampoline Centres are a nightmare too., YWBTA birthdays parties aren’t perfectly organized, and host parents are distracted some times. You should have just asked to add her / had her go hang with friends. Or asked some girls to come join her. Could have been a teaching moment for the kiddo. Instead it was weird and passive aggressive., Very gently, YTA if you send the email. If there was a problem it should have been handled at the party. \n\nAs a mom who hosts a bowling party every single year I know exactly how this stuff happens. While I'm being crazy doing a dozen things at once, the kids and other parents start going at the lanes. It's a little ramshackle but we make it work. Luckily, the parents stick to their own lane while the kiddos all play together. We haven't had an issue like this one. Also, my kiddo is 7 so definitely different social skills than 9yo.\n\nI'm sure it wasn't intentional, and it sucks that your daughter felt excluded, but you could have spoken up then and rectified the situation. It would have been good to teach your daughter to advocate for herself instead of just sitting in misery. \n\nMy 7yo has ADHD and a tendency to be left out due to being more exuberant than other kids. I've had to advocate for them and it only works in the moment. Coming at people later to tell them they made a mistake doesn't fix the issue until next time. And next time will your daughter be invited? Better to fix it in the moment., The time to handle it would have been at the party. A simple “hey Annie & I are gonna leave, she feels isolated not being able to bowl with her friends on the other lanes & I understand we are late. Happy birthday so & so” & left & still had your ice cream adventure with Annie. I think the time has passed and it won’t be perceived how you want it to be. Just my opinion., NAH - I'd skip the follow-up, it's done and telling her now will not do anything really except make mom feel bad, and could have negative repercussions depending on this mom and what she might say to other parents. 'Annie's mom's a drama queen, don't invite Annie to parties'.\n\nINFO though....how do 20 kids fit in 2 bowling lanes? Was the 'adult male' a dad of Kid 1,2.3 and were these 'kids' actually classmates? \n\nEither way, the time was AT the bowling lane to bring it up, when asked why you were leaving. You keep saying 'adult male stranger'. Why? If no one on Lane 3 were part of the party, then she's bowling with 'strangers'. Why are you so focused on 'adult male'??\n\nYou should have gone to Dana to say you were leaving and why, but you chose to just mention it to the other parents. Leave it at this point, it's done., You're talking about 3 bowling lanes. The lanes are right next to each other. Even if her name was on a separate lane, that doesn't stop her from talking to the 15 people a foot away from her. I'm sure plenty of the girls on lanes 1 and 2 were talking to each other, even though their names were on separate lanes., INFO- You mentioned that lane 3 had the names of 3 kids on the board. Were they the names of 3 kids that didn’t show up to the party and the adult had put them on there as placeholders? \n\nAlso, why did you immediately jump to leaving the party? It sounds like the other girls wanted Annie to stay and the other parents would’ve accommodated her even though you were late.\n\nEDIT TO ADD- What are you hoping to accomplish by sending this email?, YTA. You were late and your daughter doesnt drive. So it falls squarely in your lap. You will never know what would have been had you been on time, Don't waste energy on this, what would the point be? Ywbta, YWBTA. This is giving main character energy. You had ample opportunity to resolve the issue at the bowling alley and this is now passive aggressive. All of this is a result of your poor planning. When you were chatting with the other moms you could have used that as the opening for your daughter but you chose to socialize., YWBTA to make this a big deal by sending an email. You were not TA for leaving though., ESH. The host sucks for obvious reasons. \n\nYou suck the most though. You were late to the party, spent 10 minutes finding shoes and a ball, and then you left your daughter alone with a strange man on the lane so you could gossip with friends.\n\nDon’t send the email., YWBTA. The time to bring it up was then or never. Just as you should have made it clear that your daughter was playing solo and ask about a rearrangement (checking the facts if this host mom and other parents actually think that’s ok or if they are simply unaware/focused on other things) before you suggested the idea of leaving of leaving to your daughter. Not because you owe these people anything but because this was an event for your daughter to enjoy with her friends. That was the goal. Leaving, with the exclusion unaddressed, isn’t meeting that goal. \n\nI understand the urge to fight for your daughter, it’s commendable, but in this case it’s gonna work against you. She wants to fit in and spend time with her friends. Instead of attacking another host and potentially making the situation worse, try your own event with her and her friends and give her what she missed out on., YWBTA It sounds like there were several adults there including yourself who don't understand the role of chaperone. Your expectation that one mom (yes, mom, even though you said the dad was there) was supposed to be on top of this (even though you were late) is not realistic and to offer your criticism of this poor woman after the fact is offensive. When other parents became aware of the issue they offered solutions that may have been acceptable to your daughter but she was already out of earshot, so you just left? Without asking your daughter if she'd like to share another kid's spot? You didn't even give her that option before you just left!?, YWBTA. If nobody has reached out to you, then they don’t care. You can’t tell someone else how to run a party they’re paying for. Use it as a teachable moment for your daughter- tell her we always make an effort to include everyone when hosting an event. You did the right thing by leaving and taking her for ice cream. You made the best of it. Now let it go., ESH for writing an email. You arrived late. Sometimes life doesn’t go as we plan. \n\nThe man probably wasn’t a stranger to the family, at least that’s not how I read it just a stranger to you and your daughter. Could they have chosen to take turns? Yes and they should have. Kudos to you for leaving with your daughter and telling the other parents why. No need to address it more unless they ask., YTA: If you comment on what happened, that mother may say something in front of her daughter, who will then repeat it at school. In the end it will add to your daughter's already negative experience. And it may result in her not getting invited to the next birthday party.\n\nThis was very poor planning on the mother's part. Be the bigger person and let it go., I mean it wouldn't make you an AH but also it wouldn't do anything positive.\n\n\nYou can't parent other people., Info: Are you sure they weren’t waiting for more kids to arrive and holding their places on Lane 3 with the generic names Kid 1, Kid 2, etc?, NAH She didnt isolate you your daughter. You guys showed up late and is sounds like before you got there every one who got there on time fit into the 2 lanes so why would they have spread out into 3 when the whole group could stay together, and obviously they werent going to split the groups mid game. You have no reason to be upset, you left with out looking for a way to fix it. But you are teetering on TA, I don’t think you’d be an asshole in explaining why you all left, but I don’t think that mom will care. I bet she knew exactly what was going on and didn’t care… or didn’t care enough to make sure your daughter was included. As a guest, you shouldn’t have to ask for the party to be rearranged for your daughter to be included. A caring host would have kicked the man off her reserved lanes and split the girls up evenly from the start. As a host, your job is to make sure everyone has a nice time. \n\nI wouldn’t bother explaining your actions, but if someone asks, be honest. Your daughter was left to bowl on a lane by herself with a man not associated with the party. You asked once for your daughter to be included and the request was ignored, so you left because your daughter didn’t feel comfortable. You did the right thing for your daughter in that moment, don’t ever apologize for that., YTA already and would be a bigger asshole if you emailed. The other kids' parents managed to get them to the party on time, which is why they were in the first lanes. The mom probably assumed that you were going to be a no-show, but still opened the other lane just in case for latecomers. If your kids had a bit of patience they could have probably been integrated into the next game with kids she knows. If she was desperate to bowl, the third lane was available. With that many kids to wrangle, there probably wasn't a ton of bowling actually happening anyway. Your daughter was feeling left out just because her name wasn't on the screen. You did nothing and just ran away from the problem. This is not teaching your kid resilience., Am especially disappointed Dana didn’t notice. For me, part of hosting kids parties is overseeing to make sure all are being included. That said, I would only address it if you are asked. YWBTA softly, Yes, don’t mention it just move on. If you’ve ever hosted a kids party at a location you know it’s chaos, also bowling alleys set things up the parents pay and show up. I’m sure none of that was intentional and the host probably had a million things pulling her attention. You’re either going to make the host and the kids feel bad which probably will mean your daughter won’t get invited anymore and depending on the kids maybe not to anyones party. I don’t think anything good will come of it an it’s better off to explain to your daughter how chaotic things get etc sorry she was hurt but more likely than not it wasn’t intentional, YWBTA. The mom will hear that something went wrong if she hasn't already. Do mentally prepare a short response if she asks about it without all the extra stuff. "My daughter was uncomfortable bowling with a man and kids that didn't seem to be part of the party. She felt left out that all the other girls were together in the other two lanes and she was by herself. ".\n\n\n Then apologize for being late, because that was the reason your daughter ended up there. Delete the excuses of someone else being late from your brain. The host knows this and can think about it herself. Don't turn it into a petty argument. \n\n\nIf she doesn't ask, don't bring it up. You will make things awkward for your daughter. Leaving it alone allows the host to think about it and do things differently. You scolding her will make her defensive. \n\n\nAddress your issue. Which is making your child late to a party. That is always problematic for the child and you need to make a huge effort for her sake. You glossed over and excused that in a way that makes me think this common for you. , Ywbta if you sent the email. My son had a bday at the bowling alley once, it’s chaotic, I was thankful for other parents helping out, we also had kid 1 kid 2, etc… on the third lane to accommodate late comers. As kids showed up late we swapped their names and Kids get bored waiting their turn to bowl so another mom would just holler, does anyone want to bowl next? And kids were bowling all over the reserved lanes. \n\nYou left and didn’t speak up, just move on don’t send the email, Ywbta, next time don’t be late to a party. Betty was a close friend to the birthday girl so they made an exception. Having to throw a party for that many kids is difficult enough without someone coming in late. It does suck that your daughter had to be in that situation. Sending out an email after the fact isn’t going to help anything., YWBTA \n\nI have organised bowling parties for my kid. It's loud and chaotic and when people arrive late it just makes it all difficult. \n\n\nThere was no reason why your daughter couldn't just go and talk to her friends in-between her go. If she's a shy child you should make sure you get to parties early so she has time to settle in before everything gets started.\n\nLeave this alone., I’ve done bowling parties. \n\nIt’s really hard to run a bowling party well. It’s essential that everyone meets up before and goes in together to establish shoes and teams before the names are added into the system at the same time. Either this or teams are sorted before the party on the understanding that some teams will be less if people are late or don’t turn up. \n\nThe system times out so this all must be done promptly at the start. It’s a nightmare to add late guests as it messes up the flow as others are well into the game. \n\nThen there is taking children to the loo and providing refreshments all before it times out. \n\nBrave choice of party venue. I’m guessing the parents in question didn’t know how hard it would be. \n\nSo knowing what I know about these types of parties and knowing you were 20 mins late to join I’d put it down to an unfortunate series of errors on both sides. Let it go., ESH. So you were late to a party but your defense to that is you weren’t the only one who was late, so you shouldn’t have to have consequences? \n\nI doubt the hostess singled out your daughter for any reason other than being overwhelmed and now having to accommodate someone who’s late. Mistakes were made all around. But storming off sends the message perfectly and you might find less invitations in the future., YWBTA.\n\nEveryone knows why you left because you've already told them.\n\nIt's a little suspicious that you were only a couple minutes late and yet all of those kids were already on the lanes with their names programmed. \n\nThe guy on lane 3 likely wasn't a stranger to the party, just to you and your kid. Having Kid 1, 2, 3, etc was likely placeholders for any kids that came late. If he was bowling for all of those "kids" until something came up, you could've easily joined and bowled with him and your daughter, so she would've felt more comfortable. Where were you? You went to find a ball for her, but where were you after that? Why aren't you sitting with her? There's obviously plenty of space. \n\nJust a side note, most bowling alleys cap the number of people per lane at 5. It's ridiculous to have 17 other kids on two lanes., NTA. That was a really awkward situation for a 9 year old. I’m glad you stuck around., I’m just confused who thought it would be better dividing 21 kids into two lanes and have an adult hog the third lane. If that’s my kids party, we’re using all 3 lanes for the kids. That would take forever to cycle through all 10 kids. Each kid would get like 4 turns if it’s an hour slot. But, if I was in mom’s position, I’d be adding my name to lane 3 and I’d just be bowling with my kid and making friends with the “stranger.” After the fact, there’s not much point in emailing the hosts. Everyone knows why you guys left. If it comes up in the future when the parents get together, by all means discuss it then., Annie could bowl on lager 3 and still hang out with the girls from lager 1 & 2. I can imagine her crossing her arms over her chest with a “hmpfff”., The only time to address it was in the moment but you must also know how stressful it is greeting and organizing guests at an offsite event. \n\nYes, the host should have shifted the girls around, agreed. \n\nYou made your statement by leaving, and criticizing the situation to others (who undoubtedly repeated it to the host), sending an email is a sure fire way to make sure your daughter is excluded from future play dates, overnights, etc. \n\nInstead your daughter learned that shit happens and you can either roll with the punches or run for the hills., YTA, it was offered to you that your kid could take a turn from other kids on 1 and 2, she would have been sat with the other kids and it could have been redivided for the next game. Birthday girls mom doesn’t need an email from you after, NTA Because you were just following your daughter’s lead and trying to avoid more hurt feelings. But I’m really leaning towards ESH (except Annie). Why didn’t you say something earlier to the parents? Instead of just letting your daughter sit there lonely. It sounds like this could have easily been fixed had you just spoken up. You’re teaching your daughter to put her head down and run away when someone hurts her feelings instead of teaching her to stand up for herself and use her voice. The other parents suck slightly for not recognizing there was an issue sooner.\n\nEdit: just realized I wasn’t replying to your actual question. YTA if you send the email; it’s honestly just as much your fault for not saying something sooner when the other mom was likely overwhelmed with party duties. And this is the type of thing that would make me as a parent maybe not want to extend an invite next time or the girls could hear about it and that could start a thing where they don’t want to be friends with her anymore, YWBTA. Show up on time from now on., I'm going to go out on a limb here and say YTA if you send an email. \n\nYour daughter gets invited to a friend's party which you show up late to then expect the hostess to accommodate your child. There were 21 children at this party, in my experience kids tend to be accompanied by at least one adult, so we're talking around 40 people in a loudass bowling alley. All of them coming up to the hostess/birthday girl trying to talk to them and get on with the bowling. Then your daughter sat by herself feeling excluded? \n\nObviously the guy bowling by himself was being a dick. It's a child's party and this guy's taking up a third of the space? What a jerk. But it also sounds like there was space set aside for your daughter, but it wasn't exactly what she wanted. When I've been to birthday parties at bowling alleys where multiple lanes are reserved, it's common for people to bowl in one lane and socialize with their friends at another.\n\nFrom what you've described, it sounds like this was a great opportunity for your daughter to learn about advocating for herself. But instead of encouraging her to find a way to socialize with her friends or teaching by example as her parent, you let her run away from a mildly awkward social situation without any kind of attempt at resolving her emotions. Then rewarded this behavior with ice cream.\n\nSounds like your daughter got a life lesson, but not a good one., If Dana already knows, then you're only messaging for a reaction. You also need to consider what would your daughter want. Would she want her mother to create a scene if it's going to cause upset and double for her at school. I'm guessing no, so the only person your doing it for would be you, and that would make you the A in that scenario. Whilst I fully get your need to protect your child, you may make the situation much worse if you email the host mum and so YTA., You were late. Yta, Info: am I understanding right that lane 3 had the names of other children who had been assigned to that lane?\n\nIt sounds like they knew how many kids were expected, and assigned the kids to lanes based on order of arrival; that way the kids who arrived first weren’t stuck waiting around for the kids who were late. If several more kids were on their way, then assigning Annie to lane 3 isn’t a bad decision; why should the other kids have to restart their games (losing their scores up to that point) just so that a late arrival doesn’t need to wait for other late arrivals???\n\nMaybe I’m misreading the situation, but I think you made the biggest mistakes here. You should have gone with your daughter to figure out where she was going to be instead of socializing with parents, and when you found out she’d been assigned to a lane that didn’t have other kids yet you should have talked to someone (eg, the “male stranger”) to figure out what the plan was. Maybe you’d have found out that they had 4 more kids who were running late but had confirmed they were on their way (eg, maybe they were carpooling from a karate class or something), in which case you could have brought your daughter to hang out with her friends until the other kids arrived. If they had 11 more “yes” RSVPs but didn’t know how many would actually show up, you could have brought your daughter to the other lanes to wait and if one of the games ended before anyone else showed up, asked if the setup could be adjusted for the next game so all the kids would have someone to play with (either adding her to that group, or dividing that group into two smaller groups).\n\nYour daughter was too shy to go hang out with her friends because she heard “You’re assigned to lane 3” and thought it meant “You are supposed to go sit at lane 3 and not go anywhere else.” You as her parent should have then helped figure out what the plan was so you could tell her where she was “supposed” to be until more kids showed up. It seems a bit unreasonable to expect the host to be on top of that when you showed up late and then went to socialize before confirming your daughter was happily situated., YWBTA. This happened because you arrived late. It wasn't a deliberate attempt to exclude your daughter. The hostess probably already felt bad about it, and it would be unnecessary to try to make her feel even worse. These things happen. Be on time next time., You arrived late, didn’t get what you wanted then taught your daughter how to bail out rather than to navigate an uncomfortable situation. I feel sorry for the dude in the third lane. Sounds like daughter just felt left out rather than being uncomfortable around some guy. I hope it doesn’t mess up her friendships as kids can be such d1ckheads sometimes, I might get down voted, but I'm going with YTA. So you came late, you said 5 mins late, then 10 to get shoes... I'm going to assume that your child was "ready" to start bowling 1/2hr after the party started, and then you had to go and find a lighter ball etc. it sounds like you were late, the hostess tried to make it work, if the 3rd lane was also reserved that might have been a stranger to you, but not to the hostess, and it's not like you were leaving your child alone with a stranger, you were there as well, and I'm sure she would have been joining her peers for food, games, presents etc. the other kids were probably well into their games, why would everyone need to stop, re organise groups and then start again because your rocked up late? You owe the hostess and bday girl an apology., YTA - the parents likely were very involved in hosting a party and probably didn’t catch that a child was by themselves. Why didn’t you simply ask? I think it’s silly to assume these parents intended this to happen. \n\nIf you send an email it won’t do anything besides likely put your child on a do-not-invite list. Parents talk and they’ll hear of the parent who just stood there/didn’t say anything, left early, and then sent a hostile email., Maybe be on time? Could have avoided the entire issue., esh. You were late and the hostess had to oversee 17 kiddos. Sometimes bad things happen when we're late., Clearly, this was a mistake in the planning. This, though, is an example of an email that should be a face to face discussion. In a face to face you can ask "what happened" in a friendly, calm tone which offers a better chance of preserving the relationship. An email sounds like prelude to a lawsuit. YTA., Maybe next time don't be one of the last to arrive. It doesn't sound like it was malicious but that you all just happened to be one of the last ones to get there., YWTA- It sounds like it was an oversight on the part of the hostess because it was so busy. And the male stranger was a bone head dad who was more interested in spending his time there bowling then worrying about the kids. If he had been paying attention he would have realized there was kid alone and said something about it., YTA, Your feelings on your daughter playing with an older man you didn't know is just that yours, not anyone else's responsibilty. \n\nNow onto the activities most reasonable people understand that these are paid for timed events primarily managed by the venue and not the parents "running" the party. \n\nWhile I understand you believe the parents should have worked harder to accommodate your child, what did you actually expect them to do? Kick a child who was on time off the game they were on time/prepared with shoes and ball to play? Hold the whole party until your daughter arrived and gathered her stuff?\n\nThink of this outside of bowling if this was lazer tag and you showed up 5 minutes late all the kids would Literally already be playing and unable to add a child into an even matched game. What if this was mini golf, would you be mad if you daughter played 2 holes behind everyone else?\n\nI understand being late its your entitlement over everyone else's not accommodating you that makes no sense. Please dont teach your child that being late means others should wait on you., ESH. I can see why you were upset by the plane set up, it does naturally exclude your daughter. But you should have spoken up right then politely to host mom., I don't think you would be an AH, but you would be wasting your time. It sounds like you want to send the email because you are angry at the host. That won't change anything for your daughter at this point. What do you expect will happen? She will apologize and all will be well? That she won't apologize and you will be even angrier? This is going nowhere. \n\nFocus on your daughter. I know it hurts to see your daughter disrespected, but the disrespectful host is going to remain who she is. Rise above it and show your daughter how to rise above. Karma will take care of the rest., YWBTA to send it now. It is over. I do think the hostess was rude or clueless, not sure which but that still does not lend to doing anything else, you left, you explained why, the hostess tried to fix it before you left but the damage was done and the day was over. Let it go., NTA, YWBTA, with a soft ESH.\n\n\n1. You created this situation. If you showed up on time to begin with, your daughter wouldn't have been left behind. You left the host with the decision to either put a pause on the whole party (which is already on a time limit) to restart everything and accommodate your daughter, or isolate her. \n\n\n2. The host seemed in over her head. 21 girls is a LOT for a bowling party and the lane division makes no sense. She clearly had no idea what she was doing and bit off more than she could chew, but there is nothing to be done in the moment. Yes it would've been nice if she did more to accommodate your daughter, but again, you made things harder on the host than they already were. \n\n\n3. The man in the lane should've spoken up. I find it beyond weird that he was okay with playing alone with a random child. I would've spoken up immediately, no matter who I was or what affiliation I had with the host/party. Odd that he didn't. \n\n\n4. Sending an email does nothing. The host likely knows she fucked up and either doesn't care or will take it as a lesson and have a more manageable party next time. You will not accomplish anything except piss her off and likely get your daughter excluded from future parties. We all learned a lesson here, time to let it go. , YWBTA. I’ve hosted huge birthday parties like this (never again!) and you’re expecting too much of the parent in charge of many children that she doesn’t know. Between managing personalities of ~20 small children, trying to stay in front of personal conflicts that can pop up at parties (Emma bumped me! Susie said something mean!), managing any food allergies, making sure that kids who say they’re going to the bathroom are actually in the bathroom and not running amok, etc etc, the host does not have time to make sure that every kid is happy about the lane they were assigned to. \n\nAlso, the fact that you showed up late likely threw a wrench in dividing the kids between the lanes. I’m willing to bet that if you had showed up on time, none of this would’ve been an issue., YTA if you send the email. You made it perfectly clear why you were leaving at the party. Your daughter also told them why she wanted to leave. You guys did a great job of communicating the problem and your feelings already. An email would be aggressive and unnecessary at this point., INFO: Why didn't Annie talk to her friends in the other lanes while waiting for her turn? This is what we always did while bowling at parties with friends for parties/gym/whatever. It's not like this is league play, after all. I think you might need to have a conversation asking her why she didn't feel comfortable chatting with them in-between rounds, because that is a skill she can work on for the future., This is why class Birthday parties are a bad idea. If Annie had "friends" they would have noticed something before she was already gone. YTA for showing up late. YWBTA if you start complaining via text. There were several ways to work this out at the time, but walking out probably just makes it weirder at school now, Can i go with everyone is TA, except the kids. You for being late, hostess for excluding your daughter, you again for not speaking up for your daughter, hostess again for not caring, and you again for having her leave instead of going to go join her friends., Did the birthday girl's parents contact you to ask why you/Annie left early? If so, then NTA. If they didn't , YWBTA. At that point, all you're doing is complaining to make yourself feel better., What I think might have happened was that the hostess was very distracted by all of the chaos, and might have booked the three lanes but gotten overwhelmed by all of the kids wanting to be together on lanes with their friends. So maybe either the hostess’s husband or brother was the “strange adult male” who decided that because there was still an entire other lane reserved, he would sign himself up to bowl there in case of any late arrivals, hence why the “kid 1, kid 2 etc. Communication with men is hard enough during social events, and when you add in 14 screaming girls it becomes impossible! I think he was just trying to make sure that lane was getting used (lane 3) and using the excuse that he could add in more people as they arrived.\nThe OP mistakenly assumed a that a complete stranger had taken over and obviously had never met him before, and men can be completely clueless when sports are involved, so he didn’t bother to introduce himself to the Mom, even though he was connected to the party. \nHonestly based on the Mom’s behaviour, she has been stepping in on social cues for some time now and intervening on behalf of Annie, so Annie has never seen how to get right in there and play with the other kids. She instead has learned to hang back and wait until her mother facilitates things for her. This mom needs to show her daughter that events like this are not as much about getting a chance to have a turn bowling, but that if she goes and sits in with the other kids she can have fun at the birthday party by just waiting until she gets a turn in five minutes. The\npoo t of these things is to teach your kid how to bond with other kids and form friendships, and nothing to do with her kid getting a turn or the “fairness” of how she thinks her kid was treated.\nThe mom is the one separating her daughter and modeling suspicion and isolation. Why not sit back and let your child decide how to handle these situations instead? The only way kids can grow is by learning behaviour by doing it!, Shrug it off, tell Annie to do the same. Not everything is about any of us at any given time. You def WBTA if you ever mention this to Dana or anyone. As a woman who has endured the horrors of herding cats aka their kids birthday parties, the last thing anyone wants or needs is an over reaction-from anyone. Curious, do you have a job? I was asking be this seems kinda helicopteriish, Ywbta. You were late. Did you even contact the mom to let her know you were running late? The party was already underway by time you got there and got your child through the line. Kids had already been assigned lanes and were bowling. Furthermore a solution was offered by other parents to have her sub in with another kid but you declined. You already told other people why you were leaving. What exactly do you hope to accomplish by sending an email? Kids parties are chaotic. Don’t contribute to the chaos by being late and expecting things to be rearranged for your daughter. , You should have found the hostess and talked to her before you left. If she had reserved 3 lanes, she should have used them. You also could have taken up the other parent's offer to let Annie play in their lanes. All you had to do was go get her. But since you didn't, you should call the hostess and explain. In the meantime, you taught Annie to not speak up for herself and let her be excluded. I have a feeling this happens often with her. You need to teach her coping skills. Instead you rewarded her for bailing out., Leave it alone. You have nothing to gain as the party is over. All you are doing is whining.\n\nNext time, don't worry about your daughter bowling as much as hanging out with her friends. At some point, they'll all figure it out., Did you tell Dana that Annie was by herself, and that there was an adult already using the lane? Did you ask her if she needed help to divide the girls more evenly? Or did you just throw your hands up in the air?\n\nYou should have used your words at the time to find a solution before Annie got so disillusioned she walked out.\n\nYou were TA then for not actively trying to sort it out. And you would be the AH now to harangue and blame Dana when she may not have been aware of the extent of the problem and likely had her hands full with what was going on. so YWBTA, Wasn't there an RSVP? All the parties my son has been invited to, there's an RSVP so they know who's coming. If I'm running late, I text the host so they know I'm on the way. That way they can accommodate my child and he isn't left out. I wouldn't send an email, but use this as a learning lesson. Next time arrive early, and if you can't at least be on time, then notify the host so your child doesn't get left out., YTA. For arriving late. For not speaking to the parents running the bday first. For not encouraging your daughter to go play with her friends.\n\nThe hostess was trying to coral a birthday party of 21, 9 year old girls. She probably didn't even notice that your daughter got put on the wrong lane., I'll also add that if there were "kid 1 2 3" listed, they prob were expecting more kids and thought they'd show up but didn't. Yes it could've been handled differently but an email is not appropriate. YOR. Learn from this for future parties., The unfairness strikes me that the OP’s daughter arrived late BUT so did the other kid. Meanwhile the other kid got included into existing lanes. Sure both of them could’ve arrived on time, but RSVPs would’ve told the host who to input everybody’s name in advance into the machines…And so if OP‘s daughters name was in the machine and not there yet….somebody could’ve bowled in her place when her turn came up—until she got there. What I’m saying is the 2 late girls could have been included from the beginning., First, terribly sorry your daughter was made to feel such the outsider at what should have been a happy event. This hostess clearly had no idea how to organize a party. Bowling parties are one of the easiest to have for a large crowd! I don't feel an email after the fact will help, but could potentially hurt your daughters relationship with the birthday girl. If the mother was this disorganized and didn't care who knows what she may say or do after an email reminding her how she mistreated a child at her own event. Asking her to add your daughter to one of the other lanes was the best thing you could have done. If there wasn't room then the dense hostess should have realized that she had made a mistake and fixed it. Yes hosting can be a lot and even stressful at times. But if you cant handle it then you don't do it, especially when it involves children., Show up late. Make one half hearted attempt to solve the problem. Then leave. Come on now. Be a better advocate for your daughter and help her navigate these kinds of situations. YTA., I’ve hosted a party of that many kids at a bowling alley and despite me breaking up the groups evenly and thoughtfully (kids with someone they knew/got along with, etc.) on the sheets, the staff still made up their own lane assignments by filling one completely before starting on the next lane, resulting in an overflow lane of only a few kids. That part of it could have been out of the hostess’ hands and with everything else she had going on (with limited timing and everything moving so quickly) was probably not top of mind, but an easy fix if you communicated with her before walking out., The mom is a grade A asshole. I don’t understand people excusing her because they were a lot of kids. If you can’t manage a party with that many kids, then don’t have a party with that many kids. The group should’ve been split up evenly into the three lanes, even if adjustments had to be made after the initial setup. There’s no excuse for behaviors that will cause a child to feel excluded and alone at a birthday party., I don’t agree that the adult in charge couldn’t have foreseen this and planned for it. Once you get the rsvps you divide people up evenly, either randomly or to ensure that the personalities don’t clash. NTA, As someone who is always late, it’s easy to feel left out. Perhaps they already started the games and would divide it equally for the next game? The moms’ did try to rectify the situation with solutions as well. Do not send that email it will only get worse., ESH. The party host for not dividing the girls more evenly among the lanes, which could have been done ahead of time, and you for getting there late, leaving the party before the situation could be fixed, and thinking about sending an email to the party host about why you left early. The other parents probably told the host why you left the party early. Neither you nor the party host handled this well., No. Do not send the email. The host handled the party poorly. You handled it just right. Your daughter will get over it and will move on with her friends. Bday parties can be stressful especially at that age. Bowling parties are really the worst. Not conducive to group cohesion. Forget it and move on., You're not an AH, but you could have handled it better. If it were my child, I would have talked to the bday girl's mom right away and suggest some alternatives because clearly, it was not acceptable for your daughter to bowl by herself with a strange adult man. However, nothing can be done about it at this point. Is the bday girl a close friend of your daughter's or just a classmate? What does your daughter want you to do? If you start a whole big brouhaha over this, it could be embarrassing for your daughter and it could ruin her friendship with the bday girl. At this point, I'd leave it alone. I'd also talk to your daughter about learning to stand up for herself and how to assert herself. The fact that she kept saying that nothing could be changed because she was assigned to Lane 3 tells me that she is someone who obeys orders, even if they are wrong. She must learn to speak up politely but firmly when there is an injustice, whether it is happening to her... or someone else., This is why young adults today can’t seem to handle any sort of conflict or solve any of their own issues today. She is 9 years old and this would have been a great opportunity for you to teach her to communicate her feelings of being left out to her friends. Instead you taught her if she doesn’t like something to go ahead and just bail on it. You would absolutely be the asshole to send the parent an email now. But you would be a good parent if you encouraged your daughter to talk to her friends about leaving because she felt left out., An email isn’t going to help. The hostess already knows by now. It clear you want to defend your kid and somehow make it right but an email won’t do that. The moment has passed, but you can talk to your daughter about her feelings and what she can do next time. Being bold and brave to say what she wants and needs., ...] | 645 | 7343 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j2hp1b/wibta_if_i_send_an_email_to_the_bday_girls_mom/ | 2025-03-03 07:36:28 | 2025-03-03 11:51:12 | 33 | 38 | 41 | 1 | 15 | 7 | 6 |
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| 6 | AITA for demanding that my fiancé's parents change their plans to have a vacation at the same place as our honeymoon? | My fiance and I have our wedding coming up in April. We had brainstormed for a while on where best to spend our honeymoon. We went over the more popular and well-known places but then landed on a more offbeat destination that I felt would truly be a great place for us to start our life as a married couple. I've been looking forward to it just being the two of us. I l know he has a really hectic work schedule and we were going to make the most out of this.\n\nA couple of days ago he told me that his parents had been impressed by how hyped I was about it and were planning on going there for a vacation too, largely overlapping with our dates. They're staying at the same hotel as us. \n\nI was livid. They can go any other time, why now. He said he had suggested that but his mom said they had taken time off for the wedding too, and it worked well into their plans. Also, that since we're going to be going back it'll allow them to maybe see us a few times before we leave. I was almost in tears I was so angry, he tried to reassure me saying they had promised it'll be two separate things and they won't be inserting themselves in our honeymoon, they want us to enjoy it, and they'd be doing their own thing. I want to believe it but I know his mom, I like her as a soon-to-be MIL but she can be very clingy and routinely laments how far he (and now us) are from them so I just have a feeling the two plans are not going to be as independent as he thinks they'll be.\n\nI vented about it to my parents too, my mom agreed with me that this isn't right, my dad is more on the fence about it, he doesn't think everything is ruined. I've demanded my fiance make them change their plans, he says he asked them to, they promised to do their own thing, what can he do tell them he doesn't believe them and call them liars? I messed up here and said if that's what it takes, he got quiet, I realized that was too much and sincerely apologized for crossing the line. This has been eating me up, I was envisioning a certain type of honeymoon and this happened. AITA?\n\nUpdate: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/V2TFP742kf | Not the A-hole | [NTA. I would personally change the hotel, or the dates, or both, or stay at a different hotel the dates they're going to be there. Also - a no cell phone policy, so they can't get ahold of you. But to be honest, this is a husband problem and not an in-law problem. He should have shut her down point blank at even the suggestion of going to your honeymoon destination at the same time., NTA\n\nAs much as it sucks the only way to truly secure an IL FREE honeymoon would be to cancel your plans and go somewhere else. Not ideal, but there’s NOOOOOO WAY you’re not going to ‘accidentally bump into them’ the whole time they’re there, NTA. This is truly manipulative of your IL's. Your husband doesn't see this and that's a concern. \n\nYour IL's absolutely intentionally did this and you will see them more than you want to and they will insert themselves into your honeymoon. This is just gross and narcissistic of them.\n\nYou can change your own plans - go to a different place, or just not marry a guy who's a pushover to his parents., >Also, that since we're going to be going back it'll allow them to maybe see us a few times before we leave.\n\nNTA. It's clear that the reason they booked the place is to spend time with you while you are on your honeymoon., NTA. \nYour MIL is absolutely inserting herself into your honeymoon, and your fiancé is being way too passive about it. She saw how excited you were and decided to crash what is supposed to be an intimate and once-in-a-lifetime trip. “We’ll do our own thing” is meaningless when she’s already ignored a major boundary just to be close to her son. Your fiancé needs to wake up and realize that this isn’t just an inconvenience, it’s controlling and inappropriate. He can do something about it: he can tell them point-blank that this is unacceptable, and if they don’t change their plans you two will. Honestly, you might want to start looking at new destinations now, because if she’s this clingy, I’d bet she’ll be finding ways to “accidentally” run into you the whole trip.\n\nYou really need to think what this means for your life ahead and if your fiance will be this passive about her inserting herself into other aspects of your lives., >…he tried to reassure me saying they had promised it’ll be two separate things and they won’t be inserting themselves in our honeymoon… \n \nBullshit. \n \nYou know these people. Your fears are valid and justified. Here’s what you do: Tell your MIL that it was such a great idea, you convinced your parents to take their vacation there at the same time and how they’d just love to spend quality time with them. See how quickly your MIL’s mood changes. \n \nNTA, My grand mother, uncle and aunt did this to my mum when she was married in 1968 and she still hasn’t forgotten it. She’s unhappy that she didn’t have a spine back then., My friend’s (the bride) parents decided to surprise the newlyweds by showing up on their honeymoon in the south of France. The marriage was over by the time they returned to the US. This is your hill to die on. Your guy needs to tell them they are absolutely not coming, or you change your plans and make sure they cannot have access to the new location, or you have to decide whether to call off this marriage. And yes, it’s that serious an issue., NTA. But you only have two options here. Accept that they will be a part of your honeymoon, or cancel your current plans and try to rebook somewhere else. This is your future MIL’s way to assert her dominance. And if you or your finance allow it this time, it’s going to set up a precedent. Future MIL is already contradicting herself. She says it will allow her to see you guys a few times before you go back, but she also says it’s 2 separate things. FMIL says she wants you to enjoy your honeymoon, but is going knowing that’s not what you want. Please stand your ground with both FMIL and finance. This is one of those times where he either has your back or he has his mommy’s back. He can’t have both., This is weird as hell. I have 4 sons, one is getting married soon, two others are already married. I can't imagine doing this, it's creepy AF.\n\nI would insist they change their plans. You do realize if he doesn't stand up to them, this will continue into your marriage, right?, Tell him he can go with his parents and you’ll go somewhere else for your honeymoon. This is a problem he needs to address properly - he’s failing to do that. NTA, NTA- But I would suggest you change your dates for the honeymoon. I guarantee you they will want to have dinner a few times or do something together. Made the mistake of not minding my soon to be mil tagging along on a vacation with me & fiancé, never again. Like your mil she can be clingy & would not let us have a moment alone., NTA. Congrats you’re marrying a pushover who will never make you a priority in his life. I hope you have cancellation insurance. Tell your fiancé to cancel the honeymoon plans and book somewhere else far away or there will be no wedding. Your in-laws suck., NTA. You aren't overreacting. You're under reacting. Make it clear to your fiance that he can not marry you and go on a honeymoon with his parents or he can get married and go with you, his wife. This will only continue to escalate unless you set boundaries now. , Hey MIL, how is the grapefruit? \n\nI just wanted to report that your son came in me twice last night! And then again this morning before we joined you for breakfast. Isn’t that exciting!!! \n\nWait, you don’t want to hear about our sex life?\n\nThen why did you hijack our honeymoon?, NTA\n\nThey will insert themselves in your honeymoon.\n\nBut you can't control what other people do, so you go to your travel agency and explain the situation, they have seen this happen before and will help you and you go somewhere else.\n\nGo to this particular place next year. \n\nAnd tell your husband to keep quiet about the new destination, Based on everything I’ve seen on Reddit about overbearing and abusive mother in laws, I would just call off the wedding now. Your marriage is doomed. Your fiance will never stand up for you against his mommy. And she will interfere constantly, even with the smallest things., EXTREME INFO DIET for now on. The In-laws only find out about your vacation plans when you get back and show them the pics.\n\nSame thing when you start having kids. EXTREME INFO DIET on all pregnancy details, dates, hospitals, and for God's sake, DO NOT DISCUSS BABY NAMES UNTIL AFTER BIRTH and the certificate is signed.\n\nIf DH gives and pushback, remind him of the honeymoon. They don't need to know any details until after events, if they pull shit like this.\n\nCome on, there was the whole WORLD they could have gone to, and it just so happens they pick your honeymoon hotel? Does Mil also want to sleep in your suite with her son?, NTA. I would not marry this man unless he either:\n\n1) asks his parents to cancel or reschedule the trip, and makes it clear to them that if they don’t, you won’t be spending any time with them and it will greatly adversely effect the relationship going forward (LC/NC)\n\n2) encourages you to move the trip to another destination (I know this sucks, but you can’t actually stop his mother from being there)\n\nIf he’s not willing to stand up to his mother now, he never will. Better to find out now before it’s too late. Also good to agree that going forward, you won’t share details with his parents., Is it possible to change the honeymoon to your second choice and Surprise your now husband on the way to the airport?, This is one of those things it's best to find out before the wedding and not a year or so in. He was quiet because you called him on his BS. You should have a sit-down down conversation about boundaries regarding MIL. Couples therapy might help. Would post-pone the wedding until you see changes in the positive or the negative and go from there. NTA., This is very white lotus season 1 coded so only okay if his mom is Molly Shannon, NTA. Change your honeymoon plans your in-laws (I suspect your MIL mainly) purposefully did this and plan on spending as much time with you two as possible. This totally sucks and I’m so sorry she’s trying to join you in your honeymoon. I hope you show all these comments to your fiancé, NTA. If they are willing to drop in on your honeymoon, just imagine how much they will overstep into your marriage. They’ll end up buying a house next door, or coming to “visit” but for months at a time. You need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé because if he won’t stand up to them for this, he won’t stand up to them for anything else either., Every time you see them, say to your new hubby “ let’s go babe I’m really needing some of that sweet dick “, Nta until the very end. Husband tried but his parents are going to do what they want, they don’t care about his opinion any more than yours. But you both should leave them to it and pick a totally different, secret (to them) location. Go there for your anniversary (also a secret). There are a million amazing places in the world. Pick another one where you can actually be alone, away from people you know, like normal honeymooners. Drop the issue with them. Let her do her thing, he tried, let yourself make another choice. This will only ruin things if you let it.\nHusband better be prepared to grow a spine. She doesn’t get an “emergency” key to your place. You may want to literally move across the country- it’s saved many a marriage. You don’t tell her when you go into labor until you are ready to see family. You don’t tell her things or send her pictures you don’t want shared immediately., NTA\nIt is so weird that the ILs would want to muscle in on your honeymoon. \n\nWhen my spouse and I were planning our honeymoon, I was worried his mother would want to join us, so we were purposefully vague about where (and when) our honeymoon would be., NTA. Your fiancé needs to tell his parents not to come. He wants to spend his honeymoon with his parents?!? Are you sure you still want to marry him? You need to see this for the big red flag that it is🚩🚩🚩, NTA, except to yourself if you marry him. He's ALWAYS going to choose his mom over you, and he's proving that by caving on your honeymoon. Chances are your MIL planned this as a way to get you to cancel the wedding because she doesn't want to lose her baby to you., If you allow this, imagine the rest of your life with this family! Absolutely NTA, Change your destination 😅. Or at least tell fiance you want to change it. See what happens.\n\n\nAlso, clingy or not, he appears to love his parents. So am not surprised he was hurt by what you said., NTA. If your fiancé rolls over on this it’s a BAD sign for the marriage., NTA MIL knows what she’s doing. If they don’t cancel their pans, consider blocking them when you get there! And avoid them like the plague. If you need to communicate bc hubby doesn’t wanna ghost them, make sure he makes it clear that regardless of their coming or not, you WILL be COMPLETELY unreachable. I’m honestly interested in MIL’s response. That’ll be telling of her true intentions. Bc this isn’t a happy coincidence with their time off. They could’ve gone ANYWHERE else., As I told my ex when she tried to plan to go to Europe at the same time our daughter was going on her first young adventure (just her and her immediate friend group, no "grown ups" \[they're all 20-22\]) that if she wanted to ensure our daughter went even lower contact than she already is with her this was the way to do it. Fortunately my ex actually listened to me (That's my first miracle towards sainthood 🤣🤣) and didn't go.\n\nYou are one million percent NTA for this and only very mildly for your expression of displeasure that you feel crossed the line... even that was completely understandable. \n\nWhile it sucks every way from Sunday, can you change your dates at all to be not there at the same time as them (and ensure hubby doesn't tell them about the change) and not lose money on it?, NTA - if they get away with this and get to insert themselves into your honeymoon it will never end. \nThey will believe they can constantly insert themselves into your entire lives. \nNow is the time to draw a line. \nTell them you’ve changed your honeymoon and see what they do. \nIf they ask where you’re going don’t tell them. , Why are you getting married to this man? If he can't even start the marriage putting you first, you will always be last. I would decline becoming a thruple and call it all off. He isn't ready for big boy life yet., Sit down with your fiancé at a table, and ask him to put his phone in the middle of the table. Take off your engagement ring and put it beside the phone. Point to the phone and tell him that he must use it now to call his parents to tell them that their crashing of your honeymoon is creepy and inappropriate, and if they don’t immediately cancel their plans, they will never see him or you again and will never meet any future children you may have. His other option is to take back the ring, because the wedding is cancelled. He can have half an hour to make up his mind. Then walk away and come back in half an hour and find out what the future holds for you. Oh, and you’re definitely NTA, NTA\n\nTell him that only one married couple from the family will be going there at that time., You are NTA and at this point the best thing for you to do is to reschedule your honeymoon or change your destination. \n\nCan you do that without losing a large amount of money?, NTA.\n\nMake nomenclature work for you here. Each and every time this comes up, they are not "having a vacation." They are *crashing your honeymoon.*\n\nThey are not "taking advantage of a convenient time." They are *crashing your honeymoon.*\n\n"Oh, you made it sound so nice!" *"Don't put this on me. It never occured to me that you would think it was OK to* **crash our honeymoon.** *Who even does that?****"***\n\n"You are really making us feel unwelcome!" *"Mom, you cannot seriously think we don't love you just because* ***You. Want. To. Crash. Our. Honeymoon.*** *You also know that this is something that is completely outside the realm of normal behavior. Please do not do this."*\n\nI wouldn't pay a huge amount of attention to posters who are urging you to throw your husband-to-be into the outer darkness. He probably does need a few taps with a clue-by-four but most spouses have some turmoil setting boundaries, and it's almost kind of good that they first see the steely glint in your eye over something this obvious and this stupid., I think you should tell the parents you fiancé doesn't know but you switched your honeymoon to Hawaii or a cruise. Something like that. Watch them change their plans., Your soon to be husband needs to learn to set some boundaries, otherwise you’re in for continual boundary crossing from soon to be MIL. \nYou might have a fiancé problem if he doesn’t start being more clear/assertive with his parents. \n\nIt’s wildly inappropriate of them to book their vacation at the same place on the same dates/mostly same dates. \n\nNTA., Change your plans & don’t tell anybody, As a husband I would support my wife's decision to cancel and go for our anniversary instead, and choose another honeymoon location....maybe the Il's house., NTA. It’s obviously a boundary violation. You are correct in your assertion that it won’t be your own special thing. You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do. I would recommend booking a different hotel if they choose to stay at the one you originally booked for yourself. And I would tell them, “I’m excited about family vacations in the future. At this time, it is important to me that my partner and I begin our marriage with our honeymoon reserved just for us. I’m thrilled to see everyone leading up to and at the wedding, and our honeymoon will be a time just for us to recalibrate, so we will likely book an alternative hotel and plan on seeing you when we get back.” Or something like that., Not overreacting. It's simple either they cancel their plans or you cancel ALL of your plans. Honeymoon, wedding, marriage, etc. If he won't stop that behavior now he won't once you're married. She WILL be overly involved, controlling, etc. You will be married to her not your husband., As someone who's been married 20+ years & has kids, this is unacceptable. Let your fiance read this thread & if he STILL doesn't see this as a problem, or thinks you're blowing it out of proportion, you better take a good hard look at whether or not you want to marry him because this will be your life. \n\nStart as you intend to go on OP., NTA. I would try to switch to a different resort. The same parent company often has multiple choices in the same area. The other thing is to tell the concierge when you get there to book them as far away from you as possible. You can also register under a fake name so they can’t leave messages nor ask for you. Ignore all attempts at contact during the honeymoon, but you need to trust your husband to not respond. \n\nIf you want to be extra petty, at the wedding have your guests go up to them and ask if they’re really following the bride and groom on their honeymoon and then respond “Wow!” and “Oh, I thought it was some horrible joke.” Shame and embarrass MIL into never pulling a stunt like this again. , NTA. \n\nBut as other's have said: this is a taste of your future if your Mummy's Boy partner can't grow a backbone and tell his parents to reschedule their holiday. \n\nCheck out the r/justnoMIL sub if you don't believe me. Remember: it's easier to leave a mummy's boy than divorce one., Honestly, I love my ILs, so much that we even considered living with my MIL (she's now a widow). We now instead live not even 200 meters apart (she wanted her pregnancy, but living close by is also convenient if anything happens or if she needs help now that she's getting older). \n\nBut if MIL would ever try something like this, I'm quite sure I'd have a hard time still loving her. That's beyond intrusive. \n\nYou're not crazy, you're not overreacting. They could have planned to go anywhere else and could have chosen to go at this same place another time. But they didn't. And the comment "it'll allow them to maybe see us a few times before we leave" clearly shows the intent there. Then promising they'll do their own things contradict that, so yes, they are liars and should be called out on it. They clearly want to intrude on your honeymoon. \n\nThe lack of respect for boundaries is mind blowing, and your husband is now the worst problem in my opinion: he's putting his parents' feelings before yours, by a long way, even when they act unreasonably. \n\nNTA of course. I'd just refuse to go to this not-honeymoon. It's a hill to die on if you don't want it to be your married life, it only gets worse especially if children come into the equation. You can always do a honeymoon at a later time, one year later or more. It's not practical for hubby? Well too bad, he should stand up to his parents then., You should have said a lot more. My MIL tried to do this. When she told me it’ll be her own thing, I said “ It better be because if I see you on MY honeymoon I’m going to skin you alive and you’ll be taking your son down with you.” She asked me if I was ok and I just said “I’m not joking. If you want your son’s first marriage to end in less than a month go for it. Heaven knows you don’t take marriage seriously, so I don’t think you’ll care.” \n\nShe cancelled her trip and gave us money for a “fun holiday” IT WAS OUR HONEYMOON. \n\nI would say a lot more is all I’m saying. I’d get person. Go full psycho. That’s always my go to., NTA and rather than blow up nuclear style, I would tell absolutely everyone,quietly, that your in laws decided to join you on your honeymoon, how upsetting it is and there's *nothing you can do*. Eventually someone will call them out or tell them why they are being frosted, and shame them Into cancelling., If it goes ahead you need to set crystal clear boundaries. You will not be meeting up for breakfast or anything of the sort. If you choose to interact with them it will be on the last day for an evening meal before you return home. You will have a playbook all ready to counter any attempt to insert themselves into your schedule. You will also have him research the area and be ready to move hotels if necessary. Make sure he knows that you are not playing with your honeymoon and if moving hotels is what it takes to give each other undivided attention, so be it. That’s what honeymoons are for…so you can give each other your undivided attention. Not for MIL to keep tabs on you. What a crappy thing to have to deal with on such a special occasion., There is a 0% chance that I would get on that flight to go on that honeymoon vacation.\n\nYou do not have an in-laws problem. You have a fiancé problem he has shown you exactly what it is going to be like moving forward; I suggest that you believe him., 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩, I get that it’s upsetting and completely disturbing. How they don’t see how they are over stepping, crossing boundaries and starting y’all married life off on the wrong foot, is beyond me. \n\nThat being said, you have two options. See your fiancé for the weakling he is for not putting his foot down and making them change the dates or cancel the vacation, then realize this may be a recurring issue in your marriage. OR just pick another damn location! \n\nAllowing them to upset you, if you won’t approach them yourself, is such a waste of time. This world is vast. It seems you’re choosing to be more focused on being able to say you want to someplace rare and unique. Instead of being happy you can be with the man you love and just married., NTA reschedule your dates or at least the hotel, Can you change your plans and have your honeymoon at a different location without telling his parents? \n\nWho goes on their kid’s honeymoon with them???, NTA. Your honeymoon should be just the two of you, not a family trip. Even if they *promise* to give you space, you know his mom is clingy. Your fiancé needs to take this seriously—setting boundaries now is important. If he won’t push back, you might want to change your own plans to avoid the stress., NTA. I suggest letting his mommy have him., NTA. You're being treated like the crazy person. Let me assure you, you're not. This is enmeshment and emotional inc**st. Normal moms do not want to go on their son's honeymoon. That gave me the ick to write that out. People don’t invite themselves to other people’s honeymoons. If your stb husband can't see it and doesn't support you, you may have a bigger problem on your hands. This is where you get to draw your boundaries and be prepared for the worst. MIL's like this only get worse from here friend., Tell him if his parents go on your guys’ honeymoon and won’t change their plan you’ll change your wedding date to never :), You aren't being dramatic. This is absolutely enough to call the whole wedding off. Your fiancé is a mummys boy and your MIL is overbearing. You said yourself she controls how far away you both are. This needs nipping in the bud NOW!! If you don't, this will be your life forever. You need to sit down with your fiancé and make it crystal clear that if he doesn't put boundaries in place THERE WON'T BE A WEDDING!! Once that's resolved, you need to change your destination. You don't tell them you've changed your destination and you don't let anyone know where it is. Any other time you go on holiday etc or make any sort of plans, you tell them nothing!! They will soon learn. But this is so much hard work. I wouldn't even be marrying into this family. He's probably a nice guy, but his parents come as part of a package deal. Fuck that. Absolutely NTA. , I've got to say, if your future husband is this wishy washy now, just wait until you have kids and your MIL is trying to run your life. He's not going to stick up for you. \n\nWho in their right minds would think to vacation at the same place as your honeymooning son outside of a destination wedding? That's an intimate time. \n\nUnfortunately you're going to need to change your plans or you're going to be partying with the in-laws, miserable the whole time... Or rethink the whole marriage thing because it's only going to get worse with the MIL since your soon-to-be husband (or ex) doesn't have a backbone to set boundaries., NTA. Either they cancel, you should. His parents should do the right thing and go somewhere else. Not appropriate at all., NTA, can you book a different hotel and not tell them?, Delay your trip a week. Don’t tell them., NTA. You can’t force anyone to do anything so I highly doubt his parents are going to cancel their plans but you have options. You can also call the hotel and tell them you want a room as far away from his parents as possible. You can also put the room under a different name in case mil tries to get a room right next to you. You can change hotels or even tell his parents you changed your honeymoon to somewhere else and when the time comes see if that changes anything for you. That’s all I got. Try not to let this ruin your wedding and congratulations!, Either change the plans. Or go and tell hubby that he is to make it clear that they cannot come visit. They can't piggy back unless YOU BOTH invite them to piggy back on a date or whatever. And you won't be sharing where are you will be visiting or what room number you will be having. You 4 will be strangers there. \n\nThat way you either make MIL lose interest or prove you are right., NTA \n\nIf you can get your money back, I'd cancel and pick some other hotel or place and not tell her., NTA.\n\nPlease change your destination. Or we'll be finding your next post in Just No MiL., NTA. You won’t really be able to enjoy your honeymoon because you’ll be constantly looking over your shoulder to see if your in-laws have appeared, NTA. I would absolutely change my plans and not tell them the new location. But your fiancé is going to have an issue with that., NTA. I would be changing the location of your honeymoon and surprising your fiance with the change at the airport. His reaction will be telling., Anyone gonna throw out JNMIL? There’s literal subreddits that are about this, highly recommend reading some. \nNTA, start setting boundaries NOW!, NTA but this is an obvious power move and your only play is to cancel your current plans and schedule elsewhere. You cannot control other people and now you know you cannot share information with MIL. \n\nThis is your out. Personally, I would take it. Life is too short for a man who won’t stand up for me., NTA - can you change your hotel? Don’t engage with them any further on plans for your honeymoon, Absolutely CHANGE your honeymoon destination and make sure your soon-to-be husband does NOT tell his parents until after y'all are already there! They will DEFINITELY be calling him once they realize that they haven't seen y'all after a few days of being there. Or, they will want to just "go for breakfast or dinner while y'all are in the same place to spend a little time together". But if you & husband aren't there, then they can't interlope on your honeymoon., NTA...just get annulled or better yet walk away now. If he thinks this is reason it will only get worse , NTA. You don’t go on a honeymoon with your parents, period. If that’s what fiance wants, let his parents have him and call off this wedding., Change the location, at the very least the hotel. It's too late now, but it's best to keep that kind of information private. Never tell anyone your plans unless you don't mind intrusions. I hope everything works out for you., NTA - establish boundaries NOW. otherwise this will be a pattern. You need to let your husband know that you all are a family now and that should be his priority., NTA. You’re not overreacting. In no way is it normal or appropriate for them to plan this, and your fiancé needs to stop being a child if he wants to be a husband. For your future sanity, this needs to be a line in the sand for him and his parents. If nothing else, show them these comments. Ask your fiancé if mommy & daddy will still plan to go to the same destination, the same hotel, you’ve planned for your honeymoon (!) when you dump him and take the trip with your maid of honor., NTA Is the hotel all-inclusive? If so you’re going to be stuck having dinner with them every night because “you can’t expect them to pay for dinner elsewhere when it’s free at the hotel.” What do you plan on doing every day? The hotel may offer tours and they will only have so many options each day. Again, “oops we got the same tour as you.” Does the hotel have a private beach? Again…”where else are they supposed to go.” \n\nI would suggest a couple things. Switch hotels if you can. Does the resort have a sister hotel that is an upgrade? Do the upgrade and don’t tell them. Then if they ask say it was a free upgrade because you’re on your honeymoon. The upgraded hotel will be very protective about not letting lower paying guests on the property. About tours… skip them. Rent a car instead. Day tours are overly expensive and you can usually drive to the same spots and pay less. You are more in control of time and can avoid them better if they do show up. \n\nFrom your description it sounds like he did try to talk sense into his mom she’s just over bearing and honestly he really can’t control where they go. What he can do is set boundaries. Discuss with him what those are! Will you have dinner with them one night? Two? More? None? If they show up to the same place will he leave with you? Have an agreement set between the two of you ahead of time of how to handle running in to them. This will let you know if he is on your side of how to handle them or just a mommas boy who will perpetually ask you to help him keep his mom happy at your expense. \n\nAn overbearing and difficult MIL is not a dealbreaker as long as he puts you first. My grandma was a JustNoMIL. We all learned it’s pointless to reason with her so she just got lots of lies about what we were doing or where we were going. My parents were a team about how to deal with her. He told you she needs to be on an information diet. You know that now. Ask him how he wants to handle her in the future and be open to how he wants you to approach her too. If his answer is to let her walk all over you then rethink the marriage., Wow one of your answers was concerning. You are marrying a momma’s boy. You sure you want someone who will always pick his mom over you? He's putting it all on you, NTA; If you marry this guy, this is your future. Run, don't walk., If he can't say a firm NO to his mother about this, then beware, this is your future. She will override every decision you make. She will always be there running your life. What happens when you have kids? This is about WAY more than the honeymoon. \n\nNTA - think long and hard about what you want your future to look like., Just walk away if you see them. Pretend they do not exist. See what hubby says then. This seems like a disaster waiting to happen. If your stb-hubby doesn’t see the wrong in this situation, just imagine how your marriage will be with interfering in-laws. NTA, "It will allow them to maybe see us a few times ... " and "promised it'll be two separate things and they won't be inserting themselves" do not say the same thing.\n\nYour ILs are already planning to see you a few times on the honeymoon, and only said they would be separate trips when pushed. Their "few times" will very easily turn into daily calls, meals, or activities.\n\nNo. Just ... no., NTA - he tells them that they prove they’ve cancelled their holiday or they aren’t welcome at the wedding. It’s that simple, Go through with the ceremony, reception, and honeymoon. Tell fiance that you will sign the marriage certificate when you get back; but only if you do not see or hear from his parents for the entire honeymoon. \n\nIf you meet them on the honeymoon: 1. Don't sign and be free. Or 2. Lose control of your life to MIL., Just be all over him whenever MIL is arround. Like, ALL over him. Its your honeymoon and she wants grandchildren right?\n\nBut yes, its messed up and weird., NTA but you really have to get your fiancé to grow a spine if you want this relationship to work. He clearly has trouble dealing with his parents and it wint get easier after marriage. You guys have to work together tk create boundaries., Sounds like Season One of The White Lotus. NTA., NTA. Your mil is going to be a nightmare of a mil, NTA wtf is wrong with this family? They didn't ask you guys and just booked the same hotel? \nHow is your husband ok with that shit?, NTA. Go with your gut - this is a major power play by your future MIL.\n\nAnyone with a brain knows that it is tacky and rude to intentionally vacation at the same place as a newlywed couple. A honeymoon is about the newlyweds and bonding during their new marriage, not about anyone else.\n\nDo not let her take your honeymoon from you. Your fiancé needs to confront them and explain that neither of you want to see them on your honeymoon at all. They need to change their dates or destination, and if they won't, you will.\n\nAnother option is to change your dates, but do NOT tell anyone outside of whomever is handling your travel arrangements., Drop the location, this is a seasoned bunch. I guarantee someone here knows a similar or likely better place for your honeymoon. You’re not the asshole in the slightest, no one wants to even think about their in laws on their honeymoon., Thai man does not have your back. Speak to your fiancé. Tell him that you expect your honeymoon to be about the 2 of you. You will not be spending ANY time with his parents. Zilch. Zero. Zip. The minute they intrude, you’re leaving and filing for divorce. Or, you could proffer an annulment. Get it in writing and take a video, so that WHEN it happens, you’ll remind him that way. I know you love him, but this would be my hill to die on. A honeymoon is for the newly married couple, not the couple and his parents. His parents will be inserting themselves into every aspect of your life. Is that what you want?, These are the types of red flags that should make you consider whether you should be marrying that family, ...] | 1838 | 7219 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1iz6qer/aita_for_demanding_that_my_fiancés_parents_change/ | 2025-02-26 22:44:39 | 2025-02-28 20:42:43 | 1 | 0 | 106 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 4 |
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| 7 | AITA for refusing to go to my sisters wedding after finding out only our side of the family were having to pay to attend? | Obligatory "this is a throwaway account" clarification - I'm very active in a D&D sub that I don't particularly want it to tied to this situation. \n\nSo my younger sister (Katie 28F) and her partner (Chris 29M) are getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this - so the wedding is happening over 4 days. Theres 70 guests but they they want us (me, my husband, and parents) to stay in the same hotel with them along with her bridesmaids (which I am MOH) and groomsmen - the hotel is pretty lux so with flights is costing us just over £2900 each. \n\nChris’ family are also staying in the hotel which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew. \n\nThey are well off - I don’t know exactly how much they earn combined but I know Katie is on 88k and she is the lower earner. But about 6 months ago Chris and Katie came to us and asked to borrow 17k more. They stressed it would be a loan paid over time and said the venue had increased the price, Dubai law was different blah blah blah - they paid this money or they lost the lot - we believe them and I offered to loan 7k and my parents the other 10k.\n\nSo long story short - I have since found out through someone else that the 17k wasn’t for the venue - it was for Chris’ family to fly over there. They saw how much it was going to be, didn’t want to pay and refused to go. I asked Katie and she confirmed so my first question was if they were paying for his parents why not pay for ours? (I would never expect them to pay for me - even if we couldn’t afford it, I’d have wished them well and stayed at home). And her answer was “because they can afford it”. She got very defensive and said this was the fairest way she could think of doing it, it’s hard enough planning a wedding etc - but when I asked, if you genuinely thought this was the fairest way to do it, why did you lie about what the 17k was for and say it was a venue issue? She couldn’t answer. \n\nMy parents are aware and are very disappointed they lied - but have said they’re still attending - but I have backed out. To me it feels like my parents are being taken advantage - and if they couldn’t afford to pay for both our and Chris’ parents and his brothers and nephew then they shouldn’t have just paid for the 4 parents or no one at all. And they especially shouldn’t have lied about it. \n\nKatie and Chris keep calling and asking me to attend, saying I’m making them feel bad and ruining their day. But the whole thing just feels… icky to me. \n\nI’m genuinely and open book so be brutal - am I being an AH here? Should I just suck it up and go? \n\nEdit*** - Crumbs that's a lot of comments haha - thanks so much everyone. Just wanted to answer a couple of questions/comments that have come up a lot. \n\n1) the repayment - my husbands brother is a solicitor and he kindly drew up a contract and repayment plan for both myself and my parents so the money will be paid off within 12 months of the wedding. If they don't stick to this I have access to a free solicitor haha. I hope it wouldn't come to that - but that's why I have the papers for worst case scenario. \n\n2) asking for the 7K back - Imight be a soft touch, but asking for this back feels like a step too far. Like I'm mad as hell but not enough to actively try ruin their wedding a few weeks before which it feels like (right now at least) is what that would be doing. But hey - give me a few more days to stew. \n\nEdit 2*** \n\nThanks again for all the feedback everyone. Just another quick FYI - a few people have asked about Chris' family or seem to have the impression they're well off. \n\nI'm obviously not privy to their financial situation, but what the limited amount I do know from what Katie has said Chris and his family gree up very poor. Before all this I'd always though Chris was a lovely guy but I had caught him in the odd but harmless white lie (things like where he went to school, the type\nOf house he grew up in, etc). I get the impression he is embarrassed or resentful of his upbringing giving their lack of money and this is how he now values his own self worth - by his much money he has. \n\nMy guess is when his family said they couldn't go he panicked and worried people who ask why they weren't there and he would either have to say they couldn't afford it or he couldn't afford to pay for them. And look his past trauma/experience is not for me to judge - but if that were the case it just makes me more mad that they both didn't plan ahead and talk to friends/family about what they could afford BEFORE booking Dubai. If it was such a dealbreaker for his family to be there they should have factored in the cost of paying for all parents to attend instead of thrusting a 3k per person bill at them and expecting them to rock up. \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n | Not the A-hole | [NTA: yet one of the many reasons I dislike destination weddings... they're the penultimate egocentric events, Wait a second. Not only are they not paying for your parents, they're having your parents pay for his? That's like a double whammy.\n\n\n\n\nI don't know if you should go or not. Your choice will have a long lasting impact on your relationship with your sister. Only you can decide if that is worth salvaging., Please tell us you got that 7k loan in writing. You know they're going to claim a was a gift, especially after you "saved" so much money by not attending., NTA. It was wrong of the to lie about what the loan was for. I have to ask, besides the loan, who is paying for this elaborate wedding?, NTA\n\n> I’m making them feel bad \n\nGood! They deserve to understand that being selfish and shady comes with consequences.\n\n> ruining their day\n\nNope. They did that to themselves.\n\n---\n\nThis is exactly why expensive destination wedding suck. When you plan one, you need to know that people may choose not to spend all that money.\n\nBe aware, that this will affect your relationship with your sister going forward. You are both going to end up resenting each other.\n\nI still wouldn't go unless your sister apologizes. A real one., NTA. Not only did the two of them lie to you and your family, but they are setting up an unhealthy dynamic for both families' relationships going into the future. Honestly, if she is willing to lie about this now, what else will she lie about to you all in the future about, especially when dealing with her in-laws, or at the request of her husband?\n\nYour sister and her fiancee *should* feel bad - they pulled a con job on you and your family, and they have shown no contrition about it - they only say that *you* are making *them* feel bad. Not that they recognize that they did anything wrong., I wouldn’t go either. That’s some major BS. They lied about why they needed the money, and now they’re basically saying “our family is more important than yours.” It’s incredibly disrespectful to you and your parents. If they can afford to fly his whole family out, they can afford to pay for yours too. Don’t let them guilt you into going. You’re not ruining their day, they are., NTA. Most rich people stay rich because they know how to get things for free...., NTA\n\nDid you tell your sister you want your money back, now?, NTA: I can't blame them for paying for other family who might not be able to afford it. I can however blame them for lying about what the money was for. \nIf they had come to you and your parents and explained the groom really wanted family there but they couldn't afford it and asked for a loan to cover them, that would have been fine. But the lying is not okay., NTA. They lied, they basically got you and your parents to subsidize her future in laws' trip. I would not go, but that's me. There is nothing "fair" about paying for her in laws but not her own family., NTA. I can’t imagine doing this to my family. You’re sister is really slimey and shockingly dishonest, I mean, as a woman, I wouldn’t be attending because they are holding the wedding in a country that hates and brutalizes women. I can’t even imagine a less romantic destination for a wedding., Why would any woman agree to go to Dubai, let alone get married there?, NTA. I would take a similar stand against the lie they told you and your parents. They essentially extorted money from you under false pretenses, to subsidize her in-law’s travel. That’s not right and it sets a terrible tone for the start of the marriage. \n\nYour sister wants something she can’t afford-a big, splashy Dubai wedding with all the family present. But it’s on other people’s dime, at least mostly. That’s just bad. \n\nYour option is to ask for your money back and not attend, or to attend begrudgingly. I understand why your parents are going, and yet she lied to them, too. You don’t have to go.\n\nWill you be sad if you don’t go? I think she’ll be sorry. But she could have had a more modest wedding with all the family present, and no money issues. She made a big mistake.\n\nEDIT after reading yours: I now see that you have a repayment plan in place, so no need to ask for money back. \n\nAnd the “white lies” your soon-to-be-BIL has told, along with this latest lie, are very bad signs. Not harmless. They signal unresolved trauma or shame that will undoubtably drive other bad claims and actions, unless he can get honest. I think your sister should have chosen a small nearby venue and a modest service and reception. Then more family could attend all events., NTA. As a destination wedding hater, I think you should always be able to pass on a destination wedding invitation due to the cost of travel and lodging, not to mention if you have to request extra days off from work because of the multi day celebration and what could be several days of travel all the way to Dubai. Assuming you all live in the UK, is 88K really enough of a salary to justify an extravagant destination wedding? Apparently not if they were asking for 17k on loan. I understand people like hosting weddings in Dubai because the cost can be lower than a similar event in western countries, but I always question if it’s really worth it when your guests will have to pay for expensive flight tickets, hotels, and maybe even an outfit or multiple outfits for the event. Personally, unless I am in the wedding party as a bridesmaid or something, I would definitely grumble if I end up spending more than $500 to attend a wedding. Also what is the point of having such an extravagant event for less than 70 people? Might as well spend half the money on an extravagant photo shoot closer to home. It is totally unreasonable to invite people to an event that requires so much time and money, and then complain that they reallllyyy want you there. If they really wanted you there they would make it easier on you by covering or subsidizing the cost or just by not having a destination wedding! People should only have destination weddings if they are inviting a very small group and will cover most travel costs, or if they don’t care if literally no one comes their wedding, NTA. I would expect they are using you to fund their hotel as well since you are all required to stay at the same venue. Bottom line is you should have the wedding you can afford. Lying to get money is a very bad look., I can’t even with this. They aren’t owed an extravagant destination wedding. Having one comes with consequences. Expecting people to spend $3k PER PERSON to attend their wedding is just beyond the pale. \n\nThen to decide for themselves what’s “fair” and then LIE to get what they want ….\n\nYour sister is a piece of work. I wouldn’t go. \n\nNTA., They lied mislead but they one hell of a team putting his family first whilst she betrayed her own. You can see how that relationship going to go and your parents will be forever used for money, NTA. They lied. They are treating his family differently, and you paid for it. You may regret not going., This is indeed icky. \n\nOn so many levels.\n\nThe lying. Them paying for Chris’s parents by borrowing money from family members who are also expected to pay their own way. \n\nAnd now the guilt tripping that they’ve been caught out. \n\nYou aren’t ruining their day. They did that all on their own. But now they expect you to play nice and go along with their shit stain of a plan. , >Chris keep calling and asking me to attend, saying I’m making them feel bad\n\nThey should feel bad. They did something shitty to your parents and you., NTA your poor parents, that was a cold and disgusting thing to do. They deserve to feel bad, keep doing it. Don't go and don't trust them ever again, Don’t go. An invitation is a request, not a summons. It’s ridiculous to splash out on a wedding you can’t afford. And then lie to your parents and you to squeeze more money for this folly? That deception is cruel and unforgivable in my opinion. Your sister & her fiancé are major AHs. And so what if your sister pouts and tries to guilt you into going.\n\nTell her you’ll attend her next wedding. . ., Your sister is an ass for having the destination wedding.\nMore so by borrowing money under false pretenses. If you were willing to pay your own way, then you should go. Don't hold it against the other side for being more sensible than yours.\n\nOn the other hand, destination weddings are always optional so NTA if you decide not to attend., NTA she effectively stole from you. , NTA. Schemin' SOBs... _**Sooo**_, more importantly, u/one_change4503, what's the repayment plan for those 7000 buckaroos? \n\nTell me it's under 1 year. Also tell me there's AH interest attached., NTA.\nIf their choice was fair and unproblematic they wouldn't have lied about why they wanted the money.\n\n100% agree with not attending., NTA\n\nThey knew what they were asking was wrong or they wouldn’t have lied. \n\nOn top of that you keep saying they’re paying for his family, they aren’t. You and your parents are paying for his family. They can’t afford it and have put their dream wedding ahead of the financial needs of their family. If it’s so important for everyone to be present they should have adjusted their expectations for their “dream” and changed locations. Either that or accept that not everyone will be in attendance at their first choice location., OP, I can *definitely* understand why this feels icky! Stay away, and seriously consider why you should even give a gift. \n\nThe whole thing stinks of audacity, greed, and scam. Maybe give yourself a spa day, instead, Even at a bill of almost 3k per person, the 17k doesn’t add up. How many people have you and your parents been scammed into subsidising?, If they lied about so much already why wouldn't they lie about repayment plan no need to spend above the amount of your loan when you seriously might not get it back NTA not going is your only sane moral choice, bet his parents are cheep with wedding gift because hes certainly not the golden child, NTA, they can go do one. Sorry but how can they justify you all paying that money for his family to come but, it’s okay for them to say if didn’t want to pay that. Should have paid for a link for them to watch and go their merry way. Do not give in and go, Nta. You already spent enough money on what you thought to be their venue, you don't need to throw down more money just to find out that your whole family are seated at the back of the room. Point out that they lied and committed fraud against their own family in their own greediness and favouritism of the groom's family. Why would you go to an event for people who have used you and shown you that level of disrespect? Also, I'd state that I want a payback plan laid out for these loans within a month. You also expect payments when they receive their pay checks, to both you and your parents, after 2 or 3 months. \n\nShe used you and your parents to make her look better to his parents. There would've been room for talk if they were honest. It's up to you on what you do. I won't just "suck it up", personally. I'd either stay home, go on the trip but don't attend the wedding, only attend the fun part of the wedding and leave when you want, or go and be petty. For the last, just play it innocently. Say how Chris has went over how much financial issues that his family has and that you are happy that your parents and you were able to provide the 17k loan to make sure that his family could attend. You would hate for any family to miss such a big event and it's hard when you don't have savings., NTA\n\nIf they wanted a destination wedding, they needed to be able to pay for it and pay for their parents to attend as a common courtesy. If you're asking older family members to be there, you make that as easy for them as possible (flights & accom)\n\nIf you can't afford it - don't do it. \n\nI'm sorry they used you and your parents. It's tacky AF. I'm glad you are holding them to account., NTA\n\n*You’re* not making them feel bad, they feel bad because they know they have acted extremely badly towards your family. They say they are not paying for your parents because they can afford it, but Chris’ parents can afford it and they’re paying for *them*. \n\nWhat they’ve done here is actually really outrageous and incredibly duplicitous and disrespectful. They conned you and your parents out of large sums of money. They knew what they were doing was wrong, which is why they lied about it. Putting it back on you now is just further insult. \n\nThey need to recognise that you refusing to go is actually the least harmful thing you can do by way of protest; you could have gone public with the whole thing and caused an absolute nightmare for them. This situation is entirely on them and they know it too. I wouldn’t want to go either after being lied to and conned. Still attending after all this amounts to condoning their behaviour., NTA I know you're worried about this causing a separation between you and your sister, but from an outsider perspective, she's already created that separation. She chose to lie to you about why she needed the money, which you wouldn't have given if she was honest. She is choosing to have a destination wedding when people can't or won't attend due to cost. And now she's guilt tripping you when she's caught in the lies. You had a destination wedding that took your guests' budgets in mind and were willing to change plans if your most important people couldn't be there. When she was faced with the same dilemma, she didn't choose to change plans. She chose to lie and manipulate you and your parents. She's already broken your trust and created a devide. She should have thought of this possibility beforehand, but she didn't. Now, she is dealing with the consequences of her actions and choices. You not attending is a consequence of her lies and deceit. If your absence "ruins her day," she has no one to blame but herself., NTA. I understand that your sister dreamed of an elaborate wedding but all this drama is the result. I hope it’s worth it to her. Also she knows she’s in the wrong, that’s why your actions make her feel bad., NTA. Tell her you need the $7k back immediately if you are to attend., NTA, they chose the location and borrowed money that you and your parents could have used to fly over to pay for his side of the family. This is on them and when did they promise to repay the money? I can tell you right now you aren't going to see any of it., Wow an OP with a backbone?\n\nNTA., Holy NTA Batman! \n\nYou shouldn't go, and you should charge them interest on the money you let them borrow., NTA. If they feel bad, then that's completely justified. Nothing is fair about the way you're treated. Fuck them. I'm assuming you no longer support this union because of the stunt they pulled? Because if so, you _definitely_ have no business there., NTA. And I hate people who decide what some people can afford. 🙄, NTA I mean getting married in Dubai when you don't live there screams "I don't have gay friends and I highkey hate them if I do" to begin with, but lying to your family to do this? Extremely gross., NTA. She lied to you to borrow money. Your parents as well. This isn’t simply not paying for them. This is having them pay for the other side. That’s not inherently wrong but when you lie about it, it most definitely is. If your parents want to forgive her and move on, that’s fine they’re allowed, but you do not have to, and you can certainly take your own time in deciding this., She borrowed money for your parents to pay for his parents… and lied. That is so low., > Chris and his family get yo very poor.\n\nThen why the * are they getting married in Dubai?\n\nNTA, NTA\n\nThey should have planned better for all involved or been prepared for people to not come. If they needed money they shouldn't have lied\n\n!updateme, NTA - tell them that you will need that 7k back so you can afford to go., Updateme, NTA- you don’t throw yourself an extravagant destination wedding if you aren’t SURE that your guests can afford to go, ESPECIALLY, the parents of the bride and groom. I mean, that’s honestly very thoughtless. Chris, who is very much ‘new money’ should have objected the minute the idea was floated, but I assume he didn’t want to look poor or was just bedazzled by his lovely bride…?\n\nThe lie, you and your sister will have to talk more about and settle, AFTER the wedding. Impress upon her the importance of respecting where her husband’s family is coming from, and that she needs to MEET THEM WHERE THEY ARE, financially, and not continue this extravagant lifestyle business which will ultimately serve only to alienate his family from the new little family she is creating. \n\nThe loan, I hope to God they really pay back. \n\nThe wedding… I don’t think you should miss. It seems like you would have said yes if you had known the truth about why they needed the money, so don’t miss the wedding. It’s possible the lie wasn’t meant to deceive you, so much as it was intended to protect his parents from shame…? That should have been foremost in her mind from the very beginning., ESH, you're not paying for them, it's a loan. They should have been honest but in the end, it's actually the couples money and your opinion about how they spend it is moot. \n\nYes, just paying for the parents would be smarter but if they're well off and insisting on not coming because they don't want to pay, they're probably kind of shitty., Let me get this straight.\n\n* Your sister decided to have a big fancy expensive destination wedding that everyone else was going to have to spend a lot of money to attend.\n* The groom's family (5 people) couldn't afford it and weren't going to go. So\n* Your sister and fiancé borrowed money from you to pay the groom's family's travel expenses.\n* She lied about what it was for. Maybe you and your parents would have agreed if she'd told you what it was for, or maybe you would have told her to stop being silly, and have a big fancy wedding at home and go on a big fancy honeymoon in Dubai for 10% of the cost, without beggaring her friends and family. But she wanted to do it her way SO MUCH that she dug in, and lied.\n* You have a reasonable expectation that you and your parents will get the money back.\n\nThe AHs here are obviously your sister and her fiancé. They have behaved very badly. They should apologize and at some point I hope they will.\n\nBut, you know, it's done. Do you like your sister? Is she the sort of person who gets overenthusiastic and can't stop herself? I wouldn't ever lend her money again, but you might as well go to the wedding., If you are still close to your sister, suck it up and go. If she didn't lie and weren't paying for her in-laws, you'd still be going on your dime. If money is tight, maybe your husband stays home and you and your parents stay at a less expensive hotel., ESH. They shouldn’t have lied to you, it’s very bizarre that his family wouldn’t go regardless of cost, and you’d still suck for not going.\n\nYou have them legally on the hook for repaying you, is this a hill you want to die on? 7k that you’re likely to get back anyways is worth permanent damage with your sister and BIL?\n\nThey suck, you’d suck too., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nObligatory "this is a throwaway account" clarification - I'm very active in a D&D sub that I don't particularly want it to tied to this situation. \n\nSo my younger sister (Katie 28F) and her partner (Chris 29M) are getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this - so the wedding is happening over 4 days. Theres 70 guests but they they want us (me, my husband, and parents) to stay in the same hotel with them along with her bridesmaids (which I am MOH) and groomsmen - the hotel is pretty lux so with flights is costing us just over £2900 each. \n\nChris’ family are also staying in the hotel which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew. \n\nThey are well off - I don’t know exactly how much they earn combined but I know Katie is on 88k and she is the lower earner. But about 6 months ago Chris and Katie came to us and asked to borrow 17k more. They stressed it would be a loan paid over time and said the venue had increased the price, Dubai law was different blah blah blah - they paid this money or they lost the lot - we believe them and I offered to loan 7k and my parents the other 10k.\n\nSo long story short - I have since found out through someone else that the 17k wasn’t for the venue - it was for Chris’ family to fly over there. They saw how much it was going to be, didn’t want to pay and refused to go. I asked Katie and she confirmed so my first question was if they were paying for his parents why not pay for ours? (I would never expect them to pay for me - even if we couldn’t afford it, I’d have wished them well and stayed at home). And her answer was “because they can afford it”. She got very defensive and said this was the fairest way she could think of doing it, it’s hard enough planning a wedding etc - but when I asked, if you genuinely thought this was the fairest way to do it, why did you lie about what the 17k was for and say it was a venue issue? She couldn’t answer. \n\nMy parents are aware and are very disappointed they lied - but have said they’re still attending - but I have backed out. To me it feels like my parents are being taken advantage - and if they couldn’t afford to pay for both our and Chris’ parents and his brothers and nephew then they shouldn’t have just paid for the 4 parents or no one at all. And they especially shouldn’t have lied about it. \n\nKatie and Chris keep calling and asking me to attend, saying I’m making them feel bad and ruining their day. But the whole thing just feels… icky to me. \n\nI’m genuinely and open book so be brutal - am I being an AH here? Should I just suck it up and go? \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, NTA OP you’re not the asshole and neither is your opinion… your sister and her fiance on the other hand are major assholes for borrowing money and then lying about what it’s for., I hope those of you who made those loans had the common sense to get paperwork filled out stating how much was loaned, and a time period for that loan to be paid back, or you're never seeing that money again, NTA, but Chris and Katie are. They took advantage of you and your parents. They lied to you all and it is insulting that they wanted his parents and family there so badly that they ashamed their way into the money by taking it from you and your parents., NTA, and I would be reevaluating how your family is treated vs. future-in-law family. I'd be concerned that one family might be considered "lesser than" the other - that's no way to start, or maintain, a marriage., Your sister could get married in the backyard and not cost anybody anything. It’s selfish to have a wedding so far away., Demand immediate repayment, refuse to speak to them until that occurs, and sue them if they don’t repay. Don’t go and I’d consider the relationship over. \n\nNTA, NTA, they shouldn't have planned such an elaborate and expensive wedding if they couldn't afford it and if the guests couldn't attend. They were wrong to lie to you like that as well., Disgusting behaviour from your sister... I... am torn as to what you should do... the "right" thing to do is to not attend. The "nice" thing to do is attend.... id do something in the middle... id attend so as not to upset the wedding... be nice and don't bring up the issues... after the wedding id go full no contact.. forget the 7 grand.. that can be their wedding present... and then id not talk to them.. and if they push it .. have everything written down clearly all the points in which what they did was wrong.. lying and playing favourites.... shocking carryon, I know a couple who flew the bride's immediate family from Australia to England for the wedding. Her family couldn't afford it and the couple were extremely wealthy. That said, they did it discretely and the wedding was in England because that's where the couple and their children lived and the groom's entire family as well. It sounds like your sister wants to "keep up with the Joneses" and be seen to be living a lavish lifestyle, and from what you've said her fiance seems to be just as bad with his white lies. I think you are right to politely put a line in the sand and say you don't want to support them to live a lifestyle they can't afford and that they lie about. NTA., YTA. I think you should still go. The loan is a loan, was it under false pretenses? yes, but it sounds like you’ll get your money back (or take them to court over it, lol). You’re putting your parents in a shit position if you don’t go and you may lose your sister too. This is a once in a lifetime event. If it’s already paid for and arranged, just go. And is likely to be a fantastic trip. At the end of the day, what they do with their money, or who they pay for, is not your business. It’s their money now. Think of it as a gift, once it’s given it’s not yours and they can do what they want with it. Did your sister and fiancée plan poorly and borrow money under false pretenses? Yes to both, but it’s already done. Enjoy the wedding and what sounds like a great vacay. Don’t abandon your parents. Just don’t loan them money in the future. I understand why you’re mad and aggravated but don’t let it ruin things. Enjoy the trip!, NTA and what in the actual hell? So your sister lied (committed fraud at that level) and you’re supposed to just say “Ok! It’s cool to lie, steal, and act like the victim. I’ll reward that behavior by spending more money to watch a couple of lying assholes enjoy the fruits of MY LABORS”. Oh hell no! I’d be DEMANDING my money back and cutting them off until they properly apologize and admit their lies to anyone that tries to give you shit. Wow! Just wow babes! NTA., You should only have a wedding you can afford (tho I don't think paying tens of thousands for a wedding is justifiable..) and you CERTAINLY should not expect family and guests to pay to attend., NTAH! Personally, I'd be pissed off! If they lied to me because they wanted to save HIS FAMILY from being embarrassed, then they definitely should've kept the wedding somewhere that was affordable for everyone! Since you lent them the money BASED OFF A LIE you should get the money back! If you think it would ruin their day, then at least someone thought it would! Sounds like there was plenty of time to save up for the travel and hotel costs. I'd cancel my tickets and hotel reservations and ask them to either record the ceremony or use Zoom to watch it FROM HOME! Your financial responsibility is already enough just for you and your family without handing out extra for his side of the family. I ABSOLUTELY HATE being lied to and that alone would justify getting the money back, false pretence of the situation., Extremely EXTREMELY soft YTA. Looking at your last edit, it seems like the groom's family couldn't attend without their trip being paid for. They may also not have the means to pay back a loan from the bride and groom for the trip. Which means that yes, the bride and groom suck because they didn't plan ahead. It also doesn't excuse the bride lying about the purpose of the funds. She lied to avoid exactly what is happening now - feelings being hurt, people boycotting the wedding, embarrassment on the groom's side over their financial situation. You asked for judgment on your own behavior, though. Ultimately, it is the bride and groom gifting his family with the free trip. They are paying you back, so you're not actually spending any additional money you weren't already planning on spending. How your sister and her husband choose to spend their own money is up to them. I think skipping the wedding is the wrong option. She's your sister. You're obviously important to her if you were going to be her MOH. Skipping will hurt your relationship forever. Even if she forgives you for not going, it will still have lasting effects. Really, why wouldn't you go? You sound a bit jealous because you're paying to go, and they're not. If you didn't know they were getting comped, would you be going? Your sister and BIL are showing his family compassion. I think your sister deserves some empathy. Go to the wedding and have a good time., NTA.\nBut, have a good long talk with her. Or even her and her fiance. Make it clear that they fucked up, and that you will protect her as a sibling, but you nor your parents will be taken advantage of again. \n\nPersonally, I'd still go to the wedding. But I understand not wanting to go... it's difficult to not be petty. You're angry, disappointed, resentful, all the bad stuff. \n\nBut think long term... so many people have broken relationships with friends and family, because they dig their heels in. Then poof, 10.. 20.. 30 years goes by. Possibly losing what may have been wonderful years with her, her husband, maybe kids, and so on., INFO\n\nIf she had been honest about it (fully honest, like, actually explaining that his family was povo), what would your feelings have been? Would you have been open to giving a loan to them to allow them to pay for his family, knowing their circumstances? Would you have been happier having the loan agreement between his family and yours? I personally would have, that seems most fair, but in that case I'd probably be nice enough to do no interest. \n\nIf yes, to the second question, be mad, but still go. If not, that's complicated., It seems my opinion differs from most, but I encourage you to consider this perspective.\n\nKatie and Chris covering only his side makes sense if they can’t afford more, and only his side of the family can't afford themselves. Life isn’t fair, and financial differences make this a practical choice. Helping his family doesn’t mean they have to pay for you as well. It’s important to look beyond fairness and see the financial reality.\n\nThat said, they were dishonest about the loan. Chris might have been sensitive about it, but their real reason seems to be that they didn’t think you’d lend them the money, which sucks. That’s the real issue, and it makes them A-holes.\n\nIf you’re skipping the wedding just because they won’t pay for you, that makes you an A-hole too. If it’s about the lie, you’re justified. But since you’re more focused on fairness in your post, it seems like that’s not the case. So just go, and address the issue with her after the wedding.\n\nSeparately, this wedding seems completely irresponsible. Taking on debt just to make it happen is a bad decision. A "dream wedding" isn’t a real dream. It’s likely Katie pushed for it, and knowing Chris’ family couldn’t afford to attend, this was the only way to get him on board. They’re sacrificing their savings for this one event, which is a huge mistake IMO., I'm going to give you some tough love which I'm not seeing in these comments.\n\nYTA. His family aren't refusing to attend, they can't afford to. YOU are refusing to attend.\n\nI come from a family like Chris', our parents sacrificed a lot and my siblings & I have done well as a consequence. \n\nI'm making an assumption it's your sisters dream wedding and Chris is balancing that with his family's situation. \n\nYou are using a very childlike view of fairness where everyone is treated the same. Not everyone is the same so that isn't "fair". You and your parents can clearly afford to attend AND loan out thousands. The couple shouldn't subsidise your attendance. His family can't afford the hotel or ticket, so if the couple want them there they need to pay for it.\n\nYour sister shouldn't have lied, but given your reaction I'm not surprised they were too embarrassed/ashamed to be honest about the situation.\n\nIf it helps you cool down, reframe your thinking like this: because the couple are paying for the grooms family out their own money they have a shortfall in budget for the venue. Your loan helps bridge that gap. It's a loan not a subsidy. \n\nYou are going to damage your relationship with your sister forever, but its not too late to apologise and put this behind you. Have an open and honest conversation about why you felt the way you did, but you need to apologise., ESH. \nThis 17k is not a gift, this is a loan. You and your parents will receive it back. So, you or your parents do not pay for his parents. Instead, you are helping out them from a trouble they got into because of theor own mistake.\n\nThey are definitely ah-s for lying to you and your parents.\n\nYou should take part on the wedding, they did not mean any harm to you or your parents., NTA - It sounds like you're less annoyed about the money (although you have every right to be because that is an outrageous amount), but more the principle and deliberate manipulation/guilt tripping that your sister and BIL used to get it. You hit the nail right on the head when you called her out though. You're were correct that, if she truly believed she was doing the 'right' thing or that it was a good justification, then why would she feel the need to lie? She's probably worried that, once the other guests find out why you're not there, that it will paint her in a bad light. If you get a chance to have a calm talk with her, just explain that it's not about the money specifically but more so how she deliberately deceived you and your parents in order to get it. You got conned basically., You are NTA. But isn’t it bad luck to begin a marriage with LIES?, YTA. You value money more than your family.\n\nYes, they should have not lied. If they even lied. The venue issue and flying the family over are not necessarily mutually exclusive. You know, budget is a whole. There is no your parents money and other money. All the money is their money. The money is not benchmarked. \n\nBut it's pretty obvious that all their "well off" money is tied to this wedding. And flying the groom's family there was part of the expenses that you are not really privy to. It's their wedding, not yours. If you cannot afford to go, then don't go. But don't leave yourself out of it because you don't agree with their wedding planning.\n\nAs the 17k is a loan, it's their money to use as they will. You have no say over what the money is spent on as long as they pay you back., ESH\n\nShe shouldn’t have lied about why she needed the money but also, you don’t get a say on what the money is spent on. \n\nI think it’s very kind of them to pay for his family to attend. Obviously you and your parents could afford it and they could not. I don’t think they have to be “fair” about whose tickets they pay for. \n\nThey suck for lying to you and your parents and for having a wedding without thinking of the expenses for other people. They do not suck for fixing it and being kind. \n\nYou suck for refusing to attend the wedding just because you don’t think their generosity was fair. You agreed to loan them the money, had papers drawn up and you are now cancelling the plans and leaving her without her sister and maid of honour because you disagree with how she helped her future in-laws. \n\nYou even have some insight into your future BIL being sensitive about growing up “poor”. \n\nYou all kinda suck but you suck more. She did what she did for kindness. You are not attending for spite. \n\nI hope you reconsider, NTA do you wanna go to the wedding and now you have seen Katie and Chris’s true colors. What you need to do is set a repayment schedule for that loan and when it’s going to be repaid, don’t just accept overtime or you’ll never see the money., NTA, I had a destination wedding, however just my husband and I went. We had a reception when we came back. Solves all the issues, NTA. Your sister lied to you and, therefore, stole from you. End of story., ESH. \n\nLying about what the loan was for was obviously not great, but I think people are blowing it out of proportion. The fact that it is a loan, and they even went through the trouble of getting it in writing, makes it much different than a handout. You are not really paying for his family (unless they don’t pay the loan back), they are.\n\nThis is family, and it seems like you have a good relationship with her. Not going is a decision you can never take back, and I think the likelihood of irreparable damage to your relationship is decently high. There is a good chance you will regret not going in the future, and, I think, only a very small chance you will regret going.\n\nTalk to her, explain how upset you are, and then go to the wedding and be with your family. If they don’t pay you back, that’s a bridge to cross in the future., Not attending her wedding will drive a wedge between you and her forever. Go to the wedding and be the good guy, and raise hell if she doesn't pay it back. Tell her to take birth control until she does, because you don't accept having a baby as an excuse to not pay you back., NTA. More than likely, his family will be told that their son and future DIL paid for their tickets. \n\nYou could decide to go, and mention to his parents that if they need help, you can refer them to some charities to help with bills and food banks. If they act indignant, tell them that since you and your parents had to pay for their airfare, you thought they needed financial assistance. That would be petty AF.\n\nThis would probably nuke your relationship with your sister, so proceed with caution., NTA. If I were in your shoes I would still go and casually let it slip to the family that you are the reason they get to be there. Over the 4 days enjoy yourself on a vacation that happens to include the wedding. You could also be super petty and make her sign a loan document for the 17k or whatever the total amount they borrowed before you agree to go., NTA Holy heck is this awful and gross. To lie like that for such a large sum of money....They should be seriously ashamed of themselves. Good on you for backing out. I sure hope you see that money back but I highly doubt you or your parents will. Don't attend. They ruined things, not you. Eh, yuck. What a way to lose a family member and start your marriage off based on lies. \n\nI wonder what the over/under is on how long they'll stay married., I despise destination weddings. They’re selfish and I wouldn’t ever attend one. You’re most definitely NTA., YTA\n\nClearly his side doesn't have the money to attend. They want them to come. They made up a reason for the loan to my guess avoid embarrassing his family AND to avoid this bullshit. Were they wrong to lie? Yes, but I can see why they did. You are blowing this way out of proportion., If they took out a loan and are going to repay it then YTA. It doesn't matter what they do with the money. That is their business only. You and your parents did not pay for the other family. You gave a loan. If you don't want to go because of duplicity then that is justified., YTA. Everyone seems to be missing the point that your sister and her husband are paying for his family, not you! Yes they borrowed the money but have drawn up a legal contract and payment plan. \n\nYes they lied about what the money was for, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a loan and THEY are paying for his family to attend. She probably lied because this is how you react if they told you what it is for. \n\nYou would absolutely be the asshole if you torpedo your relationship over this. And impact their day they’ve spent years saving for., After reading the edits, YTA. Should they have told the truth about why they were using the money? Yes. But, you said yourself that you and your side of the family were in a comfortable enough position to pay for yourselves, and then go into how his family is poor and the only reason you could come up with as to why he would pay for his family to come to his wedding is because he's embarrassed of his family's low income. What about the possibility that he wants his family there for his big day? It sounds like Chris is insecure about his past and current financial situation for a good reason. You say he seems resentful for how he grew up. Has your side of the family made comments? With how you wrote edit number 2, it sure sounds like you guys might have., You wouldn't be the AH, but do you really want to miss the event or is this just the anger talking? \n\nDo you want to have permanently missed the event for a temporary feeling? \n\nWhat happens to your relationship after this? \n\nCan you ever get your relationship back to where you are if you miss the wedding, or will it be irretrievably broken? \n\nThese are all questions I would ask myself before deciding. Your sister and her fiance have behaved abysmally, but not attending feels like an "I'll show them!" without thinking about what future you can live with; it's a reaction rather than a response. Hopefully, just telling them how disgusted and disappointed with them you are will get the point across, just please be careful of doing further damage., National, NTA- that’s tacky and entitled AF to make other people pay for someone else, Nta, she lied to get money out of you., NTA. Ask for your $7,000 back. File in small claims if they don’t pay you back., NTA, they should feel bad. Their actions, and lies, are all on themselves., NTA, ...] | 650 | 6656 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j0lkc4/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_sisters_wedding/ | 2025-02-28 18:31:16 | 2025-02-28 20:44:38 | 10 | 0 | 192 | 0 | 6 | 0 | 3 |
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| 8 | AITA for calling out my foster carer in front of my social worker?? | I (17f) have lived in my current foster home for a little over a year. I immediately got bad vibes on the foster carer on the first day. I don’t know she just gave me off energy though that could’ve just been me being judgemental.\nThere is another girl who’s been living in the same foster home for about 5 to 6 years before me (she is also 17 and for the sake of the story I’ll call her May)\nWe became friends and she told me before I came that Jane (the foster carer) had showed her my PERSONAL FILE and asked for her opinion about me.\nSince then, Jane has been chatting the most shit about me to May.\n(she tells me everything.) Jane calls me rude, says I’m a bad influence. That I’m disrespectful, lazy and have no manners and apparently ‘act like this is my house.’\n\nJane likes to rave and brag about how good of a foster care she is and how long she’s been in the company, she does a lot of things to make herself look good in front of the social workers\nAbout a week ago, my social worker came over to help me with a housing application since I wasn’t allowed to stay after 18 because Jane wouldn’t get money to take care of me. Jane said those exact words to May by the way.\n\nDuring the meeting my social worker said something that completely set me off.\nI had to go at Jane saying that she’s a useless foster carer and that she doesn’t do anything and that she doesn’t care.\nA week before the meeting, I was really ill with a chest infection and not once did Jane ask if I was okay. Her DAUGHTER made me food and tea for the entire week while Jane said literally nothing to me. \nAfter about four days Jane asked if I wanted cough medicine and I said no. She never asked how I was doing\n\nI brought this up during the meeting and told my social worker how Jane never asked how I was doing when I was ill. \nJane immediately got defensive and went into the other room. She got the medicine just to prove a point that she had bought medicine for me.\nI also brought up how she actively chats shit about me in the house. I never said where I got the source from. I just said I could hear from upstairs. She called me a liar and swore to God that she would never do that.\n\nI also made a point that on my birthday she didn’t say happy birthday to me until later on in the day. She didn’t get me a card. She didn’t get me a gift. She didn’t get me a cake. \nI also said that when it was May’s birthday, everyone went out to Nando‘s while I didn’t get anything. No one asked if I wanted to go out for my birthday. To which Jane responded, \n“Oh do you want to go out this weekend?” I said no because it defeated the whole purpose and it also proved that she was trying to put on a show in front of the social workers.\nAfter my social worker left we had a conversation and ‘sorted things out’. As I was going back to my room. I heard her on the phone to my social worker telling her everything that we had just spoke about, furthermore proving my point that she’s only in it to make herself look good. \n\n | Not the A-hole | [I've never dealt with the foster care system, so this is just an outside perspective and maybe useless. I'd say NTA. The caseworker needs to know this information. Not just to make sure you're receiving proper care, but when considering future placements. I also think it's good you said everything with Jane present, so she can't claim you were talking behind her back. \n\nI hope she lives up to her end of the discussion in the months you're still there, and I hope you have a wonderful, successful life when you get out on your own., NTA. I just finished a book about a foster kid and it was shocking to realize how poorly many foster kids are treated while in foster care. I'm sorry this is happening to you but I'm glad that you don't have to stay in the house for too much longer. Good luck as you move forward. Ignore Jane and focus on your next move!, NTA\n\nYour only mistake was saying it where she could provide the means to defend herself. A good social worker, much like a good therapist and doctor, listens to what you have to say and values it regardless of your age and doesn’t just dismiss it because an adult says otherwise.\n\nMy source: Me having grown up in foster care and going through multiple social workers before getting one who worked WITH me rather than simply for my “best interests” without communicating with me., What I would say is, is focus on the housing. (I’m assuming your British based on the words you use and Nando’s…..)\nHowever what she may have shown May about you is called matching information. This is just some information and it’s to see if you are a match for the home, at your age it’s important to get the match right between all people there. \nThe birthday thing is shit and she will get money for this. Sadly in foster placements you don’t get the control of your birthday money where as if you are in a home then you would get more control over this, so it’s crap that she hasn’t used it on you. \nI’m not saying that she’s not in it for the money, but there’s clearly a disconnect there and I would just focus on your future and get to know post care support services really well- use this time wisely, NTA. I’m a social worker. The child is my client. I absolutely want to hear this. Not only did you do nothing wrong, but you’re very brave. \n\nI’d be quite surprised if the foster parent had your actual personal file. It was likely information provided from your social worker that we have to give to a caregiver. Either way, not ok to be sharing your information. \n\nI’m really sorry you’re going through this. You can call your social worker directly and see if your concerns are being followed up. If you see no changes, you can follow up with the worker’s supervisor. \n\nThere may also be a child advocate you can call. In my region it’s called OCYA. Office of the child and youth advocate. Ask your worker or their supervisor for your equivalent., Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. It must be so difficult for you. I wish I could give you a hug and a birthday celebration. NTA by a mile. I'm a mom of two daughters, and I wish you had some of the love and spoiling my daughters have enjoyed. Remember: you've got your whole life ahead of you, and it's gonna get so much better (this is coming from someone who had an unhappy childhood and was so relieved to get the hell out of there)., NTA at all. You deserve to have someone who looks out for you, loves you, and cares for you.\n\nIt might seem trivial to some, but a birthday card and cake would have made you feel like someone was looking out for you. That's low effort and she's not even providing that to you. Its basic parenting to celebrate a birthday.\n\nYou were right to bring it up because she's going to have other kids coming through her door who maybe don't know how to stand up for themselves.\n\nPersonally, I think you were really brave for defending yourself. It's heartbreaking to think of kids going into foster care where they're not cared for properly and it's allowed to happen. \n\nI'm glad her daughter tried to look after you, shows that there's someone there looking out for you.\n\nFrom a mum, belated happy birthday and if I could hug you, sweetheart, I would., NTA- former foster kid here, 30, so, been a hot minute. Your social worker is there for you. Not the family. Most social workers are over worked and under paid and forget that their clients are going through some shit that they may not have experience in. \n\nYour foster family is your temporary family and is ment to act like that. It sounds like you got a shit family and I am so sorry.\n\nI'd recommend joining the reddit r/ex_foster. It's a good community that has former foster kids giving their experience and support. \n\nLiving with that foster family is temporary. Remember that. You're going to be an adult soon and can just cut them off as well. \n\nI am also here for you if you need advice as well, feel free to message me! \n\nAll the love and support in the world for you and your future. You've made it this far. You don't have too far left for freedom., In my state the sw is required to interview the kids without the carer in the room. Can you talk to your sw alone? Talking with Jane in the room will never go well., NTA - your social worker should be aware of your living situation. Her main job is to keep you safe and ensure that you are treated well. I'm sorry that you aren't being treated with care. I hope your next steps are smooth., NTA - I understand that her lying and hypocrisy are frustrating, but I hope that you lower your expectations regarding a women who is basically housing children for a check. You did the best thing tell the social worker, but that woman is never going to treat you fairly. Also, any woman who has time to gossip about children barely has a life. Focus on building a strong, independent future for yourself and not a woman whom you won’t remember in 10 years., NTA at all, Why do you trust May?, NTA\n\nYou're a child and no one is protecting you. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better when you turn 18 and have some control over your life., I was in the foster system in the 90’s and had a similar foster carer. She would be all lovely and friendly when the SW would come over, they would sit in the dining room eating homemade cake and having a gossip. SW thought she was lovely. But behind closed doors she was really manipulative and occasionally verbally abusive. \n\nShe would tell me the other foster child in the house “hated” me and was “jealous” of me. One night when i was out with my friends she sent the other foster child out to look for me and tell me I had to come home because my Mum had called (my mum hadnt called for 4 months and my foster mother knew I was devastated about it). When I got home she told me my mum hadnt called at all and she had used the excuse to get me to come home quickly as she knew how much I wanted to talk to my mum. She then proceeded to shout at me for an hour because she thought I stole milk from the shop even though she sent me there to buy it, and I gave her the change from the purchase. All because I threw the receipt away and didnt bother getting a carrier bag. \n\nShe also grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and called me a slut once when she found out I had a boyfriend (I was a virgin). But to the SW she was one of the best foster carers around. I ended up running away and refusing to go back, explained everything that was happening and got put in respite care until they found another home. So keep telling them what is happening, dont stay quiet about it., Tbh are u sure that May isnt feeding u bullshit and making you go away? Frankly its suspicious to me how you never once heard her say anything but May did\n\n\n She didnt ask how u were when u were sick but she made sure u were fed, she probably told her kid to feed u. So its not the most motherly thing but u were safe, fed and she checked with u to see if u needed meds when she saw u were sill coughing, NTA at all. I wish I could treat you for your birthday. If you want to DM me your CashApp, I’ll send you $$ so you can have something special that’s just for you for your birthday. Good for you for advocating for yourself and sticking up for what’s right. Jane isn’t a good foster parent, and the social worker absolutely needs to know that information. Big hugs to you., NTA \nYour wellbeing is also important and the social worker has to know just in case. If the carer gets in trouble thats her fault, she shouldnt be sharing personal details, bad mouthing, and neglecting you., My best friend was a foster child. I wish i had known her during her years in foster homes. I would have busted down doors and taken her away. She told me foster kids are afraid to tell about abuse because they're afraid their next foster parent could be worse. She lived with farmers and was a slave. Had to work at 4 am before school and work the farm until nighttime. The foster parents got paid for a slave worker. Be proud of yourself for knowing you deserve better!! You are NTA at all! "Jane" however, is worse than an AH. I can't say the words that come to mind. You deserve better. My friend went on to have a happy life when she was an adult. I admire her because after all the scars she carries from being raised in foster homes, she's the kindest, most wonderful mom and friend. I hope you have a happy life. I'm rooting for you!!, You are definitely not the asshole. Firstly, foster families are supposed to support and care for you, and the foster workers are supposed to make sure you are in a good healthy situation. It should be their job to know if something isn’t going good with a foster family. Secondly, even if you weren’t a foster kid and say this was a student and teacher exchange, having an ADULT talk shit about someone that they take care of or have authority over is INAPPROPRIATE and an abuse of power. You 💯% had every right to inform/call out that woman to your worker. (Also good on “May” for informing you about all of what Jane said”, Nta. You were placed there because she was an experienced caregiver. She has been shamming them. I recommend that you talk to your social worker elsewhere if you’re going to let her know how bad it is there, and that Jane isn’t a good person., NTA. That is exactly why you have a social worker. They need to know if you are not receiving proper care. And sharing your personal file with other children under her care is absolutely a violation of your privacy! I know the system is overwhelmed and they will take practically anyone they can get to take in the children in need of placements, but I really get a bad taste in my mouth for the people who only do it for the government check they get to cover your expenses and then don’t even use all of the money on your care like they are supposed to do. \n\nI’m sorry you’ve had to live through this and I hope once you are out on your own you can find some peace and independence. There are a lot of charities that specialize in helping young adults who have aged out of foster care. A quick google search should help you find any that are local to you, if your social worker doesn’t have them for you already., Send her this link. Good luck 2 u, dear. Abusers depend on ur silence. Ur doing great!🤗 NTA, No. Tell your social worker EVERYTHING! And if your social worker doesn’t listen, call their supervisor, and if their supervisor doesn’t listen, keep calling up the chain until someone does listen. Make sure you know what you’re entitled to while in the state’s custody. Best wishes., Unfortunately it sound like your in a predicament I was in late last year when I aged out of care it’s a difficult time and you feel alone and everything pushes you to the edge so no your NTA your going through a stressful time and on top of that your living in a household you don’t feel welcome in with a women who is only nice when your Social Worker or PA is around as I presume your in the UK\nMy DM’s are always open if you need anything or a just a chat with someone who knows what your going through ., Just here to say that my experience with the foster system lead me to the realization that people that are in it for the “right reasons” end up getting seriously hurt. Those that are long term foster carers are long term because they care, but not like *that much*, I used to be a foster care caseworker (in Australia so a bit different). Please please keep telling your caseworker everything. \nAt the end of the day, we never know 100% what it is like to live in the homes. We can only know from our kids or from the carers themselves.\nYou’re 100% NTA, NTA I'm sorry everyone has failed you this far. Please don't give up. Let this be stepping stones to a better you!, Until you brought up Nando's, I thought you were my boss at work. She talks shit about me and the people she serves where I can hear but puts on a show in front of her higher ups., I have very little info about the foster care system and based on your description of Jane's behaviour after the fact, i think it's probably right.. I just want to say, don't trust anyone who tells you things.. May may have been telling the truth but don't automatically believe anyone who tells you things that seem plausible.. May could have heard or read that info anywhere and be using it to manipulate you (this case seems unlikely) but in the future, analyse everything and don't jump to conclusions.., As someone who was in foster care you did the right thing. NTA, NTA. You deserve much better. I hope she does get in trouble. She should. People like that should not be allowed to be a foster parent or carer., You also need to let your social worker know that your foster carer was literally asking her other foster child for their opinion and divulging personal information about you. Not sure if it's a HIPAA violation but it has to violate something. Tell your worker absolutely everything--maybe they can get you another placement and hopefully revoke this woman's foster license. NTA, From a former foster kid, NTA at all. Maybe see if May is willing to report things to your worker too, because Jane is actually disgusting. The whole point of the worker is to ensure your safety in this environment, to allow them to do that they need to know everything., NTA, but I wouldn’t hold your breath on this actually doing anything. At 18, she’ll still kick you out, & will still get to foster kids for money. Focus on taking care of yourself, because that’s all you can do., NTA. Glad you are out soon. Find and use whatever resources you can and get a really good therapist so you don’t take too much of your childhood stuff with you for the rest of your life. You deserve good things from here out 💖, The main thing I would have brought up would have been that she's allowing other people to read your history. When I get my blue binder I looked through it and then it's locked up in my briefcase. It is no one's business why you're in foster care and, at least in the state I live, we are explicitly told that we cannot reveal any of your information., NTA — you absolutely have a right to voice your concerns and speak up for yourself in these meetings, and most good foster carers would be thrilled if their foster child was already settled enough to treat the house like their own. When you give a child or young person a home, you're giving them exactly that: a home! When she willingly invited you into her house, she made it your house as well! \n\n\nDo you have an advocate or information about your rights and advocacy services in your area? If You're here in the UK, I'd strongly advise looking at Coram Voice if you haven't already. They're an advocacy service for LAC and care leavers. Their website has information about your rights etc. as well as a hotline etc. I don't know the full scope of support they offer, but I've had friends who've found them to be a lifeline when in very similar situations to yours.\n\n\nThat being said, I'd be careful about believing everything May says about Jane. I'm not saying I think she's trying to stir the pot, but it's certainly a possibility, especially if you're noticing May receive more favourable treatment than you. I wouldn't disbelieve everything she says either, I'd just treat it with caution. Regardless of whether what she says is true or not, I still feel it's worth communicating to your social worker. Even if everything May says turns out to be fabricated (which feels unlikely given the behaviour you've personally witnessed) it's still clearly creating a negative and unwelcoming environment. Your social worker's role is to safeguard you, which she can't do unless you speak up, so well done! , My foster mum was remarkably similar. She never went more than a few days without reminding me that I'm useless. You're definitely NTA here. If the ages were different, I would seriously wonder if this was written by my little sister (she still lives with my old foster mum). \n\nPeople love to act as if foster parents can do no wrong, especially if they're not harming you physically. \n\nJust try to stick it out until you're 18. Moving out will be one of the best experiences of your life. Ignore the people who try to tell you that you should be grateful, and worship the ground she walks on – you're the one who has to put up with her shit, so your opinions matter the most. \n\nHope you're okay, NTA - I've spent years representing youth in foster care. You should be very frank with your SW and any lawyer that represents you in semi-annual status check hearings, about the care (and/or lack of care) you're receiving. Foster kids are generally the only input we have to determine who is and who isn't a competent foster parent. Unfortunately, due to being a foster child, you're going to have to learn at an early age how to advocate for yourself. I would say, if you have a lawyer, also raise these issues with them as they will fight for you more than a SW., These conversations should be with your social worker in private. Then it would be up to the SW to investigate. The SW has to figure out if you are lying, if the foster parent is good at her parenting, if anyone is being abused.\n\nOthers in the house could be interviewed for the real story. Hopefully you'll be out soon., NTA, my youngest siblings is going through something similar with their foster carer too. Keep calling her out to your worker. I don't know where you are so I can't help with advice for protocol. I'm Australian so I know who to talk to in the higher ups to call., NTA: I’d tell your social worker to ask other kids she’s housed how she acted with them. This is a clear pattern here and if you can tear apart the image there’s nothing left but the nasty person she really is and proves she’s not fit to foster., NTA, people like her give fostering a bad reputation., NTA the files are private and aren’t supposed to be shared with anyone esp the other kids. The case worker needed to know because they only see the surface presented by the carers and need to know what else goes on for the safety of the placements., NTA, I think others deserve to know about her behavior if she can't be a proper foster carer, she only cares about herself and nobody else, I think it's important for those around her to know of this behavior as she just simply isn't suited for this job, NTA just so you know, the UK is a one party recording state. If your foster starts mouthing off of lying start recording g her for evidence. \nShe sounds like the type who is proud she doesn't beat you, isn't she *good*, NTA. Jane is in this for the money and to make herself look good. Your social worker is supposed to make sure you are in a health environment and being with Jane isn't it so you need to keep doing this. Document everything and have a chat with your social worker on what's going on., You are moving out. Once gone, write a to the point evaluation of the things she did or didn't do, vin the form of a point by point complaint. Keep it unemotional if you can - facts that the agency can use as markers for discipline, retraining, investigation etc. Then let it go. Use the good people in your life to help build yourself a future that sticks 2 fingers up at poor foster carers and the circumstances that put you there., NTA. Jane sounds like she’s more focused on her image than actually caring for you, and calling her out was justified. I had a similar foster carer who’d put on a show for social workers but was dismissive and neglectful in private—it’s heartbreaking. You deserve someone who truly cares about your well-being., Absolutely NTA. Jane signed up to love and take care of the kids in her care. She's failing miserably at this, and needed to be called out. You should get a notebook, detail every moment of her cruelty., NTA obviously.\n\nWhat did the spcial worker say that set you off?\n\nI would definitely write a letter with everything in this post, as many examples you can think of, examples of the insults and things she says about you, the personal file, the lying to social workers and berating you got for telling your perspective, how she brags about only being in it food the money, how she acts differently when SW come etc. Be specific so that Jane can't twist it (eg yes she offered you medicine but that was after 4 days of neglect). The medical example could potentially be a safeguarding risk, especially denying you medicine and not aaking how you are. Include how she badmouths May to you. If you reicive any sorry of punishment or telling off as a result of talking to the SW then include that too. \n\nI would make it clear that you want it kept confidential (emphasise this so that the SW does not show it to Jane) and that in future you want all meetings with your SW to be private and away from Jane. I would give this to the SW and ask to be moved due to neglect and emotional abuse. \n\nIt also might prevent her being given different vulnerabile children. I'm so sorry you're going through this and this is absolutely not how a foster carer should act., NTA. The foster care system is full of people who care more about their image than anything, and choose to spend more effort virtue signaling than they do caring for vulnerable children. At no point In my years long experience with foster care did I feel safe or cared for. At best I was ignored or treated like a burden and at the worst I experienced physical and verbal abuse. Sadly society has decided that taking in a child automatically makes you a saint regardless of their motives or behavior. It’s not a secret, it has just been accepted as a necessary evil., OP, your post hurt my heart. I work for CPS, and our agency has an entirely different approach — an approach that is considerably better. When the social worker makes a home visit, each foster child meets with the social worker for a chat separately with the foster parent in another room. Sometimes, the social worker may go to the child’s school to discuss issues with school administrators, and the foster child meets with the social worker for a private discussion.\n\nAnd when issues like yours are made known, our social workers recommend a different placement. And, if warranted, CPS may initiate an investigation of the foster parent(s). \n\nAre you planning to further your education? Will CPS provide assistance?\n\nNTA. OP, once you have your own place, use all the resources available to live your best life. This internet stranger is sending you hugs., NTA. I was in foster care for 4 years. Mine only got me 1 present for Christmas and birthday because foster kids aren't as good as biological kids and that's why our parents don't want us so we don't deserve more than one present. Also, her granddaughter took ballet and the teacher was letting me go for free but my foster mothers granddaughter didn't like me going and said she didn't want me to go so fm made me quit., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nI (17f) have lived in my current foster home for a little over a year. I immediately got bad vibes on the foster carer on the first day. I don’t know she just gave me off energy though that could’ve just been me being judgemental.\nThere is another girl who’s been living in the same foster home for about 5 to 6 years before me (she is also 17 and for the sake of the story I’ll call her May)\nWe became friends and she told me before I came that Jane (the foster carer) had showed her my PERSONAL FILE and asked for her opinion about me.\nSince then, Jane has been chatting the most shit about me to May.\n(she tells me everything.) Jane calls me rude, says I’m a bad influence. That I’m disrespectful, lazy and have no manners and apparently ‘act like this is my house.’\n\nJane likes to rave and brag about how good of a foster care she is and how long she’s been in the company, she does a lot of things to make herself look good in front of the social workers\nAbout a week ago, my social worker came over to help me with a housing application since I wasn’t allowed to stay after 18 because Jane wouldn’t get money to take care of me. Jane said those exact words to May by the way.\n\nDuring the meeting my social worker said something that completely set me off.\nI had to go at Jane saying that she’s a useless foster carer and that she doesn’t do anything and that she doesn’t care.\nA week before the meeting, I was really ill with a chest infection and not once did Jane ask if I was okay. Her DAUGHTER made me food and tea for the entire week while Jane said literally nothing to me. \nAfter about four days Jane asked if I wanted cough medicine and I said no. She never asked how I was doing\n\nI brought this up during the meeting and told my social worker how Jane never asked how I was doing when I was ill. \nJane immediately got defensive and went into the other room. She got the medicine just to prove a point that she had bought medicine for me.\nI also brought up how she actively chats shit about me in the house. I never said where I got the source from. I just said I could hear from upstairs. She called me a liar and swore to God that she would never do that.\n\nI also made a point that on my birthday she didn’t say happy birthday to me until later on in the day. She didn’t get me a card. She didn’t get me a gift. She didn’t get me a cake. \nI also said that when it was May’s birthday, everyone went out to Nando‘s while I didn’t get anything. No one asked if I wanted to go out for my birthday. To which Jane responded, \n“Oh do you want to go out this weekend?” I said no because it defeated the whole purpose and it also proved that she was trying to put on a show in front of the social workers.\nAfter my social worker left we had a conversation and ‘sorted things out’. As I was going back to my room. I heard her on the phone to my social worker telling her everything that we had just spoke about, furthermore proving my point that she’s only in it to make herself look good. \n\n\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, NTA, Nta, NTA, NTA! The social workers should know not to send males to this woman. You should speak to your social worker privately., Not at all! This internet stranger wishes she could engage your caseworker in a CTJ meeting. When one of my foster kids (teenager) told me the foster family restricted their milk intake I believed them and immediately made arrangements and moved them to another home by the end of the weekend.\n\nOP, you matter. You have gifts and abilities that are uniquely your’s. I understand foster care providers range from loving to loving the money only. They are not the arbiters of your goodness nor do they define you: You do. I know this struggle from the inside out. \n\nStart making your plans for the future. Everyday add a little more detail to your plan. You \*will\* get out of there, promise but you need to get another adult to back you, OK? If the caseworker isn’t helping, do you have an adult at school who would advocate for you? If you attend religious services, is there any adult there who can help you?\n\nSending you virtual hugs if you’re up for them. You aren’t the problem, OP. They are. People talk the talk about caring about kids but they sure don’t walk the walk. That’s why I’m encouraging you to insist on a transfer to another home. Sometimes it just not the right “fit” for us.\n\nWarm wishes, OP. You made it this far, you’re a lot more mature, responsible and resourceful than others your age. We have to be ;-), I am so sorry that you are being treated this way, if you have a mobile phone, start recording all your conversations about important things with your foster carer, then you have proof to play back to either your solicitor or the case worker, DO NOT play these recordings to anyone else, no friend’s or teachers, as you may find you are breaking the law by doing this, ( please check in your local area at your local law informant station, to see if you can record someone without them knowing , before you do ) as I would not want you to do something that will get you into trouble with the law xx, NTA - your social worker is there to support you. You should be telling the social worker about anything bothering you, NTA at all. If anything you should have said something sooner. Foster carers are supposed to be opening their homes to give you a place to feel safe, comfortable and cared for. You deserve to feel all of those things and I'm very sorry she is treating you badly. You have done nothing wrong., NTA- i grew up in foster care and get where your coming from. Favorites are a thing. They want you to feel at home, but then get mad when you start feeling at home. I've gotten upset with fosters but it made it worse when I told my caseworker. Just became an unhealthy home to be in. They are paid to get fosters things we need and to give us a better life. So a fucking birthday card, and cake is EXPECTED of them to get for you, and every other foster in their home, no matter if they like you or not. \nIf they want to pick and choose then they shouldn't be fosters., When I was in foster care, this family had one room with two sets of bunkbeds. At one point, two teenage girls had to sleep on the floor because the beds were taken. \n\nWe were not allowed to hang out in the rest of the house except for Sunday mornings. All of us were made to clean their house while they were at church.\n\nThey were rude, nosey, disgusting slobs. I stayed in a group home with actual staff after this, and it was 100Xs a better experience. \n\nI fucking hate foster “parents” who are clearly only doing it for the money.\n\nETA: not the asshole. Sorry, your post triggered a memory for me., The biggest issue here is the sharing of your personal information. Make sure the social worker is aware of this.\n\nNTA, As a former foster parent, I'm so sorry. NTA. Absolutely you should have called her our. I texas, at the very least your comments would have warranted an investigation. Being a foster kid is hard. In my house, everyone got equal treatment. Birthdays are a big deal, if took one out for dinner, then all kids got a special dinner too. I'm so sad for how you have been treated., NTA. As a former foster parent, I am horrified. I hope your caseworker is as well, I wish there was some kind of website that foster kids were able to rate their foster carers on when they became adults or an old enough age. Super unfortunate and every story I’ve heard of fosters being abusive or neglectful infuriates me deeply., NTA Former foster kid here. You are truly the only one that can advocate for yourself. While telling your case worker about those issues in front of "Jane" may not have been the best scenario, I can understand what led to it and hope your case worker does as well.\n\nHave you told your case worker that she's been showing your personal file to other people? That seems like a major privacy violation. I would ask to speak with your case worker privately.\n\nI'm not sure what state/country your in, I'd recommend looking into if there are any advocacy groups that can help you with your transitioning to independence., Nta, NTA. I'm sorry you're having to live there until you can be free of her. Hopefully, things will improve when you move., NTA to the max. Good on you, for reasons others have laid out already. The social worker should be your advocate. The lovely people who see the foster care system as a way to make an easy buck frustrate social workers too, believe me., OP, do you have an advocate or a guardian ad litem? I’m a volunteer advocate and unfortunately, these are the kind of stories I hear from my kids all the time. I usually have a conversation with the caregiver, the social worker and sometimes the attorney, to assess if there are any legal issues with how my kids are being treated in their homes. \n\nAll that to say, it sounds like you are doing a pretty decent job of advocating for yourself and you should be proud. NTA., NTA, and I am SO GLAD for you that you will be 18 soon and can build a positive life that is happy and free. Best of luck!, NTA\nYou are never the asshole for wanting a foster parent to feel like someone who really cares. Honestly, she most likely is only in it for the money and to make herself look good, and the social worker probably already knows that. Unfortunately this is what life has handed to you. It's shit and completely unfair, but really try to just focus on yourself and not spend your energy on how other people are behaving. You need help at the moment, take it wherever you can get it, a lot of people are going to disappoint you but as you get through you'll be able to surround yourself with the people who do treat you like you want to be treated. \nGood luck with the system, it's shit., As a former foster caregiver, this is not okay and you’re not the asshole. You have done nothing wrong and you should be talking to your social worker WITHOUT Jane. Keep reporting it, The comment about “acting like it is your house” floors me. It IS your house, for as long as you live there. What?, As a technician in social work, nta. Your social worker has to know if your carer neglects you, which seemed to be the case while you were sick. She also seems to have favorites. I don't work in child protection, I work in Canada but I feel that is important information for your social worker to know so they can take care of you., NTA. I was a foster kid once upon a time who aged out of the system I, now at the age of 21, have a husband and son with another son due in April. She likely will not face any repercussions since there is a lack of foster parents especially for older children in foster care. I know you aren’t looking for advice but keep your head down til you age out and then make a life for yourself., NTA. Your foster carer is a narcissist. Good to hear you picked up on the vibe straight away.\n\nThe clues: \n\- Only wants a foster child for the money -> no empathy \n\- Lying and knowing how to make herself look good in front of those who "matter" -> manipulative and seeking validation \n\- Complete lack of interest in person she CHOSE to foster -> lack of empathy \n\- Angry at being embarrassed by the truth -> impression management and wanting validation and admiration without earning it \n\- Talking shit about you to the other kid -> smear campaign and trying to isolate you\n\nEdit to add: you are not the problem, the foster carer is evil. Do not believe any of the bad stuff she says about you., NTA\n\nBut why is the social worker interviewing you guys at the same time? I thought you had to questioned separately. I would bring this up with the social workers boss as soon as possible.\n\nYour foster mother is after the check for fostering you, My foster mom was a lot like this, I let everyone pressure me into adopting me when my birth mom passed, and they were forever these heroes who took me in, now I’m in my 30’s still trying to not believe the mean shit they’d say 😬, I was in care from the age of 5, I'm 31 now and have only recently accessed my file, what your foster parent has done is wrong, she had no business discussing or sharing YOUR file with may, may doesn't/didn't need to know the ins and outs of your situation unless it was you who's was sharing that information yourself, unfortunately some foster carers are only in it for the money and bragging rights, the phone call she made to the social worker after you spoke would have been standard to let social know how'd things are progressing once they are aware of problems, they like to be kept updated ect, so sounds like she doesn't care, I would document things going forward but seeing as youl be moving out once your turn 18 I would log a complaint with the social about the file issue for sure but it depends how awkward she can make things and how long you have left,, things do get better though, People are assholes but that is not illegal. Do you have a roof over your head, food and a warm place to sleep? Then that is 95% of the way. Babying you when you are sick or birthday celebrations, well would be nice but also a bit irrelevant. Don't look for fair treatment in life. It won't happen. You will have to make your own path. Good luck., You definitely are not the asshole! Your foster mom needs to be prosecuted. So many foster parents are worse than the children’s biological parents] | 135 | 6601 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j18bye/aita_for_calling_out_my_foster_carer_in_front_of/ | 2025-03-01 15:01:34 | NaT | 0 | 0 | 65 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 13 |
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| 9 | AITA for telling my sister and BIL it's their fault their son doesn't speak to them? | Throwaway for privacy.\n\nI, 53F, have a sister, 55F, I'll call her Caroline. She has been married for 30 years to her husband, Richard, 58M. When they married in the 90s, they planned to have children. However, nature had other plans for them, and my BIL couldn't have children. The doctors confirmed the impossibility, and this devasted them. After weighing their options, they chose to go through infertility treatments with donor sperm. I also must note that my sister is a controlling person, and my BIL thinks he knows everything.\n\nFast forward a few years, and my sister and BIL had two sons through this process, both of whom have different donators. And as science grown with DNA I advised my sister to tell the children when they were young of how they came to be and just be honest with them. I was met with harsh backlash, telling me to mind my own business and that under no circumstance are her sons to find out. I would continually bring it up on occasion until one nasty fight where my BIL told me I was an uneducated idiot who knew nothing about this subject. Then I gave up and never spoke to them about it again.\n\nLast year, Caroline's older son decided to take a 23andMe test and discovered that my BIL is not his biological father. This caused a massive uproar in my sister's family. My nephew told them he always knew something was wrong and wanted to find the truth. After months of back-and-forth fighting about my sister and BIL's betrayal of trust (per my nephew), he has now cut contact with his parents. I’m connect with him through social media and will not do anything to risk losing this contact.\n\nLast week, my sister called me sobbing because the birthday presents she sent to her son were returned with a note that said "do not contact me again" from my nephew. After listening to her for 30 min I got tired. I tried to hang up, but she lashed out and asked why I wasn't supporting her. I told her the truth, that she ignored my thoughts for years. I told her I warned her that science was catching up with her lies, and she should have told the kids when they were young so they could process it better. She called me heartless and a monster for not giving her help or trying to persuade my nephew to speak with her. I told her that I would not do this for either her or BIL, that this situation is their fault, and that they need to figure out how to live with the consequences or find a way to fix their relationship with their son. It was then my BIL got on the phone and called me a bitch and hung up on me.\n\nMy mother and father got involved and told me that a good sister wouldn't want this type of family tension to continue and that I needed to step up and help my sister and her son to speak to each other. I refuse because I won't risk my one connection I still have with my nephew. So AITA for not helping my sister and BIL fix their relationship with my nephew and telling them it's their fault? | Not the A-hole | [NTA. They insisted on not listening to you, punished you enough that you shut up, and now they want you to nuke your relationship with your nephew in an attempt to fix the issue. Plus that seems unlikely to work.\n\nYou value your relationship with your nephew and don't want to risk it. Actions have consequences, and you are thinking ahead again., NTA I'm not even sure what they expect you to do. \n\nYou could tell them that you tried, but your nephews won't hear it. Maybe that can shut them up. You don't even need to tell your family that you still talk to your nephews. You could say that they aren't talking to you now because you pressed the issue too much., NTA. At all. And your stance has possibly made you the most trusted family member your nephew feels he has now. I think he needs your support far more than your sister. Also, sis & bil did not just ignore your (very VERY reasonable advice) they insulted you. Not to be petty but that is another reason you owe them nothing. \n\nYou are a good Aunt. You tried to be a good sister and got ridiculed for it. I hope your nephew is able to process everything and feels more at peace soon., Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I feel confident that I should keep my stance, let my sister and BIL figure out their path, and make amends with their son.\n\nI've seen some questions and I'll answer as best as possible.\n\nDid I encourage my nephew to check his DNA? No. I never had a conversation with him about his parentage or told him to do these tests. I never wanted either of the kids to find out that way, which is why I was telling my sister and BIL to tell the kids the truth. I believe it's a horrible shock to find out something like this through a test.\n\nDoes the other son know the truth? Yes, he does now. However, he has taken a slightly different stance. He's not happy about the lies, but he's not cutting off his parents. He's been more accepting of the truth, which has been a blessing.\n\nDoes my nephew know that his beginning started with fertility issues and not something like an affair? Yes. We've all talked with him at certain times, and he knows the history.\n\nIs there more to the reasons my nephew cut off his parents than just the fertility lies? I would imagine there is. Over the years, I've watched the continued mistakes my sister and BIL make by being controlling and overbearing with their sons. I know I've had my issues with them and how they act. My BIL is obnoxious with his need to be respected and has an enormous superiority complex. I have a feeling the core of the reason why they didn't want to tell their kids the truth is that my BIL was ashamed of his inability to produce his children. I could list so many ways I have disagreed with how they raised the kids, but they are paying for it now.\n\nThe one thing I couldn't say in the post because of the character limit is the continued strain in my relationship with my sister and BIL over their choices with their children and how they treat other family members. I've repeatedly tried telling them that the kids should find out while they are young, living at home, where conversations can happen openly, and children can constructively process the information. Not as adults, living states away from each other, and seeing it on a computer screen. I also warned them about the potential health issues, the possibility of other donor kids out there they may be "related to," and how they need the complete information. One of the responders said, "What if they didn't know to ask if their partner is a donor child and they find out they are related?" These thoughts crossed my mind, but when I tried to speak to my sister or BIL about it, I was told to mind my business and was cold-shouldered for periods afterward with little contact. (And you now know where my nephew learned to do that!)\n\nAnyway, thank you for making me feel better about not interfering. I now feel more secure that I'm doing the right thing and letting them solve their problems., NTA, and you're handling this 100% correctly.\n\nYou've warned the parents many times, and they just sneered at you. Their own bad choices have finally caught up with them, and it's *their* responsibility to remedy. Both they and your parents want you to perform magic to fix everything. It doesn't work that way.\n\nYour sister and BIL need to contact their own son and try to make things right. This is not something that gets an instant cure, and in time your nephew may be receptive to his parents. Meanwhile, if he wishes no contact, it's his right., NTA. They should have told him not just to avoid this outcome but because fertility industry regulations are a joke and he needed to know so that 1. he could get genetic testing done for any future health conditions because donors can lie or not be aware of any conditions at the time they donate (most do it young and for cash) and 2. so that he could be aware and ask any future romantic partners if they were donor conceived (serial donors are a problem and many donor conceived people are finding out that they have sibling pods within the hundreds) so he doesn’t get romantically involved with a potential half sibling., NTA-They’ve had his entire life to share this with him and decided not to, of course he’s angry and hurt. I’m sorry they’re hurting but they brought it upon themselves., NTA. And maintain as much of a relationship with your nephews as you can. They need honest relatives in their lives., NTA. You told them what you thought and were told to mind your own business. That's all you're doing now. Also, if there's any hope of any of them having a relationship with your nephews, someone has to keep that connection going. You pushing them away isn't going to help anyway.\n\nI'm also curious why your nephew always knew something was wrong. Did you ever notice the dad acting any particular way towards him?, NTA. At all.\n\nPragmatically, what do your parents will think will be different when you contact him? "Yeah, Aunt Cantaloupe, now that I've seen it from your perspective, I'm back in the family!" Ha., I'm in an online group for those of us who found out our dads are not our dads (for various and sundry reasons as you can imagine.) One almost universal thing is the anger caused by our mothers not telling us the truth early on. If anyone out there is in this situation with a child take my serious advice and TELL THEM even if it is personally embarrassing and humiliating to you. Because I promise you that the poster's story is not an outlier. \n\nOh, and OP-you are NTA. At all., What about the younger son? Is he aware? Is he in touch with his brother, his parents, both/neither?, NTA. Ask your BIL what he expects an uneducated idiot to do?, NTA\n\nThis right here is why my mom was ALWAYS honest with my youngest brother that he was adopted! My youngest brother is biological, my nephew. My older sister had him at 18 and was in no shape to care for a child, so my mom stepped up and took him. He called her mom and always saw his bio-mom as a sister. Sooooooo many people told my mom that it was wrong to tell him, but now she's happy she was always honest., Nta. \n\n I would tell them all. \n\nEither you stop this guilting and manipulation of trying to get me to fix this problem for them, or I will step back from you all. You all should be ashamed of yourself. They were warned repeatedly what might happen but think they know better. When it happened instead of respecting nephews' boundaries needed, you are trying to have him cut off from all his family. You are making her wants more important than his needs. You are showing him he can't trust any if you and he don't matter. His feelings don't matter. So back the fuck off or lose not only him but me as well. I will not manipulate him into what all of you should be looking at and rethinking. I will not pressure him as you all are because actions have consequences and sister doesn't like the consequences. \n\n\nBut thats me., NTA at all. Here’s a suggested script for next time someone goes after you for this. \n\nSister/BIL/parents: But why won’t you fix this? Why is nephew doing this?\n\nYou: Oh no, consequences. \n\nHang up phone., NTA- When I was college, it was the dawn of DNA science. We warned that it was going to bring massive changes. And secrets that had been carefully hidden, would be unfolded. This was nearly 40 years ago, geez I'm old.\n\nHow your sister and BIL expected they could keep the secret forever is ridiculous. DNA kits have been the rage for years. They might have been able to stop your nephews from DNA tests while they lived at home but once they moved out, all bets were off. \n\nHad your sister and BIL consulted a therapist and figured out how and when to tell your nephews, all of this could have been avoided. The situation is far from unique in this age.\n\nYour nephews have a great aunt and advocate. Your sister and BIL need to realize they are living in the 21st century, not the 1950s., NTA. This isn’t your problem to fix. Your parents should support their grandson. They made a choice and now it has consequences. And you shouldn’t risk ruining your relationship with your nephew because of it., NTA Not your circus, not your monkey, NTA the best thing for you to do is remain in contact with your nephew and let him know he can always contact you if he needs help.\n\nThe worst thing would be for him to disappear entirely, which he might if you do what the rest of that family want. \n\nGive him time. Keep being a good aunt., You were told by them that your nephew's conception was none of your business, so you are just respecting their wishes and staying out of it., NTA ask your parents why you should help people who have been nothing but nasty to you. Ask your parents that if one of their siblings called the other a bitch would they want to step up and help?if they say yes they are lying, NTA. He didn't go no contact over his discovery. Clearly there are other issues there. The 23 and Me just solidified everything else going on in that house. I could feel for them dealing with infertility and not knowing how to deal with the conversation. But, again, there are other issues present there. Your sister and BIL don't want to look at any of the other things that have caused this. Their loss., NTA they fucked around and found out the hard way with the info, if they had listened to you years ago they could of stopped this but NOPE they fucked it up by ignoring you.\n\n \nnow its their fuck up., Info: Does your nephew even know it was about fertility? Because if he doesn't, then the assumption could very well be that his mom is a cheater, or any other number of things that paint his parents as trash. \n\nThey certainly are trash imo for keeping this secret, but a different kind of trash., Your nephew is an adult, and is hurt. They need to figure out for themselves how to try to repair their relationship with him. STAY OUT of it, just continue to be an aunt to ur nephew. Separately be a sister to your sister.\nNTA, nta Have they told the other son? If so what is his response?, NTA. You tried to be a good sister for decades, and they didn't want it. Now it's time to be a good aunt., NTA, obviously. And tell your idiot parents to back right off before their grandson cuts them off too. You TRIED to fix this before it could get this bad and not only did your idiot sister and BIL not listen to you, they insulted you for it. Even if you wanted to, which you shouldn’t, you CAN’T fix this for them. Their son is a grown man who is making his own decisions. You have no power here, and I mean that in the kindest of ways. The only loving choice you have, that you have already made (kudos to you), is to support your nephew in coming to terms with his new reality., NTA When you told your sister earlier that she should somehow disclose the truth earlier in life, they insulted you and you were told to mind your own business. Now that you are minding your own business they now want "support"\n\nYou should tell your parents that your sister is the one who originally started the insults when you raised this concern the first time. Now you're just complying with what she and her husband said, and now it's wrong??\n\nYou don't need to help at all, because if they made drama the first time you tried helping, they'll raise more drama regardless if you help or not., ^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***\n\nThrowaway for privacy.\n\nI, 53F, have a sister, 55F, I'll call her Caroline. She has been married for 30 years to her husband, Richard, 58M. When they married in the 90s, they planned to have children. However, nature had other plans for them, and my BIL couldn't have children. The doctors confirmed the impossibility, and this devasted them. After weighing their options, they chose to go through infertility treatments with donor sperm. I also must note that my sister is a controlling person, and my BIL thinks he knows everything.\n\nFast forward a few years, and my sister and BIL had two sons through this process, both of whom have different donators. And as science has and advised my sister to tell the children when they were young of how they came to be and just be honest with them. I was met with harsh backlash, telling me to mind my own business and that under no circumstance are her sons to find out. I would continually bring it up on occasion until one nasty fight where my BIL told me I was an uneducated idiot who knew nothing about this subject. Then I gave up and never spoke to them about it again.\n\nLast year, Caroline's older son decided to take a 23andMe test and discovered that my BIL is not his biological father. This caused a massive uproar in my sister's family. My nephew told them he always knew something was wrong and wanted to find the truth. After months of back-and-forth fighting about my sister and BIL's betrayal of trust (per my nephew), he has now cut contact with his parents. I’m connect with him through social media and will not do anything to risk losing this contact.\n\nLast week, my sister called me sobbing because the birthday presents she sent to her son were returned with a note that said "do not contact me again" from my nephew. After listening to her for 30 min I got tired. I tried to hang up, but she lashed out and asked why I wasn't supporting her. I told her the truth, that she ignored my thoughts for years. I told her I warned her that science was catching up with her lies, and she should have told the kids when they were young so they could process it better. She called me heartless and a monster for not giving her help or trying to persuade my nephew to speak with her. I told her that I would not do this for either her or BIL, that this situation is their fault, and that they need to figure out how to live with the consequences or find a way to fix their relationship with their son. It was then my BIL got on the phone and called me a bitch and hung up on me.\n\nMy mother and father got involved and told me that a good sister wouldn't want this type of family tension to continue and that I needed to step up and help my sister and her son to speak to each other. I refuse because I won't risk my one connection I still have with my nephew. So AITA for not helping my sister and BIL fix their relationship with my nephew and telling them it's their fault?\n\n \n \n\n\n*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*, Well, your sister and BIL were selfish and insecure, so they FAFOed. NTA. Please don’t ever try to bridge the gap between your nephew and his parents. He will then cut you off and he needs you. ❤️, NTA. They made their bed… they need to lay in it! Shoulda taken your advice rather than being know it all A’s!, My 29 year old niece is donor conceived and I urged my sister-in-law and brother-in-law to tell her as a child or a teen. But they didn’t. Everyone in the family knows including all her cousins. She is bound to find out soon, with so many people doing Ancestry DNA etc. I hate to think how she’s going to feel knowing that everyone else knew and kept it from her. The parents took a HUGE risk concealing this., NTA Plsin and simple. They had the opportunity to explain this to their children and didn't. It's on them., NTA. Your sister and BIL only have themselves to blame. It has been the advice for decades that the best option in terms of adoption/sperm or egg donor is to be completely honest with your kids from a young age. You advised them as such, they chose to (nastily) ignore you. And guess what,it backfired! You're right, science caught up - it's easier than ever for kids to find out their heritage with the ease of DNA testing. Your sister left a ticking time bomb in her family and is shocked it blew up in her face., NTA Very definition of FAFO, NTA- \n\nIn cases like this it is never just that the parents lied. Loving families can work through this.\n\nThere is more to it., NTA. This is sad because until they acknowledge that they messed up they probably don’t have much chance of repairing the relationship. If it’s possible. Also, you can’t fix a relationship between two other parties. You just can’t. You can encourage your nephew to reach out and reassure him that he is deeply loved if the topic comes up naturally. But other than that trying to interfere isn’t going to help and if the parents aren’t even ready to face the fact that this was self inflicted then it would be futile anyway, NTA. \n\nAs someone who is no contact with several family members (not due to paternity), I can tell you from my experience that anyone who tried to get me to reconnect with the offending family member was given one chance, and one chance only and then I went no contact with them too. \n\nYour nephew may not give you that chance. \n\nSo I would continue on with staying out of it, supporting your nephew, and low or no contact with your sister and BIL. They aren’t nice people, have been very cruel to you, and just because they are family doesn’t mean they belong in your life., NTA My brother and I were both adopted as newborns. We had different birth parents. Our parents told us our “stories” from the beginning, so we grew up knowing we were adopted. I remember going to the hospital to get my brother. Four year old me thought it was like picking out a puppy from a litter because we went to the nursery and my parents pointed out my new brother. I thought they were pointing to the one we wanted. \n\nMy parents knew a couple of families who adopted children and refused to tell them that they were adopted. Those kids found out as teenagers or young adults. It always ended badly. \n\nI hope you can control be there for your nephews., NTA\n\nThis doesn't even have anything to do with how you feel about your sister and BIL's choices. This is about being there for your nephew.\n\nYour sister and BIL should be happy that their son still trusts you and is willing to keep you in his life. Your parents should also be happy about that, too. Instead of jeopardizing that connection to their son/grandson, they care more about your sister getting what SHE wants. Wow.\n\nInstead they should be thinking about sister and BIL owning their choices and acknowledging how that is affecting your nephew now. Of course, if they are bent on repeating how right they are and how silly your nephew is to be upset; there really isn't much chance of them repairing their relationship with him.\n\nIf your parents are more focused on supporting your sister than they are on supporting your nephew, they are likely to suffer the same estrangement. You've shared your perspective; they disagree. That's their choice, but then it's not your responsibility to save them from their own hubris., NTA obviously. I suggest your nephew read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents because lol it sounds like that was the final straw for your nephew., NTA, \n\nBut INFO purely out of curiosity - you said they had 2 sons, and only 1 nephew did the 23&Me, does the other son know of his paternity now that this has all come out or is the younger son still in the dark? That's probably a big reason for no contact imo, How the H*** is any of this your mess to fix? You didn't do this, sis and BIL did. What on Earth does your mother expect you to do? Wave a magic wand?\nYou're NTA., I'd be upset if I found this out about myself too but I do not believe they owe it to him to tell how he was conceived. Whether it was artificial insemination, IVF, or anything else, they went lengths to get a child but that isn't necessarily something that he needs to know. There has to be more than just that that made him go no contact. You say he said he always knew something was wrong? What would make him feel that way? maybe they weren't very good parents to begin with. It is weird though that a couple who tried so hard to get a child wouldn't be good parents, NTA. Let them fix their own mess. According to your brother in law you’re an “uneducated idiot” and a “bitch.” Your sister told you to “mind your own business” when you warned her this fallout would happen someday. Remind them and your parents of those quotes next time they bother you., Fuck them. \nWhat can you do? They know everything in the world- but you’re the bitch? How dare you warn them and then refuse to help?\n\nFuck them. \nStay in contact with nephew. Offer love and an ear. But you cannot advise unless he asks, NTA. How about not being a good sister to a bad sister, and instead being a good aunt to your nephew? You are probably the only one from your generation who has known him from a child and have not lost his trust.\n\nIt's not petty that you don't want to be involved. You predict it'd wreck your mutual relationship and would do no good at all to restore the relationship with his parents and grandparents. And your earlier predictions came true, isn't it?, NTA. They had an OBLIGATION to tell their children simply for health reasons, much less family drama reasons., NTA unless you had any hand in the son coming to take a 23andMe., NTA, NTA. Seems like your sister and BIL are still the same know-it-all yahoos they've always been. What have they learned from this situation? Absolutely nothing. Amazing how you warned them about this very situation but when it blows up in their faces, they expect you to fix it for them. Just back away from them and tell your parents you cannot fix what you didn't break. It's up to your nephew's parents to fix this and not blame you for being right. At least this way you ensure someone in the family has contact with your nephew., What are you supposed to do? How is this your problem to fix? You can put them on Do Not Disturb and enjoy your relationship with your nephew. NTA., NTA. On a purely practical level, if you push that kid to talk to them, the only thing you will accomplish is driving the kid to cut contact with you as well. On a moral level, you were stuck in a tough spot. If you had told the kid they would have blamed you for the blowup. They made this mess, and you couldn’t fix it for them even if you tried., NTA. I went no contact with my absent mother growing up at 10, and again at 16 and 19, and finally somewhere in my 20s, it has been the last bother.\n\nThank you for respecting your nephews needs while he processes his new reality. I'm now in low contact with my father, and I'm 35., Nta ., Nta They are the idiots that made it into a big deal. If they had explained it when the boys were younger, it would have been a matter of fact thing. I was adopted and was told early in life. It wasn't a big deal to me., NTA\n\nchoose a reply \n1 - FAFO\n2 - they made their bed; they should lie on it\n3 - actions have consequences\n\nafter being warned several times, they got no excuse. they had it coming., You are being a good sister by telling the truth., "Hey sis, for years you've told me to be quiet and keep my thoughts to myself, so thats what I'm going to continue to do." \n\n\nSelfish of your sister to want to damage what is probably the few remaining connections her son has to family (your connection). They should all give him space and let him process. The harder they push more, the longer it'll be before he relents. NTA , NTA. You did try to step up and help them, they ignored your advice of TELLING THE TRUTH. At this point I'd tell your nephew what you know to protect your relationship with him., NTA\n\nAlways blamed the people who warned them ckck..., If you intercede for your sister and BIL the nephew will cut contact with you. The only thing you can do is maintain contact with the nephew as best you can., \>She called me heartless and a monster for not giving her help or trying to persuade my nephew to speak with her.\n\nNTA - you did offer her help in the beginning and your advice was turned away. The only reason your nephew hasn't cut you off is because you sympathize more with his feelings than your sister and BIL's. Your sister is facing the consequences of her actions and is now wanting help to fix the problem. They kept a massive secret from their children and the kids rightfully feel betrayed.\n\nHer children may never get over this. The more she pushes, the more her kids will pull away. She has to give them time to process. MAYBE one day there can be reconciliation, but it has to be on their son's terms., When parents keep such secrets, or wait until they’re “old enough”, the kids’ lives are a lie. \n\nYour sister acted like they had no right to know who their fathers were. \n\nIf they had raised them to know, in age appropriate language, there would have never been a sense of betrayal. \n\nI doubt your sister did the one thing her kids needed - apologize. She’s probably still acting righteous, instead of admitting she was wrong, their feelings are valid, and she’s sorry., Totally NTA.... they're just made that actions have consequences, NTA.\n\nYou are an uneducated idiot who knows nothing about this subject. There's no way you could help.\n\nYou are already doing your part by continuing family contact with your nephew.\n\nBTW have they told their younger son, or are we waiting for this to happen again in a year or so?, NTA, your sister and bil are morons. Don’t waste your bandwidth on that., Does the nephew know they used a sperm donor or does he think his mom had an affair?, NTA, they bought it on themselves., NTA \n\nHowever, you brought needless blame onto yourself when you tried to teach them a lesson. Next time, you can avoid their blame if you keep quiet and let people decide for themselves, what’s the moral of the story., I think you are an "uneducated idiot and know nothing about this matter". So, why do they want you in this matter now? \n\nNTA, NTA, Nta. Ivf is a huge help to couple with fertility issues and parents are parents, biological or not. I agree that your sister & BIL need to work on repairing their relationship with their son. He is not receptive at this time, but, there might come a time you could explain that although you disagree with his parents decision, his parents are his parents and love him very much. Your nephew is acting very immature, NTA. In sorry for them but they were warned and now face the consequences, NTA OP should tell her parents, S and BIL that she is not a professional counsellor and that in the situation they are in they need one. Perhaps you can refer them to some service that can refer them to the appropriate counsellor. They, of course will ignore this good advice, but OP can at least know that she has done the best for them that she can., NTA, why would you allow to your BIL to call you names?, NTA. You warned them many times that t this would happen. Also, if you do try to get them speaking, your nephew will go no contact with you. Keep being his anchor and safe person., NTA. Focus on helping the children and let them decide their own future. You are correct to nurture what contact to family they have left., NTA, if your parents are so concerned they can try to get your nephew and sis together to talk. He has very valid reasons for the way he feels and you are right to not get involved., NTA, NTA They made their bed, now they have to lie in it., NTA. They ignored you for years and called you an idiot that, was rude and disrespectful but it turned out You were right as said science was catching up and one of their sons found out it’s not up to you to fix the relationship and talk to your nephew on behalf of them all that will do is destroy your relationship will have any sort of relationship with him when the time comes if he wants to have a relationship with his mum or the man who raised him. He will reach out to them until then They are just going to have to respect his wishes in this matter. I’m just glad for your sake he is still willing to keep you in his life. but your family needs to stop pressuring you into contacting him on behalf of them . Tell them that that if you pressure him, he’ll cut off contact with you and then no one will have any relationship with him and know what’s going on, NTA\n\n \n**Make a new rule: YOu won't allow her or anyone else to discuss this issue with you**. And you will end any call and any discussion within 10 seconds when she starts her rants.\n\n\n\n"and that I needed to step up and help my sister and her son to speak to each other." .,, that's wishful thinking, you will not be able to do that. \n\n\nYOU are right, SHE is the AH - and she needs to bear that drama without involving you., Oh look, now their sister AND their son doesn't want anything to do with them. But I bet they'll continue to blame everyone but themselves. And the rest of your family (except for the other unfortunate kid) will continue to pander to them.\n\nNTA protect your nephews., NTA You did try to help them but they rudely in a way said no, this is their own fault so why should you fix it?, NTA\n\nJudging from your parents reaction s, it's no wonder your sister grew up to be such a self centered, know it all asshole., Tell your parents you were a good sister,that you warned her this could happen and she told you shut up, tell them that she doesn't get to come back and drag you into the mess she created, then tell them that you are now going to be a good aunt and support your nephew who found out that his childhood and what he thought he knew was a lie, NTA.\n\nRealistically, I'm not sure there's anything useful that you CAN do other than try to stay in touch with your nephew. If you try to force the issue like your family wants, your nephew will very probably cut contact with you, too. It sounds like he's an independent adult and thus no longer feels duty-bound to obey older relatives.\n\nRight now, he's understandably furious about having been lied to for YEARS. The best things you can do are 1) offer a sympathetic ear if he wants to talk about it and 2) give him a chance to calm down. Once he's done the latter, then you MAY suggest talking things over with his mother and her husband. You should only so however if you're very certain it won't make him angry all over again., NTA- you’re prioritizing being a good aunt to someone who lacks a support system over being a good sister to someone who doesn't respect you. It’s great that you're a safe space/person for your nephew., NTA, you were honest, IT IS their fault that they thought they knew better. And it's up to them to figure out how to fix it (if it can be), don't betray him by interfering like your sister wants., What is it that they think you can do? Even if you tell your nephew to speak to his parents, he won't. He returned their Christmas gifts. He probably hates them at this point and it's probably not just over this situation. NTA. \n\n>My mother and father got involved and told me that a **good** sister wouldn't want this type of family tension to continue and that I needed to step up and help my sister and her son to speak to each other.\n\nI would laugh. You tried to be a good sister. Now, I would just cut her off. Where's the other son? He is probably going to end up with you. \n\n\nETA: Your long comment answers my questions here., NTA This isn’t your mess to tidy up., NTA, saying "I told you so" is a very valid response since it's true. You saw the writing on the wall, as would anyone with common sense. \n\nThat being said, I'm hoping your nephew knows his DNA is a product of IVF, and not infidelity on his mother's part. \n\nSomeone should make sure that part is clear., NTA but definitely main character syndrome. This actually isn’t about you, believe it or not. They made decisions they may come to regret. Be aware he will likely reconcile with them, and that might fully put you out with everyone., Their relationship or lack of is not your responsibility., NTA. How exactly are you supposed to fix the fact that they withheld information from their son in the hopes that he would somehow never learn the truth? They created this situation and can either live with it or fix it themselves, though it may be too late to fix anything., NTA, They told you long ago to butt out because they already know everything. You tried to hang up after 30 minutes?? Push the off button. Stop telling them anything. Tell mommy and dada sure. I'll do it, then don't. How will they know? Yeh. I tried., ...] | 218 | 5735 | 0.98 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j19xcb/aita_for_telling_my_sister_and_bil_its_their/ | 2025-03-01 16:12:57 | 2025-03-01 16:18:30 | 3 | 0 | 146 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 12 |
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| 10 | AITA for buying a treat for my oldest daughter but not her younger brother and sister? | My (39m) wife (40f) and I have three children (10f, 8m, 7f.)\n\nA few afternoons ago our oldest had a dentist's appointment, and I agreed to take her while my wife took care of the other two. \n\nOur oldest has always struggled at the dentist. Her mother and I have worked with her on this and we've found a dentist who is really good with kids who are afraid of going to the dentist. She did really well this time; easily the most smooth experience we'd ever had there.\n\nSince she did so well, I decided to reward her on the way home, so I went to a Culver's drive thru and bought her a shake. I got one for myself, as well.\n\nWhen we got home, my other two children began to complain that they didn't get ice cream, saying that it was "unfair." I told them that this was just how things worked out this day; that their sister had to go through something unpleasant, but that she'd done a good job, and that next time I had to take either of them out for something similar that they'd probably get a treat too. \n\nLater, however--when it was just the two of us--my wife told me that she thought it looked as if I was playing favorites, that of course the other two kids would object, and that I should have bought treats for everyone. But I don't agree; I think it's fine for our kids to realize that just because one kid gets something doesn't always mean they all have to. AITA? | Not the A-hole | [NTA. \nI agree. They need to learn one day that not every thing one person gets, they do too. Are you giving them presents on the others' birthdays too just so they don't throw a fit? I kinda hate that. They are old enough to learn the answer no. You can't always get what you want, and you can't always get what someone else gets. You probably should have stayed out and finished the shake since you got one for yourself too though and not just the kid. You didn't go through a hard situation. Lol. But I don't think that makes you an AH for treating a kid for doing well., I’m conflicted. I get getting the treat to celebrate. But why bring it home? It’s pretty evident that would cause an issue. You should have had it at the place and then come home., Why did you bring the shakes home? You’re asking for trouble., Did you both go home with your shakes and enjoyed them in front of your family or did you share the shakes while just the two of you were away from home and then your daughter told her siblings?, NTA. Children need to learn that "fair is not always equal." With that being said, it's expected for young children to get jealous of others getting treats, so I'd have finished the milkshakes in the car or at the restaurant to avoid the younger children at least having to see the treat if I weren't bringing anything home for them., NAH. I definitely get your logic but your kids are on the young side and don't necessarily see the world that way. Next time finish the shakes before you get home and dispose of the evidence so there is no dust-up., NTA. My youngest has to get a prescription shot every 2 weeks and spend an afternoon driving to and attending another medical appointment once a week. He gets a treat each time. It helps to associate otherwise unpleasant and inconvenient events with something good and makes up at least a little for losing out on video game time that his brothers get. If one of his brothers is out for something similar, we try to do the same for them.\n\nFairness, in families, isn't giving everyone the same thing. It's making sure everyone gets what's best for them. Sometimes this means that one child will get a treat and the others won't get one right then. They all need to understand that this is perfectly fair, and that you'd do the same for each child in a similar situation. It tends to always come around, and you really don't need your youngest kids to feel entitled to get something when your oldest was the one who persevered through something difficult. Given the ages, though, it's perhaps best not to bring it home next time--finish the shake while you're out and about., Simple. You don't bring the food to the house if you don't have enough for everyone else if you have multiple kids, especially younger ones. You should have finished your milkshake at the restaurant., NTA your wife is being weird on this one, your eldest earned that milkshake thru being brave. your wife is not setting your younger kids up for success by making them believe they deserve anything that anyone else has, even though they haven’t gone thru the process to earn it, Well. \nI would’ve finished the shake before going into the house. \nTelling her siblings that she got a treat is different than flaunting it to their face, in a child’s perspective. \nThere’s absolutely nothing wrong with her getting the treat, at all. Had you gone about it in a different way, it might not have been a big deal. \nI kinda see what your wife is saying. We always teach our kids to share candy, toys etc, but she can’t share her shake. \nNext time, make sure not to bring it home or bring some for all. Problem solved., Rookie move. You finish that shit in the car and get rid of the evidence before going inside! YTA., You had good intentions, but you ended up being an asshole. \n\nIt’s great to reward your daughter for going through something hard and doing well. But you messed up when you came home with the milkshakes for only the two of you. \n\nIf you had them at the restaurant, and not in front of the rest of your family, not asshole behavior. \n\n\nIf you had only gotten your daughter one and come home, that could’ve been explained as only she got a treat because she had to do something difficult. But you had one too. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, like your daughter did. So why couldn’t you get some for everyone else? \n\nGood idea, poor execution. YTA., Did you take the milkshakes home and drink them in front of everybody else? That’s not fair. You should’ve pulled the car over and had your milkshakes together. Quiet time with your eldest daughter sounds nice., I was on your side up until the part where you brought the treats home and consumed them in front of the younger kids. Your daughter deserves a treat and it’s fine to do some things one on one with your kids but you should have stayed at Culver’s and had your treat there. That would have been a great opportunity to have some one on one time with your oldest and avoided “rubbing it in” with the little. You are not an asshole but that’s not how I would have done it., Soft YTA. Yes your daughter deserved a reward for coping well with a difficult experience. But bringing it home to eat was asking for trouble. Young kids tend to live very much in the moment and 'ice cream the next time you go to the dentist' isn't going to be much comfort. \n\nAnd why did you get one? Because you wanted one. No other reason. That's when you ring your wife and ask if you should bring anything home for her and the kids. And if she says 'no' then you have your treat before you get home., I can understand that you bought the shake as a reward for your daughter, she went through something unpleasant… fair enough…. But then why do you get one if rest of the kids don’t? And then you decide to take those shakes home and enjoy them in front of rest of the family…. Ofcourse YTA!, [removed], YTA you flaunted treats in front of a 7&8 year old and acted like it was some big surprise they would be upset. on top of that you did nothing ‘brave’ you did not ‘earn’ this treat so why did u get one. lastly lets go with your turn of events you didn’t want to buy shakes for the other 2 kids but not even your wife? do u like your family? like easily could have gotten everyone treats and said “x did so good today we got everyone treats to celebrate” and had a big family moment or if u didn’t want to buy everyone had that private 1:1 enjoying shakes together. im not sure why you chose the one option that upsets the most people., Next time eat the food before you get home. , Soft YTA. You should have finished the shakes before you got home., NTA. The only way the eldest child can ever have anything of her own is if the parents take it upon themselves to tell their younger kids, "no, you cannot have everything the eldest does." \n\nThis needs to be done repeatedly, so everyone learns that eldest is allowed to have her own things sometimes. \n\nOtherwise, it's not uncommon to end up with a situation where the youngest kid needs to get presents at everyone else's birthday parties. It's cute when they're little, and it is natural for them to want to imitate older siblings, but they need to be taught boundaries., NTA. Your children are old enough to understand the reward/consequence process. Your daughter did something you deemed worthy of a reward so she was rewarded. If she had misbehaved and been on punishment, they would not have wanted to share in that. Yes, that makes sense because their argument is fair, so to be fair, you share in all things, good or bad, not what you choose.\nI have 4 kids, ages 10-25, and we taught them early fair is not argument that has much value because life outside of this house will not be fair. We treat our children equally and have no favs, you are not entitled to anything and will get what your behavior/work earns, good or bad. If we choose to treat you, fine, say thank you. #UnApologetik, You should have finished the shakes before you returned home, > I got one for myself, as well.\n\n\nThat's where you messed up, it wasn't a reward, *you* wanted a shake, your daughter got one, but you didn't think about the others.\n\n\nTo top it off you decided to broadcast that you had shakes.\n\n\nYTA\n\n\nHow do you not see how much of an issue that creates when you have 3 kids?, You’re not AH for buying your child a milkshake. But I do believe it’s rude to buy something desirable to eat/drink in front of your kids without getting them some too. \n\nIf you have a glass of wine, I’m not saying to give the kids some wine too. Bringing home ice cream? And not bringing some for everyone? Rude. \n\nHaving said that, when I’m with my kids, one on one, we’ll go grab a shake or pretzel or something… but we finish before we get home., YTA. Why did you bring the treats home to parade it in front of the younger two? You could have extended your drive a bit. Not to mention, why are you teaching your daughter she should expect a reward for doing something difficult but necessary?, YTA only for bringing it home and consuming in front of everyone. I’d be upset if my husband did that especially if he got one for himself too when he isn’t the one who went to the dentist either., YTA, partly for taking the shakes home, but mainly for telling your kids that their sister was rewarded for doing something unpleasant. Teaching them to be scared of the dentist isn't clever, and teaching all of them that they should be rewarded for doing basic necessities is setting up long term problems., Have you done this for your other children before or just your daughter. Also why do they have to find something uncomfortable to be rewarded, Soft AH on this one, for going home with the treat. Should have gone to a park or something until the treat was finished., NTA. I'm not a parent so take my thoughts with a grain a salt, but I think you made the right call. It's not a reward for doing well if everyone gets one, and kids need to learn that they don't get something just because someone else did. Like you said, when they have to go out and do something unpleasant, they might get a treat too. That's how treats work., YTA. You can do this, but you don’t bring it home with you. You didn’t think it would be a problem walking in the door with two shakes and none for anyone else? Your wife was probably pissed off too that you didn’t bring one for her., YTA. You don’t show up with treats and not share with the rest of the class. At their age it is very rude. \n\nThat being said, I am a fan of the whole picking the child up from school early to go to an appointment and afterwards let’s go eat or get a treat, but remember, don’t tell your brother and sister okay? It was always something fun we got to do with our mom just us two., Have you not learned to dispose of the evidence in a case like this? You eat it before you go home and throw the cups away. Then you say nothing., Where you messed up was bringing the shakes home, or proof of the shakes. You should've finished them somewhere else and disposed of the evidence. \n\nI have 3 kids, they don't all get "a treat" at the same time every time. You have to be smart about it., NTA\n\nYou're a good parent teaching your kids a valuable lesson - your daughter earned a treat, so she got one. Your other kids didn't, so they didn't get one. They need to learn that they don't get everything, and that doesn't make it unfair. It is reality. It falls under natural, logical consequences., I’m already seeing wife taking the young ones out to make up for dad spoiling the other cause face it to them that’s what they see it, I think your wife just didn't want to hear the younger ones complaining - it happens a lot in famalies with many children but there are going to be instances when not everyone gets a prize and that's OK, it's part of life.\n\nIn the workplace when someone does excellent work and gets to go up to the 57th floor and have drinks with the Boss, is everyone invited or is it just that one Guy who did great work, lol\n\nDo the Olympics hand out medals for all participants or just Gold, Silver & Bronze?\n\nYou get me, right? Yeah, I thought so!\n\nBTW No NTAH!, By your logic, your daughter earned the milkshake for doing a brave thing. That's fair. And your other children didn't "earn one" so you didn't pick one up for them. Also fair. But, you didn't "earn" one either, and you still got one. That's where your logic fails and what moves you into AH territory. If you can grab a treat for yourself while out, you can grab a treat for the other kids and your wife as well., NTA - That's how it was in my household. The kids that went stood the best chance of getting snacks. The kids at home didn't have to hang out bored out of their mind doing adult crap at the bank or church or office. Pick your battle.\nUsually we were told to hide the evidence before we got home though., NTA. But maybe for next time, understand the other ones are young and may not fully understand the concept yet. Go, inside instead of drive through, sit down and enjoy the shake together. Throw out the cups when done and go home with no evidence. Make your oldest feel even more special: you did so well we have a special daddy daughter treat that is our little secret!, Yta. She got to the dentist, not you. So you didn't deserve that milkshake either.\n\nYou could buy one for everyone. \n\nAnd the dentist is hard for her? I understand that and it's good she goes. But the other 2 would make a big deal out of going to the dentist. If you are scared you got an reward, I think you A). choose the wrong teaching moment/lesson, and also B). didn't apply the rules to yourself, making it null and void anyway.\n\nA). A small, non-specific treat like a milkshake is relatively easy and inexpensive to get for everyone - this is a great time to teach that joy and success can be shared and celebrated. Let the kid who beat their dentist fear choose the place, and order the shakes for the siblings, something like that, then take them home and let them give their siblings the treat. Then regale the family with the story of how brave they were while sipping shakes together.\n\nIt's important for us to learn that we don't all get the same things etc. But this isn't a birthday, or a very specific gift/reward (like if one is passionate about art and the other kid isn't both don't need to go to art camp), or difficult/expensive and it's not hard to share the joy - and that's also important to learn. \n\n\nB). You got yourself a milkshake but you didn't "do anything to earn it". This immediately makes your reasoning fall apart, especially in the eyes of your kids. What you're teaching them is that the rules don't apply to you, and therefore why should it apply to them? It's unfair and inconsistent. If you had only got your one kid a milkshake, but not yourself, you could have taught your lesson by example - "missing out" with grace and showing them how to manage their feelings in those moments. Instead you expected them to do what you weren't even willing to. Not teaching them anything other than if you have power (ie. Money in this case) you can do what you want regardless of how fair it is. \n\nAnd if anyone here gives the "Well, Life's not fair blah blah" argument, all I have to say is that life isn't fair, but parents should be trying to create a better, fairer world at home., As long as you actually follow up and treat the other kids when it’s their special time. You just have to make a point of doing it now. Find an excuse to treat them., You drank it in front of them so YTA., I understand what you were trying to do but you also need to realise that the outcome of your decision upset your younger children. Now your younger children will have to learn that life isn’t fair etc etc but it won’t create a harmonious household. \n\nI would now rectify it by giving each of the younger children a challenge that they can overcome and earn a reward. Then you have been even handed. \n\nWhilst I agree that positive reinforcement works, it actively discourages someone else who doesn’t fuss about going to the dentist. They get no recognition for it because they didn’t complain. \n\nGoing forward, I would tell the child was getting a reward that they get to choose a treat that all children partake in. So she picked milkshakes, they all get milkshakes etc. I would also make sure that each child is getting a fair shot at winning a reward. You want your other children to celebrate each other’s success and not be jealous of their success…which is what you did. \n\nYou are a complete AH for buying yourself an ice cream and no one else. I just reread this and realised that’s what you did. That you had to come here to ask the question…you need to do some serious self reflection about your selfishness, YTA By trying to solve one problem, you created another. You shouldn't have brought it home., Yta - it wouldn’t have hurt to get them all one. If you go by your logic then you shouldn’t have gotten one either as you didn’t go to the dentist just your child., Why would You think it’s a good idea to take the treat home do you like causing issues and then fighting between your kids, NTA fair does not mean equal. They understand things like not getting a gift on their sisters bday, this is similar. A 7 and 8 year old are old enough to understand it want favoritism, it was a reward. I would have eaten them at Culver’s just out of kindness. But you aren’t the ah for getting her something and not her siblings., I would have taken her to the store and let her pick out her favorite half gallon of icecream and brought it home for everyone. That way it’s a win win., Your oldest did well and you are NTA for rewarding her if you felt like it. But what would’ve happen if you bought treats for everybody saying « 10F did so well today, she overcame her fears and thanks to her we all got to have a shake ! » ? Maybe your oldest would have been even prouder and the others too ?, YTA\n\n \nStupid and shitty parenting on so many levels.\n\n \nSo ONE kid causes MORE drama, and gets rewarded. Dio the other kids get an icecream, too - or have you just toaught them they need to cuase more drama to get rewards, too?\n\n \nAnd: Icecream after the dentist - you did not think this through. YOu will not be able to keep this up when there finally is really something to fix - then it will certainly not be - depending on what you get done - for the next few hours., NTA for rewarding the daughter but YTA for bringing the shake home and drinking it in front of the other kids. To me it's rude, it's like having a guest in your house and sitting down to eat cake but telling the guest they can't have any., My first reaction was too bad for those other kids not getting a treat too. Then after reading the comments, came to the conclusion Dad should have shared the moment at Culver’s with the daughter. Not the AH but he didn’t think it through., You're only an AH because you didn't bring ME a milkshake from Culver's. LOL - I live in VT and go to Culver's on my very rare visits to Fla-la-land. \n\nNTA - But a valuable lesson learned: next time finish the treat before going home, or "bring enough for the whole class" and celebrate the accomplishment together., NTA, One of the best lessons I was taught as a kid is that the world isn’t fair., As a kid, it was the ultimate betrayal to not get something another sibling got, especially food. They'll be fine though. It's just a milkshake and you bought it for a specific reason. NTA, I agree that kids shouldn't always get a treat. but YTA for the unforced error. Really stupid thinking. Just drink them in the parking lot. Its one thing to logically understand that not everyone gets a treat, not everyone gets a present sometimes, etc etc. Its quite another thing to flaunt it in front of the other kids. Thats bullshit. \n\nALSO, it should be a known thing that you have a rough dentists appointment, you have to get a shot at the doctor, whatever, that kid gets a treat. \n\n \nI also gotta say... really? Not sure what sort of treatment she got but... do you think that a milk shake was the best choice for after the dentist? c'mon..., Food as a reward for being good is problematic. Don't use drive through next time, eat on premises and let her know it was just for her and not the other two, it'll be their turn for ice cream another day., YTA - you could have asked your daughter if you should buy shakes for everyone at home too or if she wanted to enjoy the shakes while at the restaurant or going to sit by a lake, etc. It’s considered manners not eat in front of children if you can’t/won’t share. I have to teach that to my 9 year old when she wants to take a snack outside while playing with the neighbors. If she doesn’t have enough to share then she stays inside to eat it. You honestly sound narcissistic., Oh balderdash. NTA. Nothing wrong with one on one experiences as long as one not favored over the others, NTA. Your younger kids were old enough to learn this lesson, although it was a disappointment to them. They had support for it., You are doing the right thing by treating the one who was having a hard time to a special treat! Their time will come too! Don’t sweat it!, NTA - \nPeople who think everyone should get everything all the time are just generating a group of entitled and thankless people. Not everyone should get a participation ribbon. No, you don't get credit for just showing up.\n\nYour daughter did something hard and you reinforced her effort with a reward (kinda ironic that it was a sweet thing after the dentist... hehe). Will she get a reward every time? Maybe not.\n\nWe are so quick to punish negative things with consequences and reward mediocrity that those little moments of joy are lost. \n\nAsk your other kids to pull their heads in - OR they have to get you a birthday gift on their birthday because well... you were there for it and shouldn't miss out., NTA. \n\nI had braces and after tightening day appointment I got ice cream to help minimize the pain. \n\nShe had an emotional day and got a milk shake because she managed despite her fear. Because that’s how positive reinforcement works. \n\nGiving a treat to the other kids minimizes her reward and makes it less effective. That said, you could have gone to the park to enjoy your shakes and avoided the drama., NTA. i’m the eldest of four siblings. three of our birthdays are in the same week in september (different years, obviously) and the other is 6 months later in february. every time me and my other two siblings’ bday week rolled around, my mom always got presents for all of us. but when it was my brother’s bday on february, only he got gifts. it created a lot of weird contention and competition growing up and my relationship with my brother was strained from it. your wife doesn’t understand getting treats for all kids when only one earned it IS playing favorites. you did the right thing., NTA, but only if you would have bought a shake for either of the others if they had just left the dentist. And NOT judging but couldn’t just buy her a candy bar?, NTA. You could always say, the next time you go to the dentist, I’ll treat you to a shake, too. Which basically you did. Kids need to learn that life isn’t always even/steven, that one sibling from time to time might get something the other doesn’t. Just keep telling them you love them equally, and to get over it., NTA. it wasn't playing favorites. it was as you explained. rewarding all the kids for the work, effort, or perseverance of one not only breed entitlement but also degrades the accomplishment of the individual. this is a bad route to take., i don't know. OP got one for himself too. Was it a reword for something as well? Will other kids get shake after the dentist even if they are not struggling? \n\nI had the same situation, when my eldest kid struggled with doctors and were getting reward each time, while they younger is not. At some point the younger desided to start causing troubles at doctors', because that was how you get reward! By overcoming struggles! And if you do not have struggles, you can't get reward for overcoming them, NTA! I have very fond memories of my solo 1v1 dates with my parents. Sometimes it was going for various appointments or running errands with them. Occasionally we’d stop and get a special treat before heading home. They’d do the same thing with my older brother when he did things 1v1 with a parent. That’s just how it goes. \nI also don’t see the need to try to hide anything from the other kids. One day they’ll be the ones to go get a treat for something they did or just because. Not everything has to be fair all the time because that’s not how life goes. Teach them young & they’ll be better for it, I agree with you. NTA., NTA, she was brave and you rewarded her, like has been said, your children must learn some times treats must be earned !, Definitely NTA. I hate that kind of shizznit where you do for one because of special circumstances, and are expected to do for the others when it has nothing to do with the others. The 2 that were left out need to learn that every thing isn't equal, and they need to get rid of that sense of entitlement bs., NTA Last year my youngest had to get an emergancy surgery, they were so brave and got loads of toys/gifts off people. Not once did my oldest complain. This year my oldest had to get exploitation surgery and got loads of gifts/money off of everyone. My youngest asked why and when I explained, were totally accepting of that answer because they know how brave they both were., NTA. Being fair doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing. I learned that when I was in Kindergarten. If you were always fair with your kids, everyone would get a bra as soon as the first child needed one. If one kid decided they wanted to dye their hair pink, everyone would get their hair dyed pink. \n\nMy sister split her head open by hitting the radiator when she was jumping on the bed & fell off. It was around. 8 pm and we were supposed to be asleep. The ER doctor told my parents they had to wake her up every 2 hours in see if she had a concussion. She had 8 stitches too. On the way home, my father stopped at a burger place and got very a strawberry milkshake. She had vomited her supper, so he thought she should have something. No one had to even tell me why she got that treat. I knew it was fair for her to have her favorite treat after what she went through. \n\nFair is when people get all their needs met and some of their wishes. Your daughter deserved a treat for soldiering through an unpleasant, but necessary, experience., I don’t think this makes you an asshole. But note for next time… I make sure the kid that came with me finishes their exclusive snack before we get home., Yta. Kids do not understand this concept and it was rude to bring the icecream home to eat infront of them. Next time, if you are with 1 child and get a treat, finish it before heading home., Yeah. Yta. You got one for yourself, so you know what you did., Soft YTA here.\n\nNot because you bought your daughter the milkshake and not the other kids. I have had a long standing rule in my household where my kids get treats after things like getting shots where they have to be brave.\n\nThe issue is the lack of caring about everyone else. If you are going to take your oldest out, why are you not eating it out? Bringing two milkshakes home when there's five people in the house is unfair. You didn't do anything to deserve the shake.\n\nI don't think fairness is the issue. The issue is you could have easily not created the mess by either not getting a milkshake yourself, or just having the milkshakes before coming home and you didn't think., I get what everyone is saying about only rewarding the kid who did something hard but it’s ice cream and dad had some himself. They should have finished their treats outside the home. The other two kids are just children and I’m sure mom would’ve appreciated a little something too. In my house if one person gets something, everyone does.\n\nAlso - what if only one child makes a fuss at the dentist ? The other two never get ice cream (o over exaggerating but you get my point). This type of system makes sense only for some things. Expecting kids to not be upset they didn’t get ice cream when their sibling and dad parade it in front of them is just dumb, Yes exactly!!! I’d be pissed if my husband brought home a shake and didn’t get me one too, much less kids!, YTA. Getting a reward is great, bringing two shakes home and not sharing is rude. Other than doing your duty, what did you do to deserve this treat? Rude., Not the AH. \n\nHowever, did you finish the shakes before arriving home or did you drink them in front of the others?! If you drank them in front of the others, that’s just a crappy move., If you’re not getting treats for everyone don’t bring it home., Getting the kid a treat for going to the dentist wasn’t bad. Bringing the treat home to eat in front of two other kids was cruel., HMMM… having a hard time voting \nMy kids are older (18,15,12). \nMany many times over the years I’ve been out and about with 1 kid and gotten a treat. Even now- my 18 year old goes grocery shopping with me and we always get fancy coffee to bring with us. \nMaybe I’m out with the youngest and want to grab a candy bar while I’m paying for gas so I get her one too. \nSometimes I chaperone a field trip and let that kid go home early after the trip if it’s close to the end of the day. \n\nThese are the perks of being out with one parent, I think. \n\nThat being said- when my kids were younger we didn’t bring the treats home. I felt no need to rub it in the other kids’ faces when they were too young to really emotionally grasp the situation. \n\nNowadays it’s not as big of a deal though. \n\n\nAnyway, I don’t think you needed to bring treats for everyone but it might have been better to finish the treat in the car before heading inside., YTA for bringing it home in front of the other children. You explained the reasoning on why you got for one, which makes sense, but what also would have made sense is either going inside with the shake, eating it in the parking lot, or anywhere before you arrived home with a treat for one and not three., Should have eaten it at the restaurant. Of course you’re the AH for getting ice cream only for yourself and 1 of 3 kids. Jerk move. It’d be the same thing if your 3 brothers came to visit you and you took one out for drinks while the others were chilling in the back yard. You owe your other kids ice cream., NTA\n\nBut the rule is...if you treat yourself and you're going to arrive home to a bunch of ppl - YOU FINISH IT IN THE CAR. B/c kids are kids. CHILDREN DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE that their sibling is being rewarded for something they didn't participate in. They just think you're playing favorites. \n\nFinish the treats before you get home. Jesus. Is this your first day with children??, YTA for bringing it home — not for the treat itself., We always finish our treat before we go home. My kids have mentioned sometimes they feel bad they're getting a treat and their siblings aren't but that they figure I do similar things with their siblings. I assure them that is the case and not to worry about it. But bringing it home where the other kids see it is just asking for a conflict and whining., I don’t think you’re an AH, but I can see why the kids were feeling left out that you both came home with a treat and had it in front of them., Me and my sister always get treats when the other one does, it's just how it's been., NTA. I think that’s good parenting. However, you set the precedent that dentist means ice cream, so if your other kids go to the dentist, be prepared to go to Culver’s afterwards!, Rewarding a visit to the dentists with a sugar laden treat???, YTA. You got a treat for her going to the dentist, so I’m not sure it’s sending the message to your other kids the way you think it is. A better way to address this would have been to let her choose the treat and bring it home for everyone. You can hype to the family, we got milkshakes because big sis did great! Let’s all congratulate her. Or second option is you go out together for 1:1 time and don’t bring that shit home. You’re rubbing ice cream treats in the kids faces for not a good reason., YTA. What did you do exactly to earn YOUR shake? Your older child and you could have enjoyed your shakes and then gone home. It’s one thing for only one to get a treat, it’s another to bring the treat home and consume it right in front of everyone else., To kids that age, it does look like favoritism. The oldest, in private, can rub it in or just make it worse. They are too young to understand your lesson., ...] | 1396 | 5203 | 0.96 | /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1j0x67k/aita_for_buying_a_treat_for_my_oldest_daughter/ | 2025-03-01 06:08:12 | NaT | 52 | 0 | 133 | 0 | 0 | 8 | 5 |
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